Emotional Flashbacks

[Kizzie]

The hardest part of CPTSD has been what I now know are emotional flashbacks (EFs).  Walker gives a good example from his own life of what these feel like:

I recall the first emotional flashback I was ever able to identify, although I did not identify it until about ten years after it occurred. At the time of the event I was living with my first serious partner. The honeymoon phase of our relationship came to a screeching halt when she unexpectedly started yelling at me for something I no longer recall....

What I do most vividly recall was how the yelling felt. It felt like a fierce hot wind. I felt like I was being blown away -- like my insides were being blown out, as a flame in a candle is blown out....I felt completely disoriented, unable to speak, respond or even think .....

Some years later, I came to understand the nature of this type of regression. I realized it was a flashback to the hundreds of times my mother, in full homicidal visage, blasted me with her rage into terror, shame, dissociation and helplessness (pp. 3-4)

My EFs range from this stomach dropping, mind numbing variety through to really intense ones where it feels like I'm in a special effects movie and  everything is moving in slow motion, I hear and see like I'm in a tunnel or something, and things don't feel real or quite right. 

I am beginning to figure out when I'm having a milder version, what the triggers are, and more and more how to calm myself, but I'm still quite nervous about those moderate to big tsunami ones. I take heart from Walker's suggestion though that the more we practice managing them, the less intense and frequent they will be.

[Kizzie]

These are also posted in the "Rocovery" forum but thought I'd add them here too.

13 Steps for Managing Emotional Flashbacks

by Pete Walker: http://www.pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm

1.   Say to yourself: "I am having a flashback". Flashbacks take us into a timeless part of the psyche that feels as helpless, hopeless and surrounded by
        danger as we were in childhood. The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are past memories that cannot hurt you now.

2.   Remind yourself: "I feel afraid but I am not in danger! I am safe now, here in the present." Remember you are now in the safety of the present, far
        from the danger of the past.

3.   Own your right/need to have boundaries. Remind yourself that you do not have to allow anyone to mistreat you; you are free to leave dangerous
        situations and protest unfair behavior.

4.   Speak reassuringly to the Inner Child. The child needs to know that you love her unconditionally- that she can come to you for comfort and
        protection when she feels lost and scared.

5.   Deconstruct eternity thinking: in childhood, fear and abandonment felt endless - a safer future was unimaginable. Remember the flashback will
        pass as it has many times before.

6.   Remind yourself that you are in an adult body with allies, skills and resources to protect you that you never had as a child. [Feeling small
        and little is a sure sign of a flashback]

7.   Ease back into your body. Fear launches us into 'heady' worrying, or numbing and spacing out.

          a.  Gently ask your body to Relax: feel each of your major muscle groups and softly encourage them to relax. (Tightened musculature sends
               unnecessary danger signals to the brain)
          b.  Breathe deeply and slowly. (Holding the breath also signals danger).
          c.  Slow down: rushing presses the psyche's panic button.
          d.  Find a safe place to unwind and soothe yourself: wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a stuffed animal, lie down in a closet or a bath, take a nap.
          e.  Feel the fear in your body without reacting to it. Fear is just an energy in your body that cannot hurt you if you do not run from it or react
              self-destructively to it.

8.   Resist the Inner Critic's Drasticizing and Catastrophizing:

           a.  Use thought-stopping to halt its endless exaggeration of danger and constant planning to control the uncontrollable. Refuse to shame,
                hate or abandon yourself. Channel the anger of self-attack into saying NO to unfair self-criticism.
           b.  Use thought-substitution to replace negative thinking with a memorized list of your qualities and accomplishments

9.   Allow yourself to grieve. Flashbacks are opportunities to release old, unexpressed feelings of fear, hurt, and abandonment, and to validate
        - and then soothe - the child's past experience of helplessness and hopelessness. Healthy grieving can turn our tears into self-compassion
        and our anger into self-protection.

10.   Cultivate safe relationships and seek support. Take time alone when you need it, but don't let shame isolate you. Feeling shame doesn't
        mean you are shameful. Educate your intimates about flashbacks and ask them to help you talk and feel your way through them.

11.   Learn to identify the types of triggers that lead to flashbacks. Avoid unsafe people, places, activities and triggering mental processes.
        Practice preventive maintenance with these steps when triggering situations are unavoidable.

12.   Figure out what you are flashing back to. Flashbacks are opportunities to discover, validate and heal our wounds from past abuse and
        abandonment. They also point to our still unmet developmental needs and can provide motivation to get them met.

13.   Be patient with a slow recovery process: it takes time in the present to become un-adrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually
        decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradually progressive process [often two steps forward, one step
        back], not an attained salvation fantasy. Don't beat yourself up for having a flashback.

[keepfighting]

Thanks for posting this, kizzie.

EFs are still quite hard for me to recognize, especially the subtle ones with no obvious triggers. Sometimes I just feel unaccountably tired even though I had had enough sleep.

Those 13 steps are great!

[pam]

Although I am reading and liking Walker's book, and feeling validated a lot by it, this list of how to manage EFs seems like a joke to me. None of these tips work for my EFs. Maybe they are too powerful? I am triggered by totally innocent things (or at least what other people see as innocent). But saying "I'm not in danger now" would be a lie. I feel in danger and really believe I AM. I have to go to the doctor tomorrow and the next day for 2 "innocent" "routine" cancer tests. But I feel like I have been wrongly convicted of murder and will be getting the death sentence. (I don't mean cancer--I do not worry about having cancer--I worry about doctors physically hurting me and causing my death, because that's what happened to my mother) It's not some irrational fear in my head. It really happened. But I also knew I was flashing back to it, so I decided to skip ahead in the book and read these "tips" to see if I can help myself. But they really aren't helping, they are just making me mad and making me feel like a failure.

Going to the doctor is a huge trigger for me, but for everyone else it's "normal." There are triggers all over in everyday life and that's why I can barely go anywhere at all without feeling like complete crap and getting upset (I have SA too). So I stay home and try to avoid being triggered. 

It's weird how I finished grieving for my mother, but I am left with the EXTREME distrust of drs. I have no idea what to do about that. 

[globetrotter]

Now that I know what they are, I think they are the key explanation for anger flare ups.

Twice in the last few weeks, my S.O.  has triggered me. Once we were shopping, and she disappeared in the store. My mother did that to constantly me at the grocery when I was very small, and I had a sense of PANIC that I was being left behind. I had to go looking for her, she was never really concerned about where I was. Now, I blew up at my SO for taking off into a dressing room which left me wandering all over, all the way out to the car, trying to find her. Yesterday, she was having extreme stomach pain to the point that she was on the floor grabbing her gut, which, again, made me angry because I was afraid. My mother wouldn't go to the doctor no matter what and had similar reactions to stomach pains. Now she's upset with me for not showing compassion.

Would you agree that these are EFs? I'm hesitant to share the info with her because I don't want every time I get upset to have it thrown back at me.
At the same time, I feel badly for the poor woman for putting up with my irrational blow ups.

[Kizzie]

Hey Pam - Would you feel comfortable telling the doctor about your reaction and discussing it?  I am really afraid of the dentist but once I tell them and they know they need to explain what they are doing, take extra time to reassure me, and so on, it's not quite so bad.  (We moved fairly often so I had to do this on many occasions - I had a really bad experience as a child so the distrust never went away, just my approach -- revealing that and asking for care and attention that would help).

The other thing I thought was perhaps you could rewrite the steps for yourself so that they do reflect the past and the present.  E.g., "I may be in danger if the doctor is not competent, but I recognize that part of my fear is because of what happened to my mother. The other part is that like most people, I am afraid of the possibility of pain and perhaps even death, but I need medical treatment.  I can manage this fear and distrust and get the treatment I need by ............."  Not this exactly but whatever works for you.

   

[Kizzie]

HI GT - I told my H about EFs a while ago and now when something he does triggers me we have a conversation about it.  It really helps because so often my reaction is mostly about the past and only a little about the present, but it's the layering thing that makes me have such a strong reaction.  He gets that and now doesn't walk away confused or upset that I did react in a bigger way than the situation called for.  Much, much better!

[globetrotter]

Maybe. Mayyyyybe I will try this. However, since she is carrying around her own set of Samsonite, she's not always so calm in return, but I may introduce it into the conversation. I just don't want every disagreement to result in blaming me for another flashback. It certainly would help when I'm hit with the question "I don't understand why you're this upset!"

What I am learning is recognizing the fact that it is a flashback and what I'm flashing back to. That's progress, right?

[Kizzie]

Huge progress IMO!

[PureJoy]

Pam, I am right there with you.  These steps are foreign to me.  The "present" does NOT feel safe to me.  I guess we all heal at different rates.  Hope you come to a better place soon. 

I so understand about the doctors.  I watched so many doctors drop the ball when it came to my Dad's care. 

Hugs to you.

[schrödinger's cat]

Same here about doctors. I actually thought about that topic today, when I thought about the Freeze Response. Doctors demand a freeze response of you as a matter of course - they're doing something to you, and they take it for granted that you keep still and obey them. It's not the most untriggering situation you can be in, I think. I profit hugely ifa doctor explains things (even very briefly will do) before she does them. "I am safe" wouldn't work for me either. But simply just remembering that I now have several options to keep me safe, that helps. Absolute safety is impossible, but choices and fallback options and "plan B"s, those are things that happen now, and that alone has made a huge difference: that I'm able to tell myself, "listen, just give it a shot - if the worst happens and it's really bad, we can always leave". After all, the worst about the situation that got me traumatized was this absence of choices, escapes, and alternatives.

[pam]

Hey Pam - Would you feel comfortable telling the doctor about your reaction and discussing it?  I am really afraid of the dentist but once I tell them and they know they need to explain what they are doing, take extra time to reassure me, and so on, it's not quite so bad.  (We moved fairly often so I had to do this on many occasions - I had a really bad experience as a child so the distrust never went away, just my approach -- revealing that and asking for care and attention that would help).

The other thing I thought was perhaps you could rewrite the steps for yourself so that they do reflect the past and the present.  E.g., "I may be in danger if the doctor is not competent, but I recognize that part of my fear is because of what happened to my mother. The other part is that like most people, I am afraid of the possibility of pain and perhaps even death, but I need medical treatment.  I can manage this fear and distrust and get the treatment I need by ............."  Not this exactly but whatever works for you.

I have already tried that in the past--was honest about how I feel and what happened but they (the drs/nurses) seem to get defensive at least, and even dismissive and angry attitude at worst. Once a nurse even yelled at me while she had her hand in me because I had severe sharp pain around my cervix area. I wish I had kicked her in the face. But I was in too much pain. I just haven't had the greatest luck with ending up with "caring" professionals. I also regress to (a scared to death) 5 yr old if I open my mouth to talk at all and start crying. Then they look at me like what's my problem. Not understanding at all. It has been * for my inner kids, so I keep them away from any medical harm for the most part. 

Well, I went to my 2 appts, one being my first mammogram. For once I get a piece of paper that says I'm "normal"! Really? I'm usually the oddball, the freak, always in the minority, etc. So that was nice. AND, most importantly, the health technician was VERY NICE! She didn't scold me for putting this off for 6 yrs, or that I don't really bother to do self-exams, etc. She didn't get mad when I made faces or said ow or made gasping noises. She was very soothing with her voice and words. This in turn helped me "obey" willingly. Just went along with it, didn't feel like she was trying to hurt me. She didn't make me feel like a piece of meat that should just shut up and quit whining. It wasn't as bad as I was expecting (the actual mammogram) but I DID break out into a sweat on my face from the pain and discomfort. I had also anticipated that I would hurt for hours after, but I didn't! When it was over, so was the pain! She said I might get a rash from stretching the skin, and that didn't even happen!

So finally, a good experience. Only problem is what if it had come back that i had cancer? I know I don't have the strength or willingness to go thru treatment and i know how bad this sounds, but i think I'd kill myslef if I got that diagnosis, so it's just a good thing that didn't happen. I did try to tell my male GP the week before--What's the point o getting the test when i won't go thru the treatment? If I did get cancer I'd..I don't know WHAT I'd would do." I figured he knew what i meant by that. But then he says  "Why do you want to worry about it? Why not just get the test and be done with it. Only like 8% of people..." I didn't bother telling him, "But I DON"T worry about cancer--only when you doctors bring it up!" My GP is very charming yet very pushy and I have a hard time saying no to his face.

Anyway, I made it thru that and the next day went for the pap test. Again I'm not worried about the results. This nurse who I;ve seen before and wasn't very nice ALSO didn't yell at me for not having this done for 6 yrs now. (I thought it was only 3 yrs) Anyway, she's gotten better at the procedure if you ask me. So it was over in no time also. And again, I just went along with it, made faces, focused on breathing and being as cooperative as I could so it would be over faster, lol.

But the best news is, I didn't regress for either one....I could cry just for that! What a relief!

But I cannot point to anything I did to prepare prior to the tests, such as using Walker's tips. Actually I cried for days in advance (off an on) in anticipation of not being in control of my own body, having parts of my body helpless and literally in the hands of people I don't trust! I didn't have any coping techniques to use. I figured I was going to be hurt & huniliated, end of story. The only thing I can think of is that, in general, my inner children and teenagers are able to handle more now because they are getting better. I think Walker's tips are too cognitive for me. I mean what you wrote was way over my 9 yr old's head, lol. After the tests, I told her I was proud of us, that we were "big girls."  

recently I found alcohol works perfectly on my anxiety, but I didn't want to go to these appts under the influence because isn't that the definition of an alcoholic?  So I went sober. And I'm glad I did so i know I can handle it without alcohol.   

[pam]

Pam, I am right there with you.  These steps are foreign to me.  The "present" does NOT feel safe to me.  I guess we all heal at different rates.  Hope you come to a better place soon. 

I so understand about the doctors.  I watched so many doctors drop the ball when it came to my Dad's care. 

Hugs to you.

Thanks, yes, I feel better now. Yeah, I don't understand the concept of changing how you feel while you are in the middle of having an EF. It's just not possible with me. I mean, I have improved over the yrs. My EFs are not nearly as intense as they have been, they last shorter time, and I recover better. But, WHILE IN ONE? forget it! I do inner child work and it seems like their maturity and level of healing dictates how bad my EFs are. ....after all, isn't that what they are anyway? (They are for me)

I see it like someone's asking me to meditate while I'm hanging off a cliff with one hand. That's not really the time for meditating, is it? lol. My bodily responses will trump an otherwise healthy activity in that situation.

But I guess I can see it if you are reminding yourself of something you already truly believe. That would definitely work. Maybe I could now remind myself next yr that things went ok, and when it was over, so was the pain. I won't suffer, etc. If you have some good memeories or experience o draw from maybe that is what he wants us to do? IDK...

[pam]

Same here about doctors. I actually thought about that topic today, when I thought about the Freeze Response. Doctors demand a freeze response of you as a matter of course - they're doing something to you, and they take it for granted that you keep still and obey them. It's not the most untriggering situation you can be in, I think. I profit hugely ifa doctor explains things (even very briefly will do) before she does them. "I am safe" wouldn't work for me either. But simply just remembering that I now have several options to keep me safe, that helps. Absolute safety is impossible, but choices and fallback options and "plan B"s, those are things that happen now, and that alone has made a huge difference: that I'm able to tell myself, "listen, just give it a shot - if the worst happens and it's really bad, we can always leave". After all, the worst about the situation that got me traumatized was this absence of choices, escapes, and alternatives.

Wow, that's really true about the freeze response! I don't like to be under the control of someone else and "obey". That is exactly it, but it feels humiliating and dangerous to me. People I have talked to don't have this at all! They trust and just hand themselves over, which is pretty foreign to me!

My inner critic will use whatever it can against me so if I cry, I'm in trouble, if I cancel an appt, same thing, if I speak up,--doesn't matter what i do, I will somehow be wrong. But these 2 recent tests went well, so I should be happy, right? And I am.....except my inner critic says "That's because you have to be treated like a baby!" Because to tell the truth, the technician doing the mammogram DID talk to me in a gentle voice like I was 5 yrs old! And that's what I need, so I feel guilty and like a fool because the inner critic is calling me a baby. Can't win.

I do think it's good to have the awareness of different options. It probably helps to feel like one has some control over what they do and what happens to them. But if you do have to leave a situation, doesn't your inner critic punish you for it? Or don't you then feel like a failure for having to leave? I'm sure not everyone is the same. My inner critic is internalized from my nothing but critical father and dismissive insulting grandmother, so it uses their words to taunt me a lot. (I haven't gotten to Walker's explanation o fhow to shrink the inner critic. I have quieted mine for the most part, but when I fail or get scared, it comes out full strenght again.     

[Kizzie]

But the best news is, I didn't regress for either one....I could cry just for that! What a relief!


Yay adult Pam and younger Pam's!!!!  We need a clapping smilie for things like this