Childhood abuse *TW*

[LauraC]

Hi. On and off, I've been looking for a support site for people who have had similar experiences to mine. An article about C-PTSD came up in my feed on Facebook, and I was fascinated and surprised to learn that there isn't only PTSD but also C-PTSD. The causes and symptoms seemed to fit me at various times. At the bottom of this article, this was the first link suggested for support. Before finding it, I'd had no luck finding any type of support group that fit. I found there was a lot of support for victims/survivors of sexual abuse (which I have experienced) but not physical, emotional and the abandonment issues I dealt with as a child. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for from this site, maybe just a response or someone to reply that they too have gone through something similar and suffer some of the same physical/emotional results in adulthood.
In a nutshell, my parents divorced when I was 5. I was left every day with a childcare provider who severely abused me (made me hang by my hands from a closet pole for long periods of time, made me stand up all night when my father had to leave me overnight (by this time, my mother had abandoned me and came back a few years later), whipped me, taped thumbtacks on my heels and made me walk all night on my toes until I couldn't and stepped down on the tack, hit me, made me urinate my pants in front of other kids to humiliate myself. I was scared of her. She threatened me. She told me to kill myself by going to the local lake and drowning myself. I almost did until the police came. I didn't tell my father because I was scared of her. Eventually, my father caught on that something wasn't right, especially when my family doctor told him that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. So, when I was seven, I was free of her. But then there was the next thing. My father was a neglectful alcoholic. There was never any cooked meals. I ate a lot of pizza. The fridge was always empty. All the stuff that goes with neglect and alcohol. He would get drunk, beat me, and then have no memory of it. A few years later my mother returned, announcing she was marrying a doctor and asking me to live with her. I did. At first I felt like the luckiest girl - a nice bed, nice clean clothes. It was wonderful. I made friends with the girl next door. It was when I was about 9 that I began to be sexually abused by her 16-year-old brother. I don't remember how long that lasted, but again he threatened me and I was scared. Eventually they moved, and that was the end of the big events of abuse in my life. They have had a lasting effect on my life, and I fit a lot of the symptoms listed in the C-PTSD. I've never found anyone who's had similar experiences. Now I'm in my 40's. I have a loving husband and a young child. I think i'm doing an okay job as a mother, and my husband is an incredible dad. But I do not feel normal. I do not feel self-actualized. I've had addictions, and once in awhile I fall back to the old habit of substance abuse. I'm not comfortable with my own life, even though it's turned out to be fine. I think about the abuse and the effect it's had on me up to now a lot. I sometimes wonder what I would have turned out like if none of those things had ever happened to me. I'm often jumpy, reactive, don't cope well with some things. Fortunately, my husband is very understanding. I do yoga, i've seen a psychologist in the past, but I still revert back to self harm through cigarettes and alcohol, compare my life to my friends and wish I were them or think they're better. Life has gotten better over the years, but I definitely don't feel life I've self-actualized, grown up, or whatever. Is there anyone out there who's experienced something similar? Am I in the right place? If not, feel free to suggest another site. Thank you.

[songbirdrosa]

 

You're definitely in the right place. It sounds like you've been put through * and back. You'll find that most people on this site have similar stories of abuse and neglect, myself included. The community here is incredibly supportive, and so many are ready to listen, to help, and to share experiences with. I truly hope you find what you need here 

[LauraC]

Thank you.

[sanmagic7]

hey, laurac,  so glad you're here.  yep, you're in the right place.

feel free to continue to find yourself.  the people here have been life-changers for me.  i couldn't have come this far without them.  they are consistently kind, caring, helpful, and supportive - nothing i had very much experience with before.  it's made all the difference for me.   i hope it helps you as well.

[LauraC]

The number of views versus the number of replies is really discomforting. I just took the time to reply to one person who was reaching out, and I'll try to reach out to more people. But seeing 100 views and 5 replies is just a bit disconcerting. One of the objectives here is to support one another, no? Not just peruse people's stories?

[sanmagic7]

i hear what you're saying, and i can only surmise that sometimes people need to look around before they feel steady enough to respond to something.  there is so much fear that comes with this c-ptsd  beast, so much unsureness of self, so much distrust in others and self that it can make it terribly difficult to put oneself out there, even anonymously in cyber space.

those of us who are able, support others wholeheartedly via written word.  others may also be supporting you just as wholeheartedly, but aren't able to let you know personally.   i hope this doesn't stop you from posting, laurac.  we do what we are able, all of us.  big hug to you.

[Three Roses]

This is a beast for sure, as sanmagic has said. It lives in our chests and manifests differently for each of us; some like responses, some just want to be heard, others want to be told what to do. People can only respond if they take the time to register, and a lot of people want to remain hidden in the shadows. Being visible is just too threatening. And that's okay, we honor each person's ability to interact and meet them where they are.

I find that when I want responses, asking for input is the way to get them, or asking a question. Or just plainly stating, "I need some support."

Welcome aboard, I hope to hear more from you. I apologize for not greeting you sooner, I've been fighting headaches which make it hard to formulate coherent sentences.  Thank you for joining us!

[Kat]

Hey there!  I'm still learning my way around the forum.  I don't catch each new post necessarily.  I hope you'll stick around.  Like the others have said, you're in the right place.  A lot of us are in therapy.  You didn't mention whether you're in therapy or even open to it.  I know many people feel like they're not ready to open up like that to someone else, so...

We're here though and glad you are too!

[Andyman73]

LauraC,
While my actual experiences differ, the types of experiences don't...execept mine have continued into adulthood and my DV abusive marriage to my CN wife.
While I won't share my experiences just now, I do want to touch on that one glaring statistic. One hundred views with only 5 replies.  Because of my own abandonment/separation issues, that one really effects me. I know the problem is all mine. People aren't avoiding me, well, at least I hope most aren't. On another site I have gone back and deleted posts that got no response or views after a few days. It's bad enough my abuse has made me invisible IRL, but it really hurts when I'm online in a community for survivors like me, or Veterans like me, or here. Now I know I'm very new here, and in that, haven't been orgnored or passed over yet.

Now here's something specific for you to ponder for a moment. Many of the viewers are genuinely interested, but once they visit, some can't relate, some are triggered, and some just aren't in a place to respond even though they do relate.  You and I have some similarities, CSA and CPA. However I have adult SA and PA as well. And I've been in a DV relationship for over 20 years, married over 18 years.

I do try to respond to those who engage me, especially because beyond t, I have no other support IRL.

[Three Roses]

yes, i try to stay away from looking at the number of responses i get. this triggers my abandonment issues a LOT! Another thing i try to do is to tell myself the views also include the number of guests who've viewed something, but if they're not registered they can't respond.

[AphoticAtramentous]

There is a lot of reasons why the stats can be like that: 100 views, 5 replies. It's really not uncommon.

First take into account that this is a forum, it is a much slower way of communicating than other social media. The entire 'atmosphere' is slow, but the benefit of that is that it gives users time to think before they reply if they choose they would like to reply.

Secondly, this is a forum for those with C-PTSD. Forums that focus on a mental disorder are often less active than forums that let's say are based around gaming or a TV series.

Thirdly, again, it's a forum for those with C-PTSD which means we have our limitations unfortunately. These can come in the form of:
- Symptoms getting in the way of our ability to think and respond. Headaches, tiredness, etc, etc.
- The thread may be a big trigger for us. (This has happened to me a few times and I ultimately just stay away from responding to posts with said triggers)
- Sometimes we just need some time to think about our response. (I do this a bit too)
- We're simply not motivated to respond. Depression does that for you.
- We're too busy to respond, or we're on the go. It's easy to read whilst walking, much harder to type whilst walking.
- We forget to respond. We make a mental note to reply to a thread but our heads are such cluster%^&#@s we forget things. (Sorry, I'm guilty lol.)

Fourth, the 'view' counter can be deceiving in general. It counts EVERYONE, guests, members, bots. It also counts re-views.

And lastly; as with all forums, sometimes what you post is simply something that others may not relate to, or readers feel as though they have nothing useful to share. That doesn't mean though that they do not care about you, or that they do not believe you need help.

I try my best to occasionally reply with at least an "I hear you" in there. But a lot of the times I simply can't because of reasons above. I hope that little list helps some of you that may feel a little unseen, uncared for, or are just generally feeling a little 'abandoned'.

@LauraC: I'm sorry to hear what you've gone through. It's good that you feel you are slowly getting better though. I hope that keeps up!

[Andyman73]

I try to leave an emoji 🌷🌸🌺🌹💐🌼🌻🌺🌸🍄 trail of some kind, or even just an🤗 To show I was there, and I care.

[Eyessoblue]

Hi, yes most definitely, a lot of what you say is very similar to me and I can relate! At the moment cigarettes and alcohol are my coping mechanism, my therapist knows I do 'this  and way too much but also she appreciates I need some coping tools and these are the unfortunate ones I have chosen, she's agreed it will be something I will need to deal with but would rather that I was still alive and going to see he for therapy. She said It is something we will work on together eventually but doesn't believe the timing at the moment is right to do that.
As for responding due to my concentration and forgetfulness I find long poss difficult to respond to and tend to skim through and pick out the bits that jump out at me, you will get a lot of help here, also time differences play a role here too as there are people from all over the world on this site. If there is something you desperately need help with then maybe add that to your title when you write then I'm sure you will get a lot more response.

[Blueberry]

There is a lot of reasons why the stats can be like that: 100 views, 5 replies. It's really not uncommon.
...

Hey, Aphotic, great explanation above! I decided not to copy it all.     

LauraC,  most of what Aphotic writes applies to me too. I have the additional problem that speaking my mind in whatever form, so even as an emoji, can feel threatening to me. As if I'm going out too far on a limb and am making myself very vulnerable. In that case it is definitely better for me not to reply. Otherwise I tend to self-harm. I try to prevent self-harm when I notice it and can.
Sometimes I also read around to put off writing one of my own posts. If I read around for a while, I then do eventually turn to my own posts. It doesn't mean I don't care about other people here though.

It certainly sounds to me as if you belong here - you've really been through a lot. I hope you feel comfortable here and begin to find support.

I'm in my 40's and am only just on the way to self-actualisation. I still say I'm not 'normal' quite often. My therapist and GP pick me up on that - I'm working on dispelling that image from my soul/mind. A lot of what was done to me was emotional abuse and neglect, although some physical and sexual too. It's a mixed bag on here, but from what I read, for lots of us CPTSD is due to childhood rather than adult onset.

[Andyman73]

Just noting that I was here, again.