Suffering...

[Libby12]

I have been reading and posting on OOTF for a few months and found it really helpful.  I felt like I was really getting to grips with my situation regarding five years of ST from my FOO. I have been able to accept that I was the SG, especially for my mother,  who was beyond controlling.  I have no desire to be in contact with my parents or GC sister but I can't seem to move on from here.

I have suffered a lifetime of depression and anxiety - I am sure I was depressed when I started school at age four.   My mother desperately wanted a baby to make up for her unhappy childhood with her depressed mother.  She has always freely admitted that I was a disappointment,  unlike my sister who wasn't planned and arrived 15 months after me. Lovely family stories abound of how I was blamed for things that happened when I was only a baby or toddler.  I was accused as a two year old of letting my sister out of a gate and onto the road to be in danger from the one bus of the day. The family love all these little tales of how awful I was and would never consider I could be affected in any negative way, because they were such absolutely fabulous and perfect parents.  No matter the emotional and physical abuse from mother,  because I was fed and clothed and had a home. Actually food was used to control,  clothes and haircuts were for boys as that was what parents liked and I was left in no doubt that it was their house and their rules.

Every milestone in my life was ruined by manipulations from mother backed up by weak EF.  I was brought up to believe I would have no life away from them as I wasn't worthy.  I had disappointed mother by not loving her enough from my birth.   The last thing she said to me in person was that I thought that she was never good enough for me.  Sounds like projection to me. She spoilt my meeting of my husband,  marriage and births of my children. Mostly with her nasty,  snide put -downs and all round difficult and controlling behaviour.

When I said to EF that I was really depressed and blamed my rubbish relationship with mother the response was ST except for the odd hoover from EF complaining that he hasn't seen my daughter for years despite nm telling us that he was finished with her!! Sister immediately followed suit with the ST,  telling me I was wrong about childhood,  it was not the way I remembered it.

I have suffered the trauma of a difficult twin pregnancy resulting in premature birth.  One twin has learning difficulties and the other is on the autistic spectrum.  They are in their twenties and will probably always live with us. All of this was against a backdrop of mothers awful behaviour - seeming like a great grandparent but really causing loads of trouble especially between my h and I.

So here I am at 50+, I have a good husband,  lovely (but challenging)  children,  a nice house etc but I am still weighted down by depression, anxiety,  awful physical pain,  a vomiting phobia, no job,  no friends (ever, really).  Just such all encompassing pain which makes me not want to live.   I won't end my life but I don't see the point either.   

I think I have the symptoms of c-ptsd and feel that this may explain my inability to move on.

I would really like some feedback from regulars here.  Does my life history fit with c-ptsd development and do my circumstances now, reflect your experiences of this condition? 

I have reached out for help but never really got any.   The NHS isn't good at dealing with mental health and I seem to be deemed unworthy of help, even though I have never been demanding or difficult.   I think my mother's conditioning of me has fed into all areas of life - unworthy of happiness,  friends,  family,  housing,  good job,  anything.

Thank you for listening.

Libby12

[Lingurine]

Hi Libby12 and welcome  I'm so glad you found us, as a sistersite from OOTF. Here, we focus more on the effects of our abusive childhood, like CPTSD. So, you came to the right place. We tell our stories and try to heal and recover. For most people here it's a day to day struggle, we exchange experiences, books and methods that work to improve our quality of life.
So, you might wander around and read and post and see how you feel.

Again, welcome 

Lingurine

[Kizzie]

Hi Libby and a warm welcome to OOTS     It does sound like you are in the right place, unfortunately because it means you may have Complex PTSD, but fortunately in that we all deal with it here and we get it when someone talks about something anyone else would raise an eyebrow over.  Talking, reading, giving and receiving support and encouragement - it can all help to peel away the layers of trauma that build up and weigh so much. 

One place you might want to start is a lovely, warm and comforting thread called "The Healing Porch"  - http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=6910.0.  As you'll see, OOTS members are caring, supportive and focused on recovery.   

[sanmagic7]

hi libby, and welcome,

it certainly sounds like you belong here, unfortunately, as kizzie mentioned.  however, i know for myself, that being here has been a life-changer.  the support and caring is real and generous.

the healing porch is one of our newer additions, and it, too, has helped me immensely.  this community promotes healing from whatever has been ailing us.  it's a beautiful thing filled with beautiful people.

i'm glad you joined us.  looking forward to hearing more from you. 

[Libby12]

Thank you all for your welcomes. It's amazing how writing some of my story here and being accepted has helped me feel a bit better.  I have never felt that I truly belonged anywhere,  not in my foo, not in school,  not when I trained as a nurse, not in the workplace.   Even in my foc,  it often feels as if I am going through the motions, sort of pretending that I really belong.  So it's great to find somewhere to feel comfortable.   

I can relate to all of the c-ptsd symptoms,  and am starting to see that my sudden dips in mood are probably emotional flashbacks.   I put these changes down to my long standing depression,  but I think that it fits more with EFs.  It seems independent of the depression,  very sudden and as people here describe, feeling small and young and scared and helpless and wanting to cry but with no tears so choosing to isolate instead. There is anger as well,  which sometimes comes out and sometimes doesn't.   I feel disconnected from the world in general and often find myself asking my husband if my views and feelings on people and events are really "off". Life feels very confusing most of the time.

I am looking forwards to reading and sharing here and am feeling a bit more positive already.

Thanks again,  Libby.

[Candid]

I have never felt that I truly belonged anywhere,  not in my foo, not in school,  not when I trained as a nurse, not in the workplace.   Even in my foc,  it often feels as if I am going through the motions, sort of pretending that I really belong. 

I know all about Impostor Syndrome! So much of my life has been an acting job. Then isolation, when no one's looking, and thinking this sad emptiness is me, it's shameful, and it needs to be kept hidden

Isn't it great to know we belong here, at least?

[Minnow]

Hey, I have emetophobia (vomiting phobia) too!  I don't think it's part of my C-PTSD for me personally, but it doesn't make it any easier.  It's such a hard phobia to live with, and so few seem to truly understand it.

Your experiences, past and present, definitely resonate with my understanding of the overall experience of C-PTSD.  It all sounds unimaginably awful; you don't deserve any of what has happened to you, and that is honestly the "silver lining" of C-PTSD if you can call it that -- that these experiences are not a sign of "defectiveness", nor was it anything you caused, they are a sign of very real, justified trauma.  I also experience the self-doubt regarding my feelings and judgements on the world around me -- I definitely think that's a symptom.  When you are constantly undermined, told you are not worthy, etc., it's easy to begin to feel like you can't do anything right, and that includes your perception.

Please take care, and I hope joining OOTS helps.

[Libby12]

Thank you for your welcomes, candid and minnow. 

Candid - your description of Imposter syndrome is spot on.  Other than my foc,  I tend only to talk superficially to a few neighbours and fellow dog walkers. I walk away feeling like I have just put on an act and vow not to get into any more conversations that day.  It's as if I can only cope with a small amount of interaction at a time because it feels like such hard work to pretend to be "normal"!

Minnow - so interesting that you have the same phobia.   For me, I don't know where it originated,  but literature links emetophobia to feeling a lack of control which was the main feature of my relationship with my mother. I am more worried about other people vomiting than I am of vomiting myself (although that applies as well)  and I do link it with my parents reaction.   They weren't bothered by it so why should I be.  They would mock me and bring up past bad experiences over and again.  They made me eat when I did not feel well or disliked the food. I just knew that they would not hear my fears and protect me. I realised that I had not imagined all of this because they frequently took my children to eating places when they had been or were feeling sick, with no regard for my children or people around them. My daughter, aged around 12 at the time had had a stomach bug for a few days and my mother insisted she join the family (I was not present as LC at the time) for my father's birthday meal in a restaurant and made her eat a meal. DD was ill again but the whole sorry situation was repeated again the next evening and daughter was ill again.  All because nm didn't want her holiday spoilt by my daughter being ill. I felt that she had abused my daughter and further abused me through the abuse of my child.  I feel so bad that allowed my parents to maintain a relationship with my children.  Fortunately I don't think they suffered long term and don't miss their grandparents at all.

Sorry I got a bit carried away.  This whole topic seems to be a big trigger for me, so thank you for listening.

Libby

[sanmagic7]

i found it interesting that you mentioned being traumatized by the traumatization of your children.  i can definitely relate to that.  when my narc daughter abused my other daughter, i felt re-traumatized thru that mother/child dynamic.

even tho i was already nc with my narc daughter, it grabbed me from another angle.  i just went thru something similar with my bro and narc sister (also nc with her).  this re-traumatization thru the events of others is something that kind of comes out of the blue.  i was thinking i was in the clear, and thru the actions of someone else, it brings it all back.

not a good feeling at all.  i'm just glad your kids seem to show no lasting effects, and that you recognized the abuse so you could get them out of the situation.  well done.

[Libby12]

Hi sanmagic.

Thanks for validating how I felt about the situation with my mother and DD.  I thought I was just reading too much into the situation and sort of making it all about me.  I was thinking that surely my mother isn't that clever and devious. But that led me to realise that she repeated a lot of the exact same controlling and shaming behaviours on my DD as she did on me, like criticising her clothes,  making her feel guilty for her choices, so it's not a question of cleverness - it's just who she is.

Thank you again.

Libby.

[Minnow]

Minnow - so interesting that you have the same phobia.   For me, I don't know where it originated,  but literature links emetophobia to feeling a lack of control which was the main feature of my relationship with my mother. I am more worried about other people vomiting than I am of vomiting myself (although that applies as well)  and I do link it with my parents reaction.   They weren't bothered by it so why should I be.  They would mock me and bring up past bad experiences over and again.  They made me eat when I did not feel well or disliked the food. I just knew that they would not hear my fears and protect me. I realised that I had not imagined all of this because they frequently took my children to eating places when they had been or were feeling sick, with no regard for my children or people around them. My daughter, aged around 12 at the time had had a stomach bug for a few days and my mother insisted she join the family (I was not present as LC at the time) for my father's birthday meal in a restaurant and made her eat a meal. DD was ill again but the whole sorry situation was repeated again the next evening and daughter was ill again.  All because nm didn't want her holiday spoilt by my daughter being ill. I felt that she had abused my daughter and further abused me through the abuse of my child.  I feel so bad that allowed my parents to maintain a relationship with my children.  Fortunately I don't think they suffered long term and don't miss their grandparents at all.

Sorry I got a bit carried away.  This whole topic seems to be a big trigger for me, so thank you for listening.

Libby

No worries at all!  It's almost relieving, in a strange way, to come across someone else with the phobia, so it's natural to want to talk a lot about it.  And given your experiences on the subject, it's important to process what happened, and one way to do that is to talk about it.

I can definitely see how the "culture" around vomiting that was present in your family would lead to anxiety surrounding it, and thus, fear of the vomiting itself.  Mocking, joking and teasing are often used as subtle forms of verbal abuse in families like ours, and for them to force you into situations that would trigger your phobia and subsequently make fun of you for it (or doing it by proxy via your daughter) is just cruel.  I am sorry you had to go through that.

My emetophobia developed from a nasty stomach bug I had when I was only about two or three.  I don't remember much of anything of it, as I was so young, but apparently I was in a really bad way; I couldn't even keep water down.  My parents told me they took me to the doctors to see if they could do anything about my dehydration; they did nothing.  In retrospect, they probably should have taken me directly to the hospital for one of those injections I now know they can give for extreme fluid loss.  The resulting phobia then wasn't helped by my family getting angry at me whenever I experienced an anxiety attack.  It made me feel invalidated and unloved for something I couldn't really help and also had no bearing on who I was as a person.