to you Mamma

[Annegirl]

You tied me up with your chains inside my mind
you "kicked "me out when i got a mind of my own (once id left home you never wanted me back when i wasnt going to follow your rules anymore, even though everyone else in the family is free) and somehow turned the whole family against me, like you did to Pappa's poor mother.
The way she died showed me you have no mercy not even for a dying person and it chilled me to imagine how she must have felt that last year, her 100th year.

She was completely healthy and lucid and begged me over the phone to take her out of that home you put her in, we would have but we were living overseas at that time, it was your and Pappa's responsibility but you ground him down about her over all the years so hefelt so guilty every time he even wentto visit her that he wouldnt have been able to face your dangerous rage if he had even offered her you guys' house.. then when she shouted in that home to " get me outof here" !!!!! They told you she had to leave, you had a 2nd chance to help her butyou were SO angry at her, my loving grandmother who made everything so cosy, you put her in a home for those who were screaming constantly and had dementia (you laughed and told me, the good thing is shes quite deaf so she cant hear it), you showed her everyone was waiting for her to die, that nobody cared about her.

She must have felt so alone and miserable when she died, yes a couple of grandchildren visited her and her son and you, who kept telling me how well cared for she was.. you keep telling yourself all that s*** so that once again you did the perfect and right thing for her and the family..then while she died you dared to go and read to her out of the bible.. and then told everyone how lovely and peacefully she went and really you sounded the happiest id heard you ever talk about her, you were just happy she was out of your life.... im so angry about this and if it werent for you i would have been there for her and had her in my house but you drove me out of NZ. I was a slave to you and you all taught me not to talk for years, you showed me what i said was crazy and i couldnt open my mouth to speak, this stopped me from getting as far ahead as my brothers and sister, your beatings put me in the place you wanted me to be.. but im not in that place anymore and i suppose thats why im not welcome or part of the family, you only wanted me to cook and clean and childrear.
Once i left home i felt like a bird freed from a cage although you tried to drag me back, and tried to stop me leaving.

I am surrounding myself now with loving people, people who love and respect me and my family and love how im raising my children. They are more stable and happy than i ever was and it makes my heart soar and so happy to see them. Love is an amazing and powerful thing. I am sorry for you that you have never dared to let it enter your heart.
with love,

[schrödinger's cat]

    I'm glad that you're free now.

[Rain]

You tied me up with your chains inside my mind

With your words in the letter, AnneGirl, you are breaking loops of that chain.   More parts of that chain to break ...keep going, friend.

You are seeing the ugly truth even deeper, and out of this, you will have your freedom.

The hardest thing for me to understand is that narcissists (and related PDs) are jealous.    They beat us down, and it is out of their jealousy.   A tiny baby they crush, and it is out of their jealousy ...their envy.    And, it has little or nothing to do with who You actually are; little or nothing to do with who I actually am.   Nothing.

The Cinderella story is about this jealousy, and not the Disney cartoon version, the gritty book version.   Mothers and step-mothers are capable of doing this hurtful jealousy.  Siblings and step-siblings are capable of doing this.   Your story, AnneGirl, is like that of Cinderella.   Fairy tales often teach psychology.   Your story has repeated throughout history.

You were the first-born girl, with a twin brother, and that may very well be the reason for her wrath coming down on you.    You would have to find out more family history, but there is a reason she focused on you to crush, friend.   And again, you were a tiny baby, a small child ...it had nothing to do with You.    Your "mamma" is quite ill, and as my therapists have said of my narcissist mother through the many years; she is a "lost cause."

There is such darkness, coldness and, it seems to me, hideous jealousy in how your mother treated your grandmother.   Perhaps jealousy is most likely the secret in understanding why she treated your loving grandmother that way.   Why she treats you the way she does.

I'm so sorry about your grandmother.   I'm so sorry you have gone through a living * for a childhood, and part of your adulthood.

I am grateful you are breaking the chains in your mind, AnneGirl.    Out of bondage.    Leave the dead to bury the dead.   Continue to find those who do know Real Love, and want to grow in its fertile soil.

Your children have a mother and father who love them.    There is the hope, friend.    Your children will find their True Selves, and their wings to fly in life, as you and your husband are also, and will be, joining them in that flight.

Keep breaking the chain links, friend.   More to go.   It really, really hurts breaking these chains, but hang in there.   It is so worth it.     

[Annegirl]

Rain, I read your reply already 4 times and will read it more I'm sure. There is a lot in it.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this to me. I am happy that you also see she treated my grandmother badly, no one in my family has acknowledged it, so I'm so relieved and feel more clarity now that you can see it too. They had a flat made in the back for future in case my grandmother or sister would ever need it. My mother has used it for my sister before but she never used it for my grandmother. My father never dared to face her wrath and if you see how far my mother can go you would see why. I feared for my life a few times and she Threatened disfigurement although she somehow knows to not make it bad enough the authorities would be called. So no one dares to question her as she can't handle it.

My T also told me about the Cinderella story.
What you wrote helps me to let go more and more. Also thank you Bheart and SC I also appreciate your kindness and support so much <3

[schrödinger's cat]

Annegirl, I don't even know what to say. My husband grew up in close proximity to an uNPD person, and I remember that he always says he was afraid that this person would one day just snap and attack people - and he's usually the most unflappable person you can imagine, very phlegmatic and very hard to rattle. I'm trying to imagine what it's got to be like, living with that kind of damocles' sword hanging above you - and there's this sense like trying to imagine what it would be like to live in a thriller, a horror movie. I'm glad you're out of there.     

[Annegirl]

Yes SC, thank you for your validation. I remember just constantly being on the alert. I read and read books on the holocaust when I was at school, I didn't socialise. I think I was just always trying to be prepared so I would have ideas and know what to do if I had to hide or run. Which I had to do many times. Taking my younger siblings away from volatile, what i perceived to be potentially life threatening situations. I am only now starting to remember how "on guard" I felt all the time.

[Annegirl]

P.S. Mother why am I the one who you have never accepted? you tell me it was my decision to leave the country but I did it 50% because you favoured my sister and never let me in your house the rest was better job opportunities and better future for our kids. If sis did that you would welcome her back with open arms every time. You have always found me 'rebellious' even though my sister can talk back to you and be real, I cant. You told me if I ever 'slept around' when I was a teenager or did drugs I would never be allowed in that house ever again. Sis did all that and you love her to bits. My husband was my first kiss, the first guy I held hands with and sis is the opposite to me. I will never be "good enough' for you so stop telling me its what I do that makes you not allow me back in the house.
Stop telling me this, its *. * * * * * * * * * *.

So how much else you tell me is *?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!