maybe I'm not just Broken?! (tw)

[spillyerlungs]

I haven't been diagnosed with CPTSD, and only recently started looking into what it actually is, but wow all these things are so relatable and it is honestly so comforting and giving me a bit of hope knowing that this could be what I am dealing with and that I might not just be terribly wrong and messed up for being unable to deal with people being mildly displeased with me and "overreacting" to small things, going into depressed/anxious episodes for reasons I can't even identify.

I'm 20 and have been in therapy on and off since before I was a teenager, since I was diagnosed with autism as a preteen and have struggled with social and generalized anxiety and depression, however I never brought up the memories I have of being molested by my father, since I didn't Actually think about it or feel upset about it.  I think there may have been other times but I can't remember, there are large parts of my childhood that I don't remember.  I have some memories of him yelling at me as well, but was told by my sister that it happened a lot after my parents divorced as well - I don't remember this.  He was on and off of various drugs throughout my childhood, and would vary from isolating himself from the family and being very involved for short periods of time.  When I was 13, there was some sort of DEA investigation, the details of which I am unsure of, and out of confusion/anger I stopped seeing him (however, my younger sister continued to visit him) until he died when I was 16.
I love my mother, but she has always tended to guilt trip us a lot, always yelled a lot, and has done weird things like, after my father killed himself, would threaten suicide when angry at my sister and I.
I became fairly dependent on a friend with benefits at 18, who was emotionally abusive and raped me.  I worked with him for a few months after I tried to cut off contact, and he would frequently approach me at work yelling at me about things he had left at my house.

I've never been great at interacting with people due to my autism and social anxiety.  I have selective mutism, and most of the time in school I could not speak.  I started self harming at 17, and mostly quit when I was 19.  However I have relapsed a few times lately, for what seems like no reason - I've even been on my depression and anxiety meds.  I will be spending time with friends, and suddenly feel Wrong and need to retreat to my room, sometimes texting one of my roommates asking not to be left alone, but I feel I will be seen as attention seeking.  I believe I have emotional flashbacks, and when in these states apologize excessively - something I used to do when my father would yell at me - and it is a problem, as it makes my friends feel they have made me feel that I need to apologize.  I don't want them to feel bad, and a lot of the time have to make a conscious effort not to apologize. 
I have not been in therapy for a few months, but I have an appointment with a new therapist tomorrow, and this time I intend to address what I believe is the actual issue.  I am afraid I will be told what I have experienced isn't Real trauma and my feelings/behaviors are just me not trying hard enough to feel better (something my abuser would tell me - I'm not trying to be happy).  I'm not sure why I'm posting here lol, looking for solidarity and validation?  As much as I am nervous, I am genuinely hopeful, I really want to find some real & relevant solutions.

[sanmagic7]

hey, spillyerlungs,

welcome.  you're in the right place.  you are not making things up, not being overly sensitive, nor are you just not trying hard enough to be happy.  we've all been told variations on those same things.

i'm so glad you made it here, and i hope you have a kind, caring therapist who will help you through all this.  i'm sorry for what you experienced, but know that you're not alone anymore.  we're here with you.  lots of good people here who listen, validate, and care.  this is a great place for support along with therapy.  welcome aboard. 

[Three Roses]

Welcome, glad you're here! 

[LauraC]

You're not broken. You are perfectly justified in feeling the way you do. I'm really sorry you have gone through what you have. See a therapist, but also if you do not like how the therapy is going or dissatisfied with the therapist, you are perfectly entitled to seek out another one. You are normal, you are worthy, and if you feel like to need to be alone, that is your right. Try to cut yourself some slack.

[Kat]

How'd it go with the new therapist?  I'm hoping things went well.  Any good therapist would assure you that you've clearly experienced a good deal of trauma.  Hang in there.