No help and running out of ideas

[purplegiraffe]

My appointments are stopping with the mental health services.  I've been stuck in a loop with them for years because they diagnosed me but didn't recognise cptsd and the only person - a support worker - who showed any interest in acknowedging childhood emotional neglect and abuse has left.  Being ignored or invalidated has been happening over and over again like a broken record. 

I think because I can be articulate and my parents are charming I have been written off.

So currently my welfare payments are at risk and I'm realising for the first time really i struggle with social skills.  I manage fine for a short window of time per week but then just want to hide or run away and the urge is overwhelming and I go quiet and I know people sometimes sense there's something wrong or other times they don't guess at all but my anxiety grows and I usually end up saying I'm ill or I've got to get back home and then I'll sleep, eat or if really triggered self harm or get in a muddle ruminating  etc. 

My home is chaotic....I don't know how I can think really clearly on one topic and create a mess at the same time!

Where do I start with trying to change many years of struggling to cope with day to day issues when there is no one to validate any progress?   It's so embarrassing lacking life skills at my age now and noone currently is supporting my conviction this is fallout from cptsd and family issues.  I feel deeply humiliated and ashamed.

I don't want to go to work because it would take all my energy just to manage part time but I may have to and I'm really concerned about it.

[Dee]

I also get the urge to hide or runaway.  It takes everything I have not to.  If I have felt that I have done something wrong it is horrible.  Most of the time I have not done anything wrong.  I do feel like a child.

Where do you start?  How about with the first step, then the next, and then the next.  Break it down to manageable portions.  Make a plan, write it down, and start with the first thing.  If I role play in my head it helps.  I do it quite a bit when I am afraid of something.  I anticipate questions and how I might answer.  I also anticipate situations.  This way I at least feel more confident going in.

We are here for you.  You can share your first step here.  Maybe your first step is to  assess your skills or decide what you want to do, or research jobs?  Or maybe to look at a school?  Or maybe to find a support group?  Either way, you can do this!

[Libby12]

Hello purplegiraffe.

My heart goes out to you.  I understand so well the terrible damage that childhood abuse and emotional neglect does cause.  I am constantly shocked that doctors and other health workers seem to refuse to accept this and just brush it aside.  I just don't understand it.

I am new to this forum so I just wanted to say that I really feel for you.  Please just look after yourself and don't give up on asking for the help that you clearly need. Working whilst feeling so fragile and exhausted is just too much to bear,  I know.

Please take care and keep in touch with everyone here.

Libby

[purplegiraffe]

I also get the urge to hide or runaway.  It takes everything I have not to.  If I have felt that I have done something wrong it is horrible.  Most of the time I have not done anything wrong.  I do feel like a child.

Where do you start?  How about with the first step, then the next, and then the next.  Break it down to manageable portions.  Make a plan, write it down, and start with the first thing.  If I role play in my head it helps.  I do it quite a bit when I am afraid of something.  I anticipate questions and how I might answer.  I also anticipate situations.  This way I at least feel more confident going in.

We are here for you.  You can share your first step here.  Maybe your first step is to  assess your skills or decide what you want to do, or research jobs?  Or maybe to look at a school?  Or maybe to find a support group?  Either way, you can do this!

Thanks for your reply Dee and for encouraging me.  The steps I feel able to take seem tiny compared to other people.   Having thought about your reply, i think I'm going to start making time to be creative in the week because at the moment I have no hobbiess or interests.  Well I'm going to try without destroying what I make which has been usually what has happened, which is another topic.  Maybe being creative might help with problem solving?

[purplegiraffe]

Hello purplegiraffe.

My heart goes out to you.  I understand so well the terrible damage that childhood abuse and emotional neglect does cause.  I am constantly shocked that doctors and other health workers seem to refuse to accept this and just brush it aside.  I just don't understand it.

I am new to this forum so I just wanted to say that I really feel for you.  Please just look after yourself and don't give up on asking for the help that you clearly need. Working whilst feeling so fragile and exhausted is just too much to bear,  I know.

Please take care and keep in touch with everyone here.

Libby

Hi Libby, thanks for your reply and for caring.  I'm very relieved to have found this forum.

[sanmagic7]

hey, purplegiraffe,

not being validated by professionals is so energy-sapping, isn't it?  i can totally relate.  that's been going on with me for more than 30 yrs. 

we here know the consequences of childhood abuse/neglect in all its many forms.  you are completely validated here.  i agree with libby about breaking things down to manageable pieces, and with dee about one step, then the next, even if they're tiny baby steps.  they still count.

you have survived so far, and i have no doubt that your strength and determination, two qualities that have gotten you this far, will continue to serve you well.  hang tough - we're hangin' right beside you.     

[Dee]

Purplegiraffe,

Any step is better than no steps.  Also, what works for one person might not for another.  There is no competition, we all proceed at our own pace.  Sometimes I take one step forward and two back....but then I take another step forward.  It's okay.

[purplegiraffe]

hey, purplegiraffe,

not being validated by professionals is so energy-sapping, isn't it?  i can totally relate.  that's been going on with me for more than 30 yrs. 

we here know the consequences of childhood abuse/neglect in all its many forms.  you are completely validated here.  i agree with libby about breaking things down to manageable pieces, and with dee about one step, then the next, even if they're tiny baby steps.  they still count.

you have survived so far, and i have no doubt that your strength and determination, two qualities that have gotten you this far, will continue to serve you well.  hang tough - we're hangin' right beside you.     

Thank you  .... I really appreciate all the replies here. 

(Sorry if sometimes I seem a bit brief a times but I'm using a mobile)

[purplegiraffe]

Purplegiraffe,

Any step is better than no steps.  Also, what works for one person might not for another.  There is no competition, we all proceed at our own pace.  Sometimes I take one step forward and two back....but then I take another step forward.  It's okay.

Thanks Dee - I really needed to hear that.   

[Blueberry]

My appointments are stopping with the mental health services. 

I'm really sorry about this. That must make things seem really tough atm.

Being ignored or invalidated has been happening over and over again like a broken record. 

I'm sorry about this too. I've certainly had this happen in the past, particularly during a number of years when I knew about CPTSD but couldn't find trauma therapists in my somewhat rural area who agreed with me on the diagnosis. There weren't many trauma therapists to begin with and they didn't see emotional abuse and low-grade physical abuse as being 'enough'. Fortunately there are now more around here and I've since found a really good one. 

We'll certainly validate you on here. And there's almost always at least one person on here who'll reply to a post. So please keep posting here. I've found the validation on here useful, healing, supportive. Even tho I have therapy about once a week atm, there's not time for my therapist to validate everything.

I think because I can be articulate and my parents are charming I have been written off.

Fortunately nobody knows my parents, but my problems used to be discounted quite often with "You're so intelligent and educated, why can't you figure this out on your own? Why do you still need help?" So that's like being articulate I'd say. That's long since stopped, now that I have the CPTSD label.

... I'm realising for the first time really i struggle with social skills.  I manage fine for a short window of time per week but then just want to hide or run away and the urge is overwhelming and I go quiet and I know people sometimes sense there's something wrong or other times they don't guess at all but my anxiety grows and I usually end up saying I'm ill or I've got to get back home and then I'll sleep, eat or if really triggered self harm or get in a muddle ruminating  etc. 

Sounds very familiar. It has got better though. I'm better off in social situations where there's something to be done rather than just sitting about chit-chatting. So I go to a drop-in centre and play board games, or on occasion I do the odd hour of volunteer work, or join a walk somewhere. Even going to church is somewhere where I say 'hello' to people and that definitely feels better than hiding in bed. I don't force myself though, just when I feel like it.

My home is chaotic....

Mine too. I can't keep it tidy for long. In fact I have phases where I can't tidy at all. Just doesn't work because something in me is in utter chaos (feelings? thoughts?). I've learnt to accept that about myself. I do have a few friends without CPTSD whose homes are pretty chaotic too. This helps me feel less embarrassed and ashamed.

Where do I start with trying to change many years of struggling to cope with day to day issues when there is no one to validate any progress?   It's so embarrassing lacking life skills at my age now and noone currently is supporting my conviction this is fallout from cptsd and family issues.  I feel deeply humiliated and ashamed.

You will get validation from us here on your progress, but also on the link between CPTSD and family issues.
Where to start? Anywhere. The easiest starting point for you. Or a starting point that seems as if it might be fun or enjoyable. As others have said, the tiniest steps are steps forward, and others on here - like me - do a step forward and half a step back.

I don't want to go to work because it would take all my energy just to manage part time but I may have to and I'm really concerned about it.

Been there too. CPTSD is a beast and healing uses up a lot of energy. Can only hope things work out better for you with the mental health services. 

[Candid]

Where do I start with trying to change many years of struggling to cope with day to day issues when there is no one to validate any progress?   It's so embarrassing lacking life skills at my age now and noone currently is supporting my conviction this is fallout from cptsd and family issues.

We can validate and acknowledge you here, purplegiraffe. I know it's not the same as being 'heard' by a RL professional, and won't help with payments, but it can be surprisingly freeing. I'm in the same situation, while on a very long waiting list for trauma therapy that may or may not shift something for me. The forum isn't just 'better than nothing', it's a lifeline.

[purplegiraffe]

Thanks for your thoughtful and kind replies blueberry and candid, I'm sorry for delayed reply .... been having pc trouble. 

On the positive side I decided I would try to write or paint a little each day to get my brain working.  This has started to help me feel I'm achieving something.

I realised today that I really can't stand being with my father to the extent that i start ruminating and find it difficult not to vent out loud after I've been with him.   So I have a debt to pay off which ties me to him, so I've got to pay it off as quickly as possible to be more free of him.  Which I guess is good to realise and have a plan.

[purplegiraffe]

After writing the above I realised how crazy that must seem to vent out loud....just wanted to clarify that that's really out of character for me!   I realised I had been very stressed and sadly I can't afford to spend too much time together with dad .

[Three Roses]

I couldn't spend much time with either parent. They both triggered different but highly uncomfortable issues with me, and it would take days to recover from any kind of time spent with them.

[purplegiraffe]

I couldn't spend much time with either parent. They both triggered different but highly uncomfortable issues with me, and it would take days to recover from any kind of time spent with them.

I can really relate ..... I had noticed problems for a very long time, but every time I wanted to go no contact I would feel obligated or so guilty that I maintained the relationship.  This was the first time though that I was able to see so clearly the link with him in particular and me having had a number of  breakdowns in the past, without even looking more closely at my mother.  I'm so grateful to be here.  Thanks to everyone for their support x