I was such a sad little girl

[Rainydaze]

I was looking for some old photos in the loft earlier and realized something I hadn't before now when looking at photos of me as a child: I looked so sad. It was actually heartbreaking to see how serious my 4 year old face looked in so many of the photos.

There are quite a few of me sitting on my N father's lap and he looks so uncomfortable and doesn't smile. My little brain probably came to the conclusion that it was because of me. There are quite a few photos of me with other kids at nursery where they are smiling and laughing and I'm withdrawn and sullen looking.

I've seen these photos so many times before but this is the first time since coming out of the fog. It explains so much as I think I was probably the lost child. I don't know how anyone could have seen a child looking so sad and not questioned why she was like that. Instead it feels like I was made to feel wrong for the way I was and I became ashamed of myself as a result.

Anyone relate to this? I can't believe how much I attacked myself over the years for being painfully shy and sad. I want to go back in time and get little me out of that situation! 

[Elphanigh]

blues_cruise, I wanted to offer my support and understanding here. I am sorry no one ever saw or did anything to help you as a kid. I showed a lot of signs too and no one did anything.

I have the opposite experience with pictures. I looked care free and happy, so looking at them it confuses me and is painful. I see how much of a face I put on as a child, and hurt for my inner child that worked so hard to hide everything. I wonder how I could have looked so happy and been going through everything that I was.

I am here with you as you work through it all 

[Max]

I certainly can relate to this. The very few pictures that were taken of me, I had no desire to see or have. Unaware, until circumstances years later made me quite aware of my Ichild. That is when I asked for copies of the very few pictures my M had and when I noticed how sad and detached/distanced she (I) appeared in the pics. That sad picture is how I was feeling at the time and realized that IS my Ichild. It is as if I had abandoned myself (like they did), having not realized she was there, and to recognize and heal from all that she went through. Having been ignored in my family of dysfunction and abuse, the validation and focusing on taking care of me has meant so much in healing those wounds. 

Looking at that face and knowing all she had endured, that to my family was 'normal' stuff.  I had tried to be 'strong' and move on since you can't change the past.  Unfortunately,  years later those injuries to my psyche  as a child made themselves known.  I had carried much belief from that time, each and every day since,  that there was something wrong with me.  The pictures helped me realize me as a child and all I had working against me from the beginning. Helped me see how strong I really was and that it was time for me to take care of me/her. It is painful but not as painful as continuing to ignore those pains instead of healing them. Becoming aware and recognizing them as you seem to be doing is a great beginning. There is lots of info online about healing inner child that I highly recommend. 

For me, it was difficult to 'see' what I missed out on as a child since you don't know what you never had.  A book that did help me with that is 'Will I ever be good enough' by Karyl McBride.   The more I understood the better I felt, because like you wrote below, I certainly do relate.       

"I can't believe how much I attacked myself over the years for being painfully shy and sad. I want to go back in time and get little me out of that situation!  "

[Rainydaze]

blues_cruise, I wanted to offer my support and understanding here. I am sorry no one ever saw or did anything to help you as a kid. I showed a lot of signs too and no one did anything.

I have the opposite experience with pictures. I looked care free and happy, so looking at them it confuses me and is painful. I see how much of a face I put on as a child, and hurt for my inner child that worked so hard to hide everything. I wonder how I could have looked so happy and been going through everything that I was.

I am here with you as you work through it all 

Thank you, Elphanigh. It's hard realizing just how much was on such a small pair of shoulders. I had people telling me left, right and centre that I was 'shy' and should speak more but I see now that being reserved was my defence mechanism. If I was as small and quiet as possible then there was less chance of being yelled at. One of my saddest memories is happily skipping in the kitchen, not hurting anyone or getting in their way, and being shouted at for it. Yet other children could do this and were encouraged to express themselves! My mother was such an enabler too and swept all her marital problems under the rug, pretending that we could be a happy family. I don't remember her ever speaking up for me when he was mean. I don't blame her because I believe she was going through a terrible time with my N father and was badly bullied by him, but all it taught me was that I should be a doormat.

It's so sad that you hid everything as a child. Too much far too young. We look back on these photos with hindsight whereas perhaps as children we lived more in the moment and expressed happiness when we could feel safe enough. There are some photos where I'm smiling and I think these are the ones where I'm hanging out with my mother and older brother and feel more protected.

I certainly can relate to this. The very few pictures that were taken of me, I had no desire to see or have. Unaware, until circumstances years later made me quite aware of my Ichild. That is when I asked for copies of the very few pictures my M had and when I noticed how sad and detached/distanced she (I) appeared in the pics. That sad picture is how I was feeling at the time and realized that IS my Ichild. It is as if I had abandoned myself (like they did), having not realized she was there, and to recognize and heal from all that she went through. Having been ignored in my family of dysfunction and abuse, the validation and focusing on taking care of me has meant so much in healing those wounds. 

Looking at that face and knowing all she had endured, that to my family was 'normal' stuff.  I had tried to be 'strong' and move on since you can't change the past.  Unfortunately,  years later those injuries to my psyche  as a child made themselves known.  I had carried much belief from that time, each and every day since,  that there was something wrong with me.  The pictures helped me realize me as a child and all I had working against me from the beginning. Helped me see how strong I really was and that it was time for me to take care of me/her. It is painful but not as painful as continuing to ignore those pains instead of healing them. Becoming aware and recognizing them as you seem to be doing is a great beginning. There is lots of info online about healing inner child that I highly recommend. 

For me, it was difficult to 'see' what I missed out on as a child since you don't know what you never had.  A book that did help me with that is 'Will I ever be good enough' by Karyl McBride.   The more I understood the better I felt, because like you wrote below, I certainly do relate.       

"I can't believe how much I attacked myself over the years for being painfully shy and sad. I want to go back in time and get little me out of that situation!  "

The reason I was looking for old photos was because a very old friend that I went to nursery with posted one on Facebook and I told her that I had some too. My first reaction when I saw how detached and serious I looked in the photos was shame, which I feel guilty about because I don't want to be ashamed of my inner child.  All the other little kids in these photos look so boisterous, happy and carefree and I'm the odd one out. It was quite a good opportunity to practise some compassion towards myself and gain further understanding of how things really were.

I came to the realization too that I was looking at my inner child in these photos. I've also carried the belief all my life that there is something wrong with me. Years ago when I was contemplating why this is I drew a bit of a blank because I'd always assumed that my mother's love had been enough to get me through the brutality of living with an N father. I even started wondering whether I've always had a form of autism and that's why I didn't handle social situations confidently. After many years of reading up about living with a narcissistic parent and finding Pete Walker's book  O:-) I am realizing that there never was anything 'wrong' with me, only my situation. Unfortunately the belief that I am 'bad' is now ingrained in my core and is so difficult to change, even though I know logically that it is isn't true and I don't need to adapt my behaviour anymore to feel safe.

I'll seek out more info on healing the inner child as you've recommended. I think I ignore her far too much while I pretend to 'adult'. I'm going to try that book too. Thanks, Max.