"You're No Good To Anybody Else Unless You Care For Yourself"...

[movementforthebetter]

Or words to that effect. I'm sure we've all heard them.

As I've been dating again I've been thinking about how inadvertently cruel such words are. How they imply that only people at a certain level of health are worthy of love.

In fact, I'm pretty sure people suffering from C-PTSD need a stable source of love more than anyone other than children and the severely developmentally or physically disabled. And while it's different, our condition does cause functional impairments.

I can only truly speak for myself, and I suppose I'm mainly venting. Loneliness is loud these days and I resent that because of the situation I was born into, I may have to spend a long, long time alone until "sufficiently healed" to be considered a viable partner.

[Candid]

I don't think you have to hold off on dating, movementforthebetter, only that you're likely to attract and be attracted to people with similar issues to your own. You can then either grow together, keep pulling each other down, or separate because one's healing faster and the gulf gets too wide.

People lacking in self-love get a shot in the arm when someone else shows a positive interest, and steady love from the outside can help us to feel lovable on the inside. The decider is whether we're prepared to grow when the initial in-love glow wears off, whether the partner encourages growth or prefers the endless daddy-rescuer role.

I'm pretty sure people suffering from C-PTSD need a stable source of love more than anyone other than children and the severely developmentally or physically disabled.

True, but the time for unconditional love is in childhood, and if we missed out then, we missed out.  Therapists can show unconditional positive regard towards clients for an hour a week, but no mortal can be expected to keep that up 24/7. It's also disempowering and dependency-creating for an adult to be adored no matter what s/he says or does.

I may have to spend a long, long time alone until "sufficiently healed" to be considered a viable partner.

To be honest, I think isolating yourself is less than helpful and likely to make matters worse. Too much introspection going on, and if we were emotionally abused as children we're likely to be vicious towards ourselves as adults. We need realistic outside input to counteract that.  Best advice is that given to adolescents: get among people in groups and think of making friends rather than finding a partner. There's a smorgasbord of people out there. The ones you're attracted to are the ones most like you, which can help you define yourself if your self-image is shaky.

[Dee]

I've really had to think about this.  I don't feel a person should have to wait until they are recovered enough.  However, if a person is looking to be rescued or fixed by another person, they are not ready yet.  If they have nothing to give and only can take, then they are not ready yet.

Only you know the answer to the question.  You know if you can be there for someone else without getting lost in them.  Right now, I could not date.  It would jeopardize my recovery.  I would either want to be taken care of or I would lose a sense of the self I have just found.

[Blueberry]

I don't believe I'm ready for dating. I've been interested in a few men in the course of my life, but it's always been platonic friendships. I feel fear in the pit of my stomach at the very idea of anything more. I'm frightened of letting anybody get too close emotionally or physically, I'm frightened of somebody trying to take over my life, I'm frightened of somebody trying to push me around, including to where they think I ought to be in my healing by now.

I suppose deep down I don't consider myself a viable partner.There could be lots of healing work involved there, but atm I think it would be too much. I have other priorities, like work. Whether of the earning money type or just around the house.

I have some very close female friends, and quite a lot of people I know about town. I built that up. So I don't isolate all the time or anything.   

[songbirdrosa]

In fact, I'm pretty sure people suffering from C-PTSD need a stable source of love

We can have that, I feel, by learning self-love, care, and compassion. My T said that the most important relationship we have in our adult life is with ourselves, and if that's not ok, then the rest of our interactions can suffer. Victims of past abuse are also far more susceptible to becoming victims again, and that I can say from experience.

However, if a person is looking to be rescued or fixed by another person, they are not ready yet.  If they have nothing to give and only can take, then they are not ready yet.

You're quite right there. A friend of mine wants a girlfriend because he doesn't want to face his own problems (I'm paraphrasing, but that's the essence of what he said), and he wants someone to look after him and make him feel better about himself.

My psychologist and I made a deal that I won't date until I'm more stable and confident in who I am as an individual. I think I owe that to myself to be ok and whole in being alone, and to the person/s I date to be truly me, and not controlled by my past any more.

[Candid]

Great post, songbirdrosa. I agree with your T that the only safe and reliable love is the love we have for ourselves.

[Blueberry]