First post in this section possible *TW*

[Elphanigh]

So until today I have just been reading this section. I haven't felt that I deserved to post in here... I hadn't accept the abuse as bad enough to warrant posting in this particular place, because most of my horrific abuse came from outside of my FOO.

However, today I am accepting the role that my family played in my abuse. Also to stop minimizing my abuse from my FOO just because it was small. That is not productive language for me, or my healing. So here is my story, best I can tell it at the moment.

My family put the weight of the world on my. I was responisbile for my mom's health. I was her care taker, and the one to call 911 if things got bad. Her health got better when I was a teen but not until then. No small child should have to be responsible for the well being of an adult.

My parents fought all of the time, sometimes physical and sometimes just a lot of screaming.  I as the peacemaker in my family. It was my job to make sure my siblings went to their rooms, and played. I used to make sure they turned on music and were playing with marbles or something so they couldn't here, and would  be out of the line of fire. I put myself in the line of fire by doing that, so I would hide where  I could watch them to know when things were safe. Or to make sure no one was getting hit, walls were getting holes in them etc.

Afterwards it was expected that I played the mediator. I cared for my mom's certain migraine and helped calm her by telling her all of the ways I loved her and ensuring her of the place she had in the family. That everything would be okay, and things would get done. With my dad I would let him vent if he needed and make sure that he did what my mom had asked of them.. and that he stayed instead of driving off to a hotel to get drunk.. which did happen.

Outside of the fighting I was hit or screamed at if I made any small mistake.. I was to get straight A's, clean the house, help with dinner (or make it all myself), not make too much noise, and keep my siblings happy. Also watch other peoples kids if needed.

I was told that my nightmares, and any signs of my anxiety or crying was uncalled for. I would get screamed at and locked in my room. Told to just get over it and be better. I was a burden to my parents in many ways, and I was aware of that. I was aware that my birth was an accident.. that my parents wouldn't have married without me.

My mom continued (still does sometimes) to use me for her own gain and her own happiness. If something didn't line up with her needs, or her expectations I was wrong and I was punished. I lived on edge in that household all the time.. I  was pitted against my siblings.. because I was  used as the example of what a child should be... but then where my siblings couldn't see I was punished and screamed at if I wasn't that perfect kid.

The only time I spoke up about my other abuse (I was 12) my mom left me in her dark room and didn't come back in for me.. didn't hug me.. nothing. I cried in a dark room and picked myself back up. It was never mentioned again.

There were also no healthy boundaries... they could come and go into my spaces whenever they wanted.. they were always in my stuff (journals, cds etc... whatever they wanted).. They were ones that would have tickle fights or like dog piles etc.. (my family looked healthy and perfect on the outside).. however in those no matter how serious my word no sounded they never listened.. as a kid going through horrific abuse outside of my family.. that broke me.. full panic attacks that I had to conceal.. or I dissociated entirely to survive

I failed to see my family as abusive or poisonous because of the good things they did give me.. and because they weren't as bad as everything else I went through.. I know better now and have to deal with it..

Sorry this was so long.. It has been a long month of contemplating these things.. that eventually have led to the decision that I can in fact post here.  I hope this is an okay place to put this.. I have spent a lot of time worrying that the abuse wasn't enough or truly bad.. that I don't belong on this particular board... because it wasn't like the rest of what I went through.. it was just the cherry on top

[sanmagic7]

elphanigh, i hear ya.  i so dismissed my foo as being the fount of my cptsd that my story first came out in the adult section.  little by little i've now accepted that, while i may not have gone thru the same horrors as others, my treatment caused me nail-biting anxiety by the time i was 15, thoughts of how wonderful it would be to be killed by a car walking home from school because i would become a headline in a news story by the time i was 16, and lost my emotional feelings by the time i was 17.

yeah, i guess it was bad enough.  here's to admitting and accepting what was really done to us all, no matter how big or how small.  cheers.  man alive, we are some strong, brave creatures, aren't we!  kudos to you, my dear elphanigh, for looking past the smoke and mirrors to your reality.   

[Elphanigh]

Thank you so much San  I am glad you got past the inital stage and saw your family at fault as well for your Cptsd. It was certainly enough, and I am sorry you went through it. As always I am so glad that you share with me, it makes me feel validated and less alone.

We truly are such strong and brave creatures. It is tremendous

[Dee]

I'm glad you posted here.  What you described sounds awful to me.  Please try not to compare.  What matters is how you felt, feel, and how it matters to you.  I certainly hate that you had that experience.  I also feel compassion for you.

I was in an abusive marriage and didn't know it was abusive.  I have thought, if he had hit me I would of understood.  Abuse can be so hard especially when you are trying to figure out what happened.  It can be so confusing.  What you described was trauma with a capital T.

You belong here and I am glad you got the courage to post here.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you so much for validating this as Trauma. It is truly helpful to have my feelings on this acknowledged. It took me so long to see this because sadly they were the better part of what I grew up with.. but it doesn't excuse it or make it okay. Not anymore, because I can see it as it was now. It just took me getting past some gaslighting and the illusions I wanted to see.