I don't think my mother has NPD

[songbirdrosa]

It's been suggested to me a few times that my mother is a narcissist, but to me it doesn't really fit. I guess it comes from the fact that I write a lot on here about what she's done, but a lot of what I post is me venting and doesn't portray the whole picture. For instance, she's very capable of empathy, and her controlling nature stems from the fact that she's trying way too hard to stop anything bad happening again. But I see now that something is wrong. And while there is elements of narcissism there, there's more to it. So what is it?

After doing some research, I think I have an answer. A martyr complex. True enough, there's been some terrible things that have happened in her life, but I've always noticed that she seems to FEED off it. If you sit still for long enough, she'll tell you every bad thing that's ever happened to her, anyone she's related to, and all her friends. I almost think that she's trying to force sympathy in a somewhat twisted attempt to validate her experiences. She is also known to exaggerate things she's been through in order to paint herself in a more victimised light. And since reading a few articles, all the pieces make up her perfectly.

Here's a couple of articles on what it is and the signs someone has it. I wonder, who else out there has someone like this in their life? And what, if anything, can we who are the victims of these "victims" do about it?

https://healthpsychologyconsultancy.wordpress.com/2012/10/26/the-victim-personality/
https://lonerwolf.com/martyr-complex-symptoms/

[songbirdrosa]

As an example, I think that during my teenage years, in her mind she had me acting as an 'abuser' because she had nobody else to blame. And in turn - as highlighted by the first point in the first article - she manipulated and abused me so that I would become the reactionary person her narrative needed me to be.

In other words, there was no one left mistreating her, so she turned me into someone she could blame.

[Three Roses]

It almost sounds like she has CPTSD too, but it's gone untreated.... Some of those are things I can relate to, too.

Parts of that made me think of repetition compulsion.

And, since this is done unconsciously, it becomes a repetitive pattern, undermining and sabotaging every relationship we try to create.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evil-deeds/200806/essential-secrets-psychotherapy-repetitive-relationship-patterns

[selfmadegypsy]

As a child it was obvious to me that my father was the abuser. I always considered my mother a victim of abuse but I could never understand why she stayed in the marriage and did nothing to defend herself or protect me and my brothers. At the age of 15 I told my mother about the sexual abuse and moved out of the house. Not only did she not believe me, she blamed me for destroying her family. Throughout the following years she has been on a campaign to defend my father and get me to come back to the family and see "all the good things" about him.  I don't think my father was ever diagnosed with NPD but it was obvious to me even at a young age that he had a serious mental disorder. Now that I am older, and have done my research, NPD fits. I have no contact with my father and very limited contact with my mother. The last time I saw her I really started to see her differently. She shows a profound lack of empathy. I have been saying for years that she does not care about anyone but herself. And after not seeing her for some years, and doing a lot of healing in the meantime, this was more obvious then ever. She does a lot of things that are very odd. Like she will go out of her way to take a photo of me from the absolute worst angle. Or, she will tell me incredibly negative things, it's almost like she looks for the absolutely most awful news story on the planet and then tells me about it when i first get up in the morning and am trying to get my coffee. I know it sounds weird but when you see this pattern again and again you really start to think it's deliberate. Waiting for my vulnerable moment ( just got up, need my coffee ) to hit me with horrifying negativity. Or, another thing she does is complain about this 'friend' of hers. Literally she will talk for hours about bad things about this person. It's practically all she ever talks about. Then she will behave like she is completely helpless when she needs to do something. Like, suddenly she has no idea how to drive a car. Or she will become incredibly forgetful, especially when it would be inconvenient for her to know certain facts. She refuses to take any responsibility for the things that me and my brothers went through and actually got quite angry when one of my sister in laws told her that she was to blame for my brothers narcissism. What really disturbed me about the last time I saw her was when I turned on this movie, can't remember the name of it, but it's about a pedophile that kidnaps a girl, and then tortures her mom by leaving little mementos in the hotel where she works. And he gives the girl a closed circuit tv to watch her mom while she is working. Her reaction to the movie was like 'so what', as if she found it upsetting that people are so negative about this pedophile. In the past I have heard her joking with my father about how he likes young girls. Most women, when finding out their husband has been raping their daughter, will call the police, leave the situation, cry, and sometimes commit crimes trying to hurt the rapist. But my mother stayed married to him and to this day can't understand why the * I am so mean to him, and why I can't just get over it. I honestly don't know if my mother is narcissistic, or if she has some other disorder, or if she is just a horrible person. But I no longer see her as a victim. She is complicit. And I would be very happy to never see her or hear from her again.

[Candid]

Hi and welcome to the forum, selfmadegypsy.  You'll find the support and validation you need, here.

Obviously I can't diagnose your mother.  I have doubts about mine, although she ticks most of the boxes on http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html.  To me, yours sounds more like someone who's been through ACE (adverse childhood experiences) without acknowledging them as such. 

Most women, when finding out their husband has been raping their daughter, will call the police, leave the situation, cry, and sometimes commit crimes trying to hurt the rapist.

With respect, and as a former counsellor of incest survivors, I disagree.  Naturally I had a skewed perspective, but overwhelmingly the women (and minority of men) I worked with had mothers who were far more likely to blame the victims for being abused and punish them for daring to speak up.  Others simply ignored it, like the child didn't matter.

When incest is normalised in this way, it suggests (to me) that the mother was also a victim of an older male in the vicinity when she was growing up.  That doesn't mean the mother remembers it.  More likely she had to work so hard to deny what happened to her that she literally can't see it anywhere else.  That level of denial takes a lot of energy, hence the endless misery and intermittent helplessness.

I understand (from personal experience) your outrage that your mother did nothing to help you.  It's a heavy burden to carry.

I'm sure others will have different perspectives.