EMDR finding the in between time difficult

[Eyessoblue]

Hi so as a lot of you know I am going through the EMDR process at the moment, I've had quite a few sessions now and can say I am getting good results. Today was particularly hard on what I was processing and I spent most of the session crying, the psychotherapist was great though and stopped the process regularly for me to regain control and start again. I find the process brings up a lot of emotions I didn't even know I had such as rage and anger something I never am, it's also ruined my relationship with my mum who I now cannot talk too anymore due to things that have come up. I've had a good few hours sleep today after EMDR but feel really low and depressed. She has told me today that once EMDR has finished she wants me to keep on seeing her for psychotherapy as she feels I have a lot of issues that need sorting out from things that have come up which for me is good as I do think I need that and glad I'm not going to be struck off the list once EMDR has finished. Just struggling from the time I finish EMDR til when I see her again next week it's a long time where I still feel I need some kind of support with my feelings and emotions, I do journal which helps but really feel that's not enough at the moment. Does anyone else here do EMDR and how do they cope?

[Three Roses]

I'm sorry it's so rough right now. I don't do EMDR but I wanted to respond and tell you I care.

[Eyessoblue]

Thank you ThreeRoses that means a lot.

[sanmagic7]

eyessoblue,  i have done emdr and am an emdr therapist as well, so i have some experience with this from both sides. 

our brains continue processing between sessions, trying to get things sorted out in order to further our healing.  our minds want to be healthy and that's their natural inclination.  from what you wrote, your last session was extremely emotional, including the idea that new emotions came up that you weren't really aware of.

when we experience the newness of something like that, it is a big change, and, like all change, it takes awhile to get used to it, get comfortable with it, and be able to accept it as part of our lives and beings.  i think journaling is an excellent idea to help with the comfort level of what you're feeling.

i think this forum can also be a further source of support for you.  when i was doing emdr, i didn't have outside support, so i wrote, drew, pounded my bed, yelled, cussed, got a massage to help rid my body of the tension/poison it was carrying - in other words, i did whatever i could think of to help my mind become more comfortable with the newness i was experiencing. 

drawing impressions of how those feelings you're dealing look/seem to you i've found especially helpful.   i would let the impression form in my mind, and just draw it out in its own colors.  it could be messy, scribbles, vague - often i didn't get clear pictures, just sensations, but they had colors, a shape, a size, thick/thin lines.  sometimes an image would come to mind, and i'd draw that (and i'm no artist, but i knew what my translation was depicting).  other times it was just different colored lines, round, angular, whatever.

anything that helps your mind see more clearly what it's formulating i think is helpful.  maybe listening or moving to a certain type of music.  maybe a coloring book and crayons/markers for your inner child's expressions - you don't have to stay inside the lines, and if you want a purple bunny, that's exactly what you can have.

i don't know if you have access to your t between sessions, but if so, and you're feeling stuck or overwhelmed, that might be an option.   i'm glad she would stop during the very emotional parts so you could gather yourself together.  i'm also glad she wants to continue therapy with you.  i think those are good signs that you've got a caring, genuine therapist.

i hope any of this was helpful.  best to you with this.   big hug, my dear.

[Elphanigh]

I started EMDR a few months back as well. Although we took a pause for a bit to process some other things. I have found that the space in between sessions can be difficult, especially when something new has come up. I  personally struggled when I realized the abuse from my family was real, and important. It was a lot of processing and I did everything I could think of to get my mind more comfortable with it.

I agree with all of Sanmagic's ideas, they are all fantastic. I wanted to add that if you can get outside that helps me. being able to sit in the sun, or actively go for a walk can really help the brain process or at least calm down for a little while. I am also one to do yoga when I am stressed, even 15 minutes can completely turn my mind around. It helps to let the body release the tension and the mind can start to process and follow along that trend.

Hopefully that helps, know that you aren't alone in the EMDR struggle.

[Eyessoblue]

Thank you all for your great advice. Yes I shall enjoy being outside or inside with my music loud!
SanMagic it's great to know that you are an EMDR therapist, you speak good advice and I understand exactly what you are saying. I'm very lucky, I get on really well with my therapist she's just the sort of personality I would have chosen so the match is great and the extra psychotherapy at the end reassures me even more. Thank you all for your continued support.

[Candid]

Again, thanks for the catch-up Eyessoblue. Your experience with EMDR sounds very positive. My very first time in therapy laid bare my relationship with my mother, which I'd never questioned till then, and I know the feeling of wanting to keep her 'on hold' while you deal with the new discovery.

I've often found the in-between-therapy times very challenging, but I know I'm a survivor. Perhaps the best way to deal with it is a) to remember you've been through worse (the original trauma) and you have understanding support now; and b) see the discomfort as a good thing, a sign that your mind is sifting through all the darkness in order to lay it to rest.

Personally I find it very encouraging that you're not simply going to be out on your own after x sessions.

[Eyessoblue]

Thanks candid, yes it is positive and I keep being reminded by my therapist that I'm safe now and none of them can hurt me now which I know is true but when you go back to the original trauma it's very difficult to remember that, but I have shed lots of tears something I never did before this process and although it's extremely hard and painful I know I will get there. Hope you're doing ok candid?

[Candid]

I'm doing a little better with my own efforts, but it's very much a one step forward, two steps back kind of process. The therapy dangled out there at some indeterminate time in the future is kinda like a bad joke now. Feels like it's never happening, and because I have a long history of psychological interventions I don't have great hopes of it anyway.

I remember when you first started, your T sounded very high-handed, rejecting the C in CPTSD, telling you to stay off forums, and of course there was that 100 per cent success rate... I've been so very defended all my life that I'm ready to walk out if someone wants to push me around, and I know I'm over-the-top sensitive to any suspicion of someone telling me what to do or not do. Reading about your experiences with the same kind of therapy I'm listed for has been very encouraging. You kept going, despite your initial doubts, and from all your subsequent posts that's been a very good thing. I salute you!

It means a lot to me to read your thoughts about what you're going through. If I ever do get into trauma therapy and I get those doubts, I'll hold off on walking out purely based on your experience. That being said, most of us here know the same kind of therapy varies according to the individual therapist, as well as the dynamic between worker and client. Also, self-doubt is built into CPTSD, in fact for me that's it's most crippling feature. So I get scared at the idea that I'm giving this person power over me, and it's almost impossible for me to trust other people when I can't trust myself.

Anyway, keep it coming. Obviously good therapy can still work if you don't swallow every injunction, ie. that you have to stay off forums! Sometimes we have to give ourselves the benefit of the self-doubt.

[Eyessoblue]

Candid you're so right, you have to make up your own mind about things that you feel are right for you, this forum is a life saver for me and whatever my therapist's opinion was I would not have changed coming on here. She is a very down to earth therapist and sees everything black and white but that is her opinion in things, I respect her directness and honest opinions in things and feel now she is a really good match for me, she gives me that push when I need it and seems to know what to say and when to say it!

[Candid]

She is a very down to earth therapist and sees everything black and white ...

I can see that would be helpful. She's certainly modelling self-confidence!

[Blueberry]

Eyessoblue, I just want to say that my T uses a different type of trauma-processing with me, but same thing applies - the time between sessions can be very difficult. The difficulty is lessening but I've now been with this T for 2 1/4 years. So with time things have been getting better.

I'm very glad for you that your T wants to keep on seeing you for a while after the EMDR comes to an end.      IME it's so important to not 'just heal the trauma' but also get professional support in giving your life new direction, moving away from the dysfunction most of us grew up with. Anyway CPTSD is a beast. The more help we can get with it the better, imo. Of course there are always people who might say "You'll get dependent on it" but quite frankly my experience has been that that is when a T has wanted me to become dependent on her, so T wasn't doing her job properly.

Sanmagic, thanks for the explanations from the eyes of a pro! I've done a lot of children creative work over the years - scribbling, finger-painting, feet painting with finger paints, moving to music, or more soothing things like listening to children's music, reading children's stories, doing dot-to-dots. Sometimes it's been my inner teens that have been doing the acting-out instead - they dance wildly to music instead.
So those are some further ideas, Eyessoblue. Also you can do left-right movements, just walking on the spot does it for me. Pick up whole left foot, then pick up whole right foot. It doesn't work for me if I leave my heels on the floor. Massaging my feet and yawning works too, for when I feel so weak and exhausted I can't stand up and walk on the spot.

[Blueberry]

I've been so very defended all my life that I'm ready to walk out if someone wants to push me around, and I know I'm over-the-top sensitive to any suspicion of someone telling me what to do or not do. ....

... Also, self-doubt is built into CPTSD, in fact for me that's it's most crippling feature. So I get scared at the idea that I'm giving this person power over me, and it's almost impossible for me to trust other people when I can't trust myself.

Same for me, Candid. 

[sanmagic7]

just wanted to address the idea of handing your power over to someone, and the fears around it.  i don't see a t as someone with more power than the client, nor as an authority figure.  rather, i see a t as a guide.  the client wants to get from where they are to where they want to go, and a t knows a little bit more about how to make that possible.  just like a doc knows a little more about the body in general than a patient.

in reality, you, as the client, have all the power you want in your sessions.  you can direct, interrupt, ask, say no, let the t know if something is working for you or not, slow it down, stop to take a break - you're really the only one who knows you, your self, and what's best, what is working, what isn't.  these issues can all be raised in a session, talked about, explored, and get resolved to your satisfaction.  a good t will listen, contemplate, explore with you, and help get resolution according to what's best for you. 

the client's well-being is paramount, the client is there to be helped and guided, and the client is there for his/her own problems.   it's never to be the other way around.  the client retains their power because the t doesn't know everything!   therefore, you never have to feel like you must turn your power over to the t.  that's not their job, to take your power from you.  it is their job to let you know that your power in any session is valid and welcome. 

i've been in the situation where i didn't know i had power, and that was taken advantage of by my t in the worst ways.  i just don't want to see anyone else believe they have no power.  you kept your own power, eyessoblue, by staying with this forum, even tho it was suggested otherwise by your t.  way to go!

[Eyessoblue]

Thanks sanmagic yes you're right-as always lol.