Im sorry...an experiment

[clarity]

Much of my healing so far has come from allowing, witnessing and validating my emotions...mainly IC ones...a cauldron of fear, rage and other things. Today the subject of apologising has come up in several ways synchronistically. It got me thinking about my guilt, and wondering something. Ive never allowed my IC to express her guilt in apology, telling her she has nothing to feel guilty about. But hang on...isnt that just like telling her she shouldnt feel angry? Or sad? What would happen if I allow her to say sorry for whatever it is she needs to say it for??  Going to do it as a S of C thing....heregoes.

Im sorry. Im so small and stupid  Im sorry for being such a nuisance. Im sorry for not being sorry enough. Im sorry for being in the way. Im sorry for being too noisy. Im sorry for hurting you. (birth??) Im so sorry I want to cry and cry. I'm sorry for letting you down. Im sory for not winning. (?)  I'm sorry for being me. I'm sorry for messing up the garden(?) I'm sorry for being upset, always upset and not happy. Im sorry for being weird and not fitting in. I'm sorry for everything everything.I'm sorry that all these sorry's are not enough. I'm sorry for existing. I'm sorry for existing. I'm sorry for existing. I shoukdnt be here. I shouldnt have come. Its my fault for coming. I wasnt invited. I want to die. Im sorry for living. All I can do is say sorry. For ever..for ever. Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry ( big sigh yawn) sorry ( less intense) sorry sorry sorry ( feeling weird giggly feeling in chest) sorry sorry stupid sorry sorry blah blah sorry stop it sorry silly sorry stop it( giggly feeling much stronger) sorry sorry ( sticking tongue out) mischief naughty dont care not sorry hate you stop it sorry stupid no i am not not not!!!!  All said. All done. A million sorrys thats enough. Yawn. Done.

That was interesting!! 
Started off v charged...sorry was v true and visceral. Seems different now... detached from it. Just a concept. Not interesting any more. 

Will see how this feels tomorrow.

IC feels lighter. Still michievous!
Relieved of the burden of all the unsaid sorrys.

[sanmagic7]

that was beautiful!

[Hope66]

Hi Clarity,
I agree with SanMagic, that was beautiful.  Very thought-provoking, and I read it earlier and it has stayed with me.  I relate to it so much.  Thank you. 
Hope 

[sigiriuk]

Oh Clarity - You Star!!
That was a breath of fresh air. How brave to post that beautiful sentiment.
I felt every part of it alongside you.
Peace
Slim

[songbirdrosa]

This is lovely clarity, your openness is truly commendable. Would you mind if I adapt this idea? I think my little-self has a few things she wants to say.

[clarity]

Am so glad that this meant something to others... was always accused of being too out there with my feelings by FOO and so it scares me to share this stuff, not while writing as nothing scares me then! but afterwards when inner critic shows up. ugh.

I went to bed last night so happy and felt lighter after the 'sorry' experiment. Today has been DREADFUL!!!!!!!  the complete opposite of what I expected.  Had to cancel several appointments, and was in bed most of the day, trying to go with it but in so much emotional pain it was almost unbearable.  The sort that makes you want to writhe about and scream.  Not tears though.... sick feeling around the stomach and chest.

I had said I would visit NM tonight - maybe this was the cause?
So I text to cancel yet again, had no reply yet.
It is becoming virtually impossible to see her at the moment - this is what happened with my sister before I went NC.  My body just would not let me go there... the fear and panic got too overwhelming.  Am dreading this happening with NM because of the fallout.  it would be way worse than with S.

I feel trapped and desperate.  Having broken through my coping addictions am left with just the pain.  At least its healthier I suppose.   I watch too much TV still and surf to numb.   

Having written all of this can see clearly that she is the trigger here.

Maybe the apology thing has in some weird way made this situation even more untenable.
interesting that today little me has zero apologies to make!!!

Without the guilt, NM just seems even more vile.

[sanmagic7]

i think it is completely amazing what writing these things out can do for our awareness and realizations.  i think you're on to something there with your mother.  as in so many cases, our bodies will let us know what our brains want to deny.

i hope you continue to move forward with this.  the hardest thing i ever had to do was go nc with my daughter.  it's been over 2 yrs. and i still don't regret it, no matter what all my 'mother' parts had to say about it.  best to you with this.  big hug, clarity.

[Elphanigh]

Clarity, thank you for sharing all of this so openly. Your writing about being sorry really hit home for me. Even if little me technically has nothing to be sorry about, she has a lot she feels sorry for. Much like your inner child seems to have as well. It echoed thoughts I have had for so long. Maybe I will do that for my inner child one day, you have certainly inspired thought in that direction,  but I think right now I would fall apart and just have long cry. It is more than I can place on myself right now. Adult me needs attention to today.

Your strength shines through in all of this, and I am constantly in awe of your insight. You are doing so well, through there processes and through your rough day. I am right there with you, wish I could be of more help