When you've always felt the abuse but can't prove it (possible triggers)

[Rainydaze]

You're not alone there! What other people would think certainly regulates our behaviour in public, and that's a good thing. With CPTSD, however, it's often way too significant in our inner life as well. The urge to prove our abusive smear-campaigners wrong can make us behave very oddly, to the extent that we start acting out their poor opinions of ourselves.

These are good insights you're having. It's very important to me to acknowledge who's talking in my head. It's just plain stupid to have hypercritical parent figures there, and I did that for decades. That can lead us to isolate ourselves, which means we cut off the kinder and more supportive voices.

Yeah, I try to remind myself that they haven't lived through what I have. I think because cutting off a parent is so taboo I dwell on it far more than is healthy and almost feel guilty when I do have good days, as though not being miserable about it doesn't justify the process. I'm about 5 or 6 months in to no contact so I know it's early days and I'm trying to be fairly easy on myself while I adjust to this new situation. It's just difficult to put into practice a lot of the time!

I've had a similar story. My N father had serious control issues. All looked "fine" on the outside, but wasn't. There was some physical abuse, but not enough to cause marks. Supposedly all "deserved". Then there was a sexual undercurrent to our relationship that got worse as a teen. Comments, pictures taken of me, questions that made me feel uncomfortable, touching that would be more appropriate for a wife than a daughter but nothing so overt I could really put my finger on it at the time. And a Mother that saw these things and didn't protect me. I do feel more was done, but I can't remember. I just feel nauseous about it all.
Everything came to a head when I had my daughter two years ago. I started realizing it wasn't normal at all and I had to protect her. I confronted both my parents. Not much was done, so after a few set boundaries that weren't respected I went NC. I was blamed for breaking up the family, then my sister came out this year saying he touched her. Sometimes going with your gut and believing yourself has much bigger implications. When I finally started believing my feelings I told my husband and he believed me. This was the biggest step in coming to terms. It was real. You didn't create those feelings and you can't cure yourself of them. Hope you have some good safe people around. I'm glad there are these forums where others have had similar situations and can speak to them. They've helped me see things more clearly.

I know what you mean, this all sounds very familiar and I feel nauseous looking back on it too. I remember not even feeling comfortable enough to get up on a weekend morning and just lounge around in pyjamas, as he would get up like clockwork straight after I did and not give me any space. We had no door on the bathroom for ages so I would be forced to go through his bedroom and shower in his adjoining ensuite while he was still lying in bed, which I now feel sick about. He would actually lock his bedroom door and then get angry when I needed to shower, as though it was a privilege that I shouldn't feel worthy of. At the age of 16 he forced me to go on a caravanning holiday with him for two weeks, which just felt wrong. He also kept trying to get me to go to social events with him as though I were his wife. I think the term for this kind of stuff might be 'emotional incest'.

I think having a child must put this stuff into perspective because their needs become far more important than that of the toxic parent. If I have children then I want them to have nothing to do with my father and will protect them fiercely.  Thankfully my nieces rarely see him as they live hundreds of miles away (good call) and even though they're only 9 and 12 they know that there is something very odd about him. I cringe to think of them interacting with him though and would be worried if they were left alone with him. Once boundaries are disrespected I think no contact can be inevitable, as the only other option is to switch back to the old dynamic which only works in the abusive parent's favour. I asked my father to contact me by text message or email only because I became more uncomfortable than ever with phone calls as I became more aware of how it was being used a tool for covert bullying. He told me I was rude, gave me the silent treatment and went around telling people that he can't get through to me while never bothering to use the communication options I gave him. When you see the light and can identify abusive behaviour there seems little point in trying to maintain a relationship as you're only courting the ideal of a loving parent, not the reality. Though it was horrible for both of you it must have been validating to learn that your sister experienced the same kind of treatment. This is something that people never believe could possibly happen at the hands of a parent and the feeling of not being heard is devastating.

Hi Blues-Cruise,
I just wanted to say that I started to read this thread, and feel that I relate to many things you've said.  I don't feel able to say much more just now, only that I wanted to say something.  I will come back to read the replies another time, as I feel a bit triggered just now.  However I do think what your F did was wrong, and wanted to say that I'm glad you've felt able to write about this, as it is a big step to do so, but I know from my own experience that it is helpful to share the experiences and talk about them, and get validation too.
Hope 

Hi Hope, thank you. I know what you mean about being triggered, sometimes it's just too much to process all at once. It's why there can be about two weeks between each of my responses! This place is great and people are really understanding.    It's so difficult to talk about but I feel better once it's out of my head and written down.

[Combine59]

Thanks for the response blues_cruise. You put your finger right on it when you mentioned "having a child puts this stuff into perspective". I didn't really understand how wrong things were until after my daughter was born 2 years ago. So much of what I've done started out as fiercely protecting her. Then realizing I needed to parent myself I've since had to take some time off (I've gone part time at work) and gone through recovery. Some parts have completely sucked and it's hurt, but there's more good days than bad, and I really wanted to learn what it felt like to relate to people in healthy ways. Only way was NC bc the abuse kept happening.

The hardest part to deal with is reality. My parents live(d) in complete denial. I felt so betrayed. Figuring out what was real in our relationship was hard, because none of it was authentic. So much energy went into a relationship that took everything, didn't give back and was false. Not sure how much of love I even learned from them?

It has been good to see I wasn't the only one that knew things went wrong. My sister didn't tell me until almost 6 months after I confronted my parents about her abuse. It's taken her almost 2 years to tell my parents her side of the story. She's still in contact with them, but has no kids. As you said, kids change a lot. I do love my sister but years of abuse have also affected her as well. It's not easy to have a "normal relationship" with her. At times I feel I've just gone mad bc my whole family seems to really struggle with PD.

I hear you on having a parent that doesn't respect boundaries. My dad also removed doors/locks. Feeling hopeless to share your story and not being heard can be, as you say, devastating. I, too can only be on these forums on a limited basis. Otherwise it's too much. Kudos to us for seeing things as they are. Thanks for sharing.

[Candid]

It has been good to see I wasn't the only one that knew things went wrong. [...] At times I feel I've just gone mad bc my whole family seems to really struggle with PD.

IME it takes only one PD in a family to send everyone off the rails.  I can sympathise with not being able to have "a normal relationship" with siblings.

Is it possible you're the FOO Truthteller, aka the Empath; and, by the laws of thermodynamics (you can take the heat) the Scapegoat?

[Combine59]

No idea Candid about the Truthteller. I think I've always known I was an Empath. For a while growing up I was the GC, but then as I started holding others accountable During and after college I became the SG.
In my family we have two with NPD (I.e father and grandmother) surrounded by borderlines. I think I may have been BPD for a while, but I didn't like myself (I felt mean, defensive, needy) and have tried hard to become a better person.

[Candid]

The Truthteller is not a saint, merely the one child in the family who knows something's 'off'.  She may come straight out and say it,
but more likely she'll act it out, be 'difficult'; certainly she'll represent a challenge to the main abuser -- and be soundly punished for it.

For a while growing up I was the GC, but then as I started holding others accountable During and after college I became the SG.

That takes a whole lot of courage and compassion for others -- not the most stand-out traits in a borderline!

I didn't like myself (I felt mean, defensive, needy) and have tried hard to become a better person.

Like all of us, you did what you needed to survive.  Please don't kick yourself for that.