Animal Triggering EF: Guilt *Possible Triggers*

[ToreyP]

Hi, all.

I have only just learned what an emotional flashback is and it makes so much sense to me - I'm so happy to finally have a name for what I've always considered to be my "emotional fragility and hypersensitivity".

That being said, I now understand why our pet Lorikeet's screaming can transform me into a trembling, yelling mess of a man. 

My wife brought me home a rescued Rainbow Lorikeet as a companion animal for me some years ago.  All was well back then when I wasn't working.  But when I started working, things changed because I wasn't able to be home with him and therefore he began to look for ways to get attention. 

Unfortunately, shrill screaming is one of those ways.  It drives me insane.  I cannot count the number of times my wife and I have had arguments over this bird.  Bearing in mind that I did not have a diagnosis when my issues with his noise began.  She seemed to think I was just hypersensitive to the sounds he made, but now that I understand what is happening to me when he does this - I suppose I just want her to realise that it's not just me "hating" him or being unreasonable.  It boggles my brain that she and I can be in the same room with him and she's able to sit there reading happily while this bird is literally screaming so loud behind her that I have to shout at her to speak.  Nothing makes him stop unless you cover his cage up (and she won't let me do this as it's "cruel").  I love my wife and she loves me - she is so patient with me and supportive, though.  This is why I feel so torn.  She is a vet nurse and has basically unlimited patience with animals.

I love him, I really do - but it's now been 5+ years since I started work, and I feel like a prisoner in my own home whenever I am home alone with this bird.  No matter how much attention I give him, when I walk away he is screaming to the top of his lungs and then my trembling starts.  I start yelling back at him which only makes him worse - then I feel horrible and guilty because of how I react.  She doesn't want to get rid of the bird, but no solution I suggest will she accept (getting him a companion -> no, he wouldn't like another bird/or/would become too attached to another bird and distance himself from us; build an outdoor aviary -> no, he is an indoor bird and wouldn't survive the weather). 

It really is an impasse.  I am left feeling completely drained after a weekend alone with him and back to work feeling unrested and completely unprepared for the work week.

I have recently tried thinking of why his screaming, other than the fact that it's simply noise, triggers me and I think I may have found an answer.  If anyone is not familiar with what a Rainbow Lorikeet sounds like, they are raucous and grating - and his tone is similar to what may be a raspy female voice yelling (i.e., my mother).   

Has anyone else here experienced a similar situation and how did you resolve it?

[Kat]

Wow.  Sorry to hear about your situation.  I hope you and your wife can figure something out together. 

I understand what you're feeling.  We've got a mockingbird couple that shows up each spring to nest right outside my bedroom.  The male (I'm assuming) squawks at us and our cats if we get too close.  I was outside playing with my daughter.  I didn't know it at the time, but one of our cats was in the bushes right under the tree the mockingbirds were in.  They were going nuts squawking.  I wasn't paying too much attention to it.  I suddenly felt myself getting really angry and anxious.  I was having trouble following anything my daughter was saying.  It was like she was speaking another language.  And then the squawking finally made it to the forefront of my attention and I realized that was what was making angry and anxious.  Fortunately, I had the option to go in the house away from the noise, unlike you who are stuck with it.  I can't imagine what it would be like if that mockingbird were in my house raising that kind of racket.   So, I get it.

I'm sorry I haven't got any advice for you.  Have you been able to explain just how upsetting it is and the fact that your response is really out of your control? 

Best of luck.

[Three Roses]

My rescue dog emits a high-pitched whine that sounds like a bird. It sends me up the wall but my husband is unaffected; he doesn't understand my reaction and I don't understand his!

Here is a great explanation of what happens in the brain when we are triggered- http://www.gostrengths.com/what-is-an-amygdala-hijack/

We're working on training the dog not to whine. He needs to know how to soothe himself, for his own good too. Because he was abused and an adult when we got him, it's slow. But, he is making progress! Best of luck to you with this.

[ToreyP]

Wow.  Sorry to hear about your situation.  I hope you and your wife can figure something out together. 

I understand what you're feeling.  We've got a mockingbird couple that shows up each spring to nest right outside my bedroom.  The male (I'm assuming) squawks at us and our cats if we get too close.  I was outside playing with my daughter.  I didn't know it at the time, but one of our cats was in the bushes right under the tree the mockingbirds were in.  They were going nuts squawking.  I wasn't paying too much attention to it.  I suddenly felt myself getting really angry and anxious.  I was having trouble following anything my daughter was saying.  It was like she was speaking another language.  And then the squawking finally made it to the forefront of my attention and I realized that was what was making angry and anxious.  Fortunately, I had the option to go in the house away from the noise, unlike you who are stuck with it.  I can't imagine what it would be like if that mockingbird were in my house raising that kind of racket.   So, I get it.

I'm sorry I haven't got any advice for you.  Have you been able to explain just how upsetting it is and the fact that your response is really out of your control? 

Best of luck.

Thank you for sharing that experience.  I sometimes feel like I'm totally alone in this situation.  As unfortunate as it is, in a way it's good to know at least others understand what it's like.  I've explained before in the context of anxiety and she got upset and didn't really know what to do/say.  Maybe if I re-state my frustration within the context of a flashback she will have a different response.

My rescue dog emits a high-pitched whine that sounds like a bird. It sends me up the wall but my husband is unaffected; he doesn't understand my reaction and I don't understand his!

Here is a great explanation of what happens in the brain when we are triggered- http://www.gostrengths.com/what-is-an-amygdala-hijack/

We're working on training the dog not to whine. He needs to know how to soothe himself, for his own good too. Because he was abused and an adult when we got him, it's slow. But, he is making progress! Best of luck to you with this.

Thank you for the link!  It's interesting understanding the physiological processes behind what seems so much like something that's "just in my head".

[Dee]

I have thought about this and thought about this.  To me what you are describing would be unbearable.  I try everything I can to feel safe in my own home.

The only thought I have is are you in therapy?  If so can you enlist the help of your therapist?  Perhaps understanding what is really going on will make a difference for a compromise.

I feel for you.  I couldn't do it.

[Rosebud89]

I too am what I also call hypersensitive. Everything will be just fine and out of no where I am at a boiling point from irrational irritability. All voices and sounds at the moment seem to be so high pitch and mashed together like it's all being yelled into my ears from a megaphone. When you have these episodes is it exclusive to just noise affecting you or does every sense kick in?? For me once I reach that point then even every movement angers me and if anyone is in my bubble the anxiety flies thru the roof I literally lock myself away in a quiet place alone at that point and practice mindfulness and/or just enjoy the still silence until I calm back down. Otherwise I lash out at people and feel so guilty afterwards because they aren't doing anything wrong and I can't expect everyone to just freeze and put their lives on hold or feel my wrath..I have to remind myself it's not their fault I have this condition and just because I suffer from it doesn't mean they have to. IT HELPS ALOT THOUGH if you can get the people closest to you to read and learn a little about it at least so they 1 don't hold it against you or take it personal if you lash out a little and 2 they get a tiny perspective from our side and understand even if it's just a small amount more what we are going thru and why...I give you PROPS tho for sure because I'm not proud of it but I would of made that bird disappear by any means necessary by now.

[clarity]

Hey Torey

Yes the EF thing is such a relief! I was the same...for over 40 years blaming myself as just a wussy emotional blancmange.

Now...this parrot!! ... hats off to you for your patience, the frustration must be unbeleeevable ( Im noise triggered also, shouty narc mother, even gorgeous tweety little finches singing can send me doolally at times) ....

Have you contacted any bird experts/animal behaviouralists?? Maybe you could find some other folk via youtube who have similair birds. They may have overcome something similar.

There must be a way to train him out of this!!!