physical abuse? (trigger warning)

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purplegiraffe

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physical abuse? (trigger warning)
« on: July 19, 2017, 01:59:38 AM »
Trying to come to terms with seeing something which I may have been physical abuse, although a T denied that it was. 

Someone being overpowered again and again in a rough and tumble game. 

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sanmagic7

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Re: physical abuse? (trigger warning)
« Reply #1 on: July 21, 2017, 12:41:07 AM »
to my mind, if the overpowerment was with intent to hurt you, not just part of a rough play sort of game, then it sounds like abuse.  people play sports, like am. football, as a roughhouse sort of game, and people can get hurt doing it, (i used to hang around with guys who did that), but they never wanted anyone to get hurt, nor to hurt anyone.  still, the idea was to overpower the others.

this is just my perception of the concept.  i think what's most important is how it felt to you.  did you feel picked on?  bullied?  were you laughed at or mocked if/when you got hurt?  to me, those kinds of things might indicate abuse, rather than just rough play.  my opinion.  something to explore further perhaps.  best to you with this.    :hug:

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purplegiraffe

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Re: physical abuse? (trigger warning)
« Reply #2 on: July 24, 2017, 04:23:08 PM »
Hi sanmagic7,

Thanks for your reply.  I just wanted to check out what happened with someone ... it was an adult overpowering a child and it always started out as play but ended nearly every time with the child hurt (age 10-12) and upset and the adult unapologetic.

It's not happening now thankfully.

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sanmagic7

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Re: physical abuse? (trigger warning)
« Reply #3 on: July 24, 2017, 04:27:36 PM »
i do see that as abuse, unfortunately.  an unapologetic adult who hurts a child?  i don't think that's ok at all.  my opinion, but i do see it very differently than that t.  hug to you. 

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Dee

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Re: physical abuse? (trigger warning)
« Reply #4 on: July 24, 2017, 04:51:26 PM »

I see that as abuse as well.  It reminds me of when I use to be tickled and begged for it to stop.  I hated it, it felt wrong, and I believe it was wrong.

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purplegiraffe

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Re: physical abuse? (trigger warning)
« Reply #5 on: July 24, 2017, 05:31:31 PM »
Thanks for your replies which confirmed what I felt.  There seems to be so much denial from people.  I left that particular T over a couple of issues  ......now I can see she used to minimise and invalidate..... she said it was normal rough play and not to get involved.  At the time having tried unsuccessfully to intervene, I lacked confidence to take it further due to struggling myself and didnt trust my own judgment enough but was relieved when it stopped.

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Elphanigh

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Re: physical abuse? (trigger warning)
« Reply #6 on: July 24, 2017, 08:01:37 PM »
I believe it to be abuse as well. I am glad it seems that you are trusting your own judgement .

Dee, I had that exact experience. I am sorry you went through it too,  but somehow it is validating that it isn't just me that feels that was wrong. I have always gone back and forth on it because it was hard to call it abusive.. because it felt silly almost to do so because of everything else. So thank you for validating my feelings.

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sanmagic7

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Re: physical abuse? (trigger warning)
« Reply #7 on: July 24, 2017, 09:49:06 PM »
it ticks me off when t's don't take these feelings seriously.  if it feels wrong, it is wrong.  there's no debate.

glad you were able to get out from under her thumb of invalidation and minimizing.  not cool at all.

my dad would take naps with me when i was sick as a little kid.  he said that the added body warmth would break my fever (that was the going belief in those days).  by the time i was 9, i was uncomfortable with it, even tho nothing untoward happened.  i was able to tell him i didn't like it anymore, and he immediately stopped.  no questions asked.  i'm grateful for that.

and, that is my example of how an adult should act toward a child's discomfort with something.  anything else, yes, is denial, defense, manipulation, or a power play.   how horrible that so many have had to endure so much.  hugs to everyone.

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I like vanilla

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Re: physical abuse? (trigger warning)
« Reply #8 on: September 25, 2017, 02:10:43 PM »
I think it is abusive even if no serious physical harm was incurred, as the whole situation is clearly focused on the power dynamics between the people involved. Certainly, whether serious physical harm was incurred or not emotional and psychological harm was being done.

The bully (the one enacting the tumbling on the other) is clearly acting to reinforce the idea of power and dominance over the person being tumbled. That whole context of using physical force to exert dominance in a relationship is abusive.

Shame on your therapist for being dismissive of that dynamic. Shame on your T also for being dismissive of your feelings about it. We with CPSTD usually have very good instincts about people and situations. To have someone dismiss and gaslight our feelings is just so wrong and the opposite of what we need to help us heal. UGH! I am sorry that you are having to deal with this situation.