A letter to an old teacher

[kezkel101]

Hi,
It's been 4 years since I have seen you now. I'm not even sure if you would remember me, I was just one of the many people you were paid to help. That said you touched my life in a way no one else ever has or will and I need you to know how much you meant. Logically I know there is no chance of you ever reading this as I will never send it but I hope that by getting it down by letting some people read it, I can finally start to move on or at very least understand what's going on.
My whole life I've been scared. Scared of letting anyone in, scared of being hurt and of letting anyone see the real me. There have been times when I've been able to rationalise their fear, use logic to convince myself that I'm safe yet I've never felt safe – that is until I met you. I don't know what it was about you, logically there was a lot about you that should have put me on edge but it didn't. From the first day, I met you and for ever after all you had to do was walk into a room and I felt something shift that fear turn into an overwhelming feeling of safety. I trusted you, trusted that whatever happened you would take care of me stop things spiralling out of control and keep me safe. Now I'm worried that without you I'll never feel safe again.
Even when things were at their worst and I couldn't see a way forward you made me believe anything was possible. You are the only person that I've ever shown the crazy to who has been able to hold it, not hate me, not get over whelmed – just help me work through it. You showed me a part of me I never thought was real. You showed me that I could be confident, caring and maybe even vulnerable without anyone judging me. You taught me that it was ok to feel, that I could be angry or sad or just be however I was feeling and not let that overtake me. I could sit with the uncomfortable feelings and still be kind to myself – still be me.
I've always been scared of silence. Sitting in a room with people when no one is talking is one of the hardest things for me. It gives me the space to think about things, to worry about what the other person is thinking - to obsess over the last words spoken. Yet with you I didn't just deal with the silences I needed them. You let me know that you were their when I was ready, yet didn't push me. You taught me that sometimes it's ok to just be, that I could figure things out myself safe in the knowledge that you were their ready and waiting to pick me up if I fell, to chase away the darkness in my head.
There were times when the silence wasn't enough. When I needed to hear you speak it didn't even matter what about. You didn't even have to be talking to me I just needed to hear your voice. I wonder if you ever realised. Did you ever figure out that that was why I sat by your office? I always wanted to tell you but was worried it would freak you out. Your usual voice was just normal but you had another voice. A calm, warm and safe voice. A voice that told me you knew I was hurting and that you cared enough to be there. A voice that managed to reflect my emotions whilst still being full of hope and calm always so calm. I'd do anything to hear that voice again.
My whole life I've been treated like a child. Even now at 21 all major decisions are made for me, people are constantly talking about me not to me. You were different. You treated me as an equal, you explained things to me, challenged me both emotionally and intellectually, you always pushed me. To this day you are the only person to hold me accountable refusing to let me blame others yet still helping me move on. This is all the more surprising since you are the only person who has ever seen my inner child. You even said it to me once I'm still a scared little child. You treated me like an adult yet when I needed it you were like a farther. You let me make mistakes, yet stopped me making any truly terrible ones. You guided me with patients and care yet weren't afraid to put in place consequences and boundaries. You're the only person that has ever done that.
I know that I've put you on a pedestal, I know that you weren't perfect no one is. There are things that you never did that I wish you had. You know me better than anyone so I know you knew what I wanted yet you never gave it to me. I needed you to hold my hand and tell me that everything was going to be ok, I needed you to hold me tight and let me cry. I needed you to be real, you were always so professional to this day I know nothing about you. How was I meant to tell you things when I didn't know who you were? You never gave anything away I didn't know what you were thinking/feeling I couldn't predict how you would react to what I told you, it was like someone one coming on a journey but watching it on a screen. You know I need predictability you never gave me that, it didn't scare me because it was you but it made it hard for me to open up. At the time these all felt like unconquerable obstacles now I see how unimportant they were, I wish I'd realise that then, moved through them and given you a chance to really help me. I wonder where I would be now if id managed to grow up all those years ago.
Yet despite all of this a part of me hates you. You should have realised that I was getting attached and distanced yourself. I became addicted to you, you where my safety net, I forgot how to function without you, and I'm still lost. I was terrified, I felt it happening yet I wasn't strong enough to do anything about it probably because it was something I'd never experienced. My past had taught me that all it took to lose someone was an argument – yet with you that didn't work. I tried to make you push me away, tried to make our relationship make sense but you wouldn't play ball you made me push you away and now I'll always have to hate myself for that.  I hate that rather than working with you, talking to you and working through everything that had happened to me I wasted my chance. I just want a do over.
I've been seeing a new therapist twice a week for 15 months and were getting now where. I like her I trust her but there is no intensity. I don't feel the overwhelming sense of safety I got with you, I don't feel the pull to talk to her like with you.  I know no one will ever replace you but I was hoping she would help me move on. I don't know whether to give in or keep seeing her. The stupid thing is you're the one I was to talk to about it and I cant. I know I need therapy my life before you and since has just been trauma after trauma I need help I need to move on I just don't know how to make therapy work.
So what now? I really hope that somehow you will read this and reach out to me but logically I know that will never happen. I know that I need to move forward, get over you not forget you but not be scared of facing the world without you. I just need to figure out how to do this. Four years on and I miss you just as much now as ever, I still cry at the very thought of you, write you letter's when things are hard and wish you were there to share the good times. I just don't know how to do it and no one else seems to be able to help.
From,
Me

[Candid]

This teacher was a very special one, kezkel101.

I'm wondering whether you can contact the school and organise to have a coffee with this teacher, or write her a letter thanking her for her kindness?