What Triggers Your EFs?

[Kizzie]

My biggest trigger are N's or people who might be N's who monopolize the conversation, just talk and talk without any regard for others. I recently went to a couple of luncheons for stroke survivors and there were two non-stroke guys who just held forth the whole lunch and not a word about strokes.  Talk about tone deaf.  I am NOT going back even though I want to support my H (had a stroke 2 yrs ago) because it sends my BP shooting up up.

Where we used to live in BC (left because of all the wildfires) there was a single guy on our street and if he caught you you were there forever listening to him.  I never quite learned how to stop him talking but I really wanted to without being angry or insulting. My H would just start up the lawn mower or turn and go about what he was doing if the guy wandered by when he was outside. H was army so thick skinned. 

I can be firm with my boundaries but it is so deeply imbedded in me that I don't interrupt or walk away or say anything because my M was an N and my F an angry alcoholic you didn't want to p off. It's also that I can't bring myself to hurt people. I felt that part of his problem was that he was lonely but at the same time I knew that shouldn't give him license to trap people into long one-sided conversations.     

Interested to hear if anyone has a way of dealing with these type of people. 

[Armee]

So many triggers.

I agree Bermuda. Dentistry is a class of it's own in terms of triggering. Now that I'm more aware, the suction thing they put in your mouth is the worst. One time she just dropped it in and it landed in the back of my throat no warning. It's such an awful experience all around.

Intimacy

Sitting close to someone especially if I feel a bit trapped in

Small rooms with closed doors

Being praised

Being asked to do something i dont feel qualified to do (these are all specific triggers from a specific circumstance, not just oh i don't like it)

Being asked a question about myself

Introducing myself

Speaking up in meetings

Feeling like I might appear to be misleading someone even if I know I am not

Cleaning

Anyone being upset or me not doing enough for someone (because they might suicide)

People looking at me

Someone saying something bad about another person

I guess I could keep going...

[NarcKiddo]

Dentistry is interesting for me. For as long as I remember I have not been scared of the dentist, at least not consciously. I had to have a lot of dental and orthodontic work as a child and none of it was pleasant. The dentists I saw were always kind but the orthodontist was an absolute  . He told me off in a very nasty way when I had not cleaned my teeth to his satisfaction before an adjustment visit. (Even now I clean my teeth extra fastidiously before a visit. That is only good manners, I accept, but I get very twitchy if I have cause to have something other than water to drink before the appointment and then can't clean my teeth. That gives me an EF.) He also always called me "Lady Jane". I do not have Jane anywhere in my name and I resented being addressed as the nine day Queen who was executed at a young age. Made me feel like he wanted to execute me. Maybe he did.

I never really thought about it much until recently but it did strike me as a little odd that I don't have an issue with dentistry. I have a HUGE personal space zone and hate being touched, especially round the face and head.

Recently I had to see the hygienist which is my most disliked type of appointment. But I realised when lying calmly in the chair that my inner child had simply taken over the whole thing. She knows the drill (pun not completely intended!) and knows you have to stay still and calm, and that some level of dissociation helps. So I guess dentistry does actually trigger an EF for me, too. But fortunately the EF concerned makes it easier, and not harder, for me to tolerate the procedure.

[Kizzie]

I most often dissociated when I had to have dentist work done.  Then I did some work with a T on staying present and there went that strategy.  What I did learn though was that I don't really need to be afraid of the dentist anymore, that it helps me.  It used to feel like I was being punished or something I don't know.  I told a dentist I had that I was afraid and he and his staff were so comforting and careful with me that that also helped young me to stay calm and see them as helping me.  I'm not afraid to go anymore. It was a bit of CBT, but it was more being open and then the care and comfort that did the trick finally - reaching into the fear and pain of a frightened little girl and helping to sooth her.

[Goosey]

I have a hard time putting to words what sets off my EFs. I'm not even really sure of the frequency I experience them. I can rarely connect the dots in the moment because I'm in too much of an emotional state to think clearly.

One thing I know for sure does is any sort of abuse of power, or someone making me or someone else feel powerless, either in real life or fictional. "Corrupt authority figure who torments the protagonist" is one of my least favourite tropes. If it's bad enough, I have to leave the room.

I also think I get EFs when I feel socially rejected, though I'm not sure why. Just that suddenly I'm little Goosey again who doesn't know how to talk to people and keeps embarrassing herself over and over. I think it may tie back to the autism, but I never considered my experiences as a child from that to be "traumatizing" in that way. But this question has made me think about it and realize that I'm not sure if I can tie those EFs back to anything besides that: those feelings of isolation, being "different" from everyone else and not knowing why, and constant negative feedback (or even perceived negative feedback.)

[Lakelynn]

Hearing, or reading the words "don't make me." Someone I believed cared for & about me insulted me with that preface.

I was completely devastated for 2 days. Discussed it in therapy & later attempted to voice my objections with him. That was a first & didn't get far, but gave myself credit anyway.

Kizzie, regarding people who endlessly talk without regard for the audience, maybe consider acknowledging them briefly, (that's what they want) then respond with a greeting and one minute of listening,followed by the leaving immediately."Sorry, I'm on my way to..."

I liked your comment that your H was Army, therefore thick-skinned. True!

[Kizzie]

Lakelynn, if I can get a word in edgewise I will do that lol. 

Good for you for trying to voice your objections, it takes courage, more for us as survivors, to do that kind of thing.   

[MarkTheRobot]

I recently learned that I have EFs. My entire life I've called them breakdowns. I thought I was destined for the looney bin.
I have them when I am feeling overwhelmed and too much is being asked of me. When I am feeling ignored and treated like a burden. A sudden loud single pop or single bark will do it. Feeling like I am disappointing and failing those around me are also 

[AphoticAtramentous]

I recently learned that I have EFs. My entire life I've called them breakdowns. I thought I was destined for the looney bin.

Ah, I thought the same thing before I knew what EFs were. Thought I had some other undiagnosed personality disorder but no, turns out they were just all flashbacks!

I unfortunately have so many triggers I don't think I could list them all. But the biggest ones are..
- Yelling/screaming, indirectly or directly
- Being trapped/confined, having an object/being on me for long periods of time
- Being ignored or not getting attention (which unfortunately seems to be the trigger that happens the most)

Back in 2017 I listed the police as being a trigger but I had to get over that real quick cause my current career involves working VERY closely with the police, heh.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Desert Flower]

It's also that I can't bring myself to hurt people.

I wanted to write about yesterday's EF and I found this thread and this quote by Kizzie describes exactly what started off my EF. I also read, I think it was in 'Healing the shame', that we should be careful around our parents because they can trigger us easily. For me, my m is the person that can trigger me the most.

Like I said in another thread, she has two sides. One looks normal and this part of her maybe wants me to be all right (if only so she can feel all right), the other part is not validating anything I feel and making me feel crazy, and the history of being emotionally neglectful and absent as a parent and not protecting me from the abuse like she should have.

So the trigger was this. For a while now, whenever I visit her, showing her nice side, she will have bought us 'special' sandwiches, because she knows my kids and I like them. But the thing is, she has been buying a little too many of them, so now they don't get eaten as much anymore. And then, yesterday, she texted me asking whether she should still buy them or not. And I texted maybe not. And I felt soooo bad about that! Because I just cannot hurt her. So that set off the EF, as I was walking in the city with my daughter, feeling paranoid.

And then my daughters (she's sweet) said something about me trying to lead her by holding her arm in a funny way apparently and that aggrevated the EF. I felt like I couldn't do anything right. And then afterwards, at home, I tried to order food and this didn't work out and that really set it off fully.

So it starts with a 'little thing', then another, then another and then I'm just completely losing it. And while it's happening, I now know it is, but I cannot seem to stop it most of the times.