Letter to my FOO (Trigger Warnings)

[Hope66]

I feel the need to write to you, FOO, and tell you some of the things that are upsetting me about the way you treated me when I was a child.  Writing about my 'timeline' and some of my memories in my diary have brought up some pretty strong feelings, and I just want to 'let them out' - I think it will help my recovery to process them in this way - but I would like to say, there are 'Trigger Warnings'.  Certainly, I have felt triggered by recalling these things, but I really want to 'get them out' and process them, and I do welcome anyone's replies/comments/feedback - which is why I'm sharing them in this thread. 

So, I address this to my FOO - my parents (mother and father) - and I talk to you 'collectively' as if you are one unit, because I feel you both colluded in your behaviour. 

You never told me the truth about things - you expected me to 'forget' and 'bury' any memories I had.  You expected me to play the dutiful and obedient daughter.  Meet your needs and deny my own.  That wasn't fair of you.  That wasn't right.

Did you know how 'alone' I felt at times in my childhood - to the extent that I ended up as a very young child having thread worms in my vagina - and feeling unable to tell you about them - because I didn't understand what they were or why I had them - but they were alive and wriggling, and made me feel uncomfortable, and yet I felt guilty if I killed any of them.  This whole memory makes me feel so ashamed. 

This whole memory has been intrusive sometimes, and has come back to me, and it mortifies me that I had to cope with that.  That it even happened.  I wish I could erase it. 

I can't feel comfortable in my choice of clothes - because I don't feel able to wear skirts and dresses, because you abused my space and my sexual confidence when I was a child, a teenager and a young woman in my 20's.   Here I am in my early 50's - and wish that someone had noticed and helped me to break away from you. 

I feel toxically shamed whilst writing this - it hangs heavy on me, but I want to begin to 'talk about' this and express it, and 'get it out of my system' and hopefully leave all that disgust and shame behind.  Because you know, I didn't do anything wrong - I trusted you - but I realise that you abused my trust, and you made me feel so alone and uncared for. 

I was scared of you - I felt stifled and controlled by you.  I felt like I was constantly 'walking on egg-shells' and trying to 'appease' you. 

Trying to do what I thought you wanted me to do, and be who I thought you wanted me to be.  But 'who was that'  I don't know.  The goal-posts changed, depending on your mood - how could I possibly keep up with that?  It was an impossible task.

Each time I made friends in school - you broke those friendships up, by moving me to a new school - many times - you isolated me in that way - so I couldn't ever get too close to anyone - so I couldn't feel brave to ask for help.  I never did, I kept things to myself, and pretended everything was fine.

I enjoyed writing my stories as a child, I think they were about Princes and Princesses and adventures like that, and my teachers praised me.  So did you (M), but D burned my stories, and said it was an accident - but I wish I could read those stories now, to see what themes I might have been communicating within them - maybe I was expressing the trauma I was experiencing and maybe that was too risky for you.  I don't know.  Maybe it was just an accident, but I felt violated - and upset, and it wasn't right.

I feel upset, I feel angry, I feel traumatised - I feel so many things. 

But I don't show those feelings - I live life and stay 'contained' and I don't think anyone knew - certainly noone came to rescue me, noone showed me compassion.  So I felt alone.

Neglected, and abandoned.  A sense of loss.

Interesting to reflect that as I write this, I have changed from feeling deeply affected - i.e. felt tearful, felt angry, but now I feel like I'm floating and dissociating from it.  But I am glad I have written it - made some kind of start, as I really want to communicate these things, and share them with this forum, because I really feel the forum is a safe place to contain and validate things.  So thank you, if you've read this far.

I don't think I can say more right now, but I feel ok for having written about this.

Hope 

[clarity]

So pleased you could share Hope.
And for all of those younger you's....   

Your FOO were unable to appreciate you.... which is waste of someone beautiful.... its time to be appreciated now....as you are here 

Carry on with this if you can... 

[Hope66]

Thank you so much, Clarity.   

[clarity]

I also had those little critters when I was about 8! Things like that were always dealt with as if

I was an embarrassment
I was a nuisance
I should somehow have avoided it/known better

This wether it was a physical or emotional problem. They made everything a problem! When really it was just life being life.

[Hope66]

Thanks for sharing that you also experienced those 'little critters' when you were small as well, Clarity.

I wanted to reflect on some of the intense emotions I felt after writing this yesterday - I got intense 'heat' and felt a host of 'inner critics' rising up to 'tell me off' for writing about my feelings - but you know, over time, their intensity lessened and fresh perspectives came out - i.e. that it's ok to express feelings, that having the validation of others helps - knowing I wasn't alone - even though I felt alone at the time.

I am feeling better today.  So far so good.

I had been triggered quite badly by something else that had happened in the day - something someone had said.  I wanted to write about it, but at the same time, I didn't feel able to - and I was sitting with uncomfortable feelings relating to that - and in the end I decided to write about my earlier experiences, because at least I could write about some of those.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I feel ok about what I shared.  It felt great to hear someone validate it - and thank you again, Clarity -  again to you.    

Clarity, you are a beautiful human being, and I am glad you're here.

Hope 

[clarity]

Its so great when we start to really see those small changes in ourselves... I am so pleased you are noticing them Hope   

Thankyou for the lovely words... and the hug.  This can be a lonely journey and sharing here makes such an enormous difference!

[Blueberry]

Hope, I'm so sorry, can't write more now. 

[Hope66]

Thank you Blueberry - I feel better for having written my letter to FOO - even though it caused me more emotion and angst during the process, I feel I've processed things better and made a small move forward.  I feel better today.  So far.  :-)

[Hope66]

I just wanted to try to communicate with 'clarity' - you had sent me a PM, and I wanted to reply, but couldn't see how to do that, and now I've checked your profile, I see you're a 'guest' so maybe that is why I couldn't send you a message...?

Anyway, clarity, I wanted to thank you very much for the PM, which I only saw today - you sent it on 22nd July - and I didn't want you to think I was ignoring you!  I wish I could reply to you, but I can't seem to be able to.

Hope