Suffering after Breakup

[LostinthisWorld]

I am so glad to finally find a place where I might find help and understanding. I suffer from complex trauma since years and have had al kinds of different treaments. In the beginning of the year, after another stationary traumaoriented therapy, I thought my life would improve, I started to work again, found a new partner and started to finally feel alive agein. Due to outer circumstances my partner changed his mind, told me he was no longer able to be in a relatiionship and endet it about two month ago.

Since then I am at my worst. I am going trough terrible emotional flashbacks, the process of letting him go seems to be unbearable to me. I know that it is related to childhood neglect and abandonment. I try to keep myself going, I don´t want to loose the new job. I have a terrible time sleeping, waking up in panic in the middle of the night and can´t get out of the feelings that overwelm me. I feel sick and tired and it makes the FBs even worse and harder to cope.

Other symptoms that occur are a total loss of faith, feeling like I will never be in a warm, kind and caring relationship and that people will always leave and I will never find somebody who will love me for who I am. Spending the rest of my live all by myself, without a healthy, supportive and safe relationship. And that I don´t deserve it because I´m a broken person and not capable.

The pain I feel is exhausting, I often feel like I can´t cope any longer. I have a long history of emotional abuse, neglect, abandonmet and loss. My therapist is at wits end.

Anybody else who is retraumatized due to a break-up?

Sorry if my english is a little messy, I live in Europe.

[sanmagic7]

hi lost, and welcome

i'm glad you found us as well.  so very sorry for what you're going thru.  retriggering due to a loss is so awful.   i haven't had quite the same situation as you, but i am working my way through several losses in the past 8 months, including leaving my marriage of 15 yrs. and the country where i'd lived all that time.

it's so upsetting on so many levels.  i've found so much support here, it's basically carried me through some very rough times.  i hope you find the same.   hope to hear more from you when you're ready.  take care of you as best you can. 

[LostinthisWorld]

 Thank you for your warm welcome, Sanmagic. I really need some support and understanding. I've worked so hard to get my pieces back together after leaving an abusive relationship with a psychopath not even a year ago. The healing took all the power I had left. After two stationary therapies it took me all the courage I had to get into this new relationship, guided by therapists who told me I had to try again if I ever wanted to make new and good experiences in relationships. The new guy has not been abusive, he was always there for me and always held my back witch makes the loss even more painful. He lost his driverslicence due to drunk driving and after this fell into a depressive state and not able to cope with his mistake. Me trying to support him, lifting him up was simply not enough. Losing him its so hard and him not even bothering what the separation is doing to me feels just awful and sends me to a state of reliving the pain caused in my childhood over and over again. He broke up on the phone and I think I will never see or talk to him again, he simply doesn't care. I know that feeling so well.. It breaks my heart- and my soul. Again.

I have done a lot of reseach on the topic of trauma and I know what is going on in my brain and in my body- Breakup is hard enough, after all I experienced in the past. The trauma occurring makes it allmost impossible to deal with. I know I have to make it trough day by day and I hope that I will make it. Then I will have to think about my life and what way to chose for the future, even though I feel there is no hope that for me there will ever be a life worth living. I will have to look for new ways of therapy because the breakdown has shown me that non of the therapies really helped. I have skills in managing symptoms, I am educated about my condition and still life sweeps me off my feet.. I thought a lot about karma even though I am not a spiritually person.. I must Have been a real horrible person in a past life.. Otherwise I cannot explain why I have to endure what life throws at me...

Thanks for creating this space where I can vent. I hope I can help others here, too with some insights, experience, knowledge and my empathy.

[sanmagic7]

i have no doubt you will help others, lost.  your intelligence, knowledge, and experience will be a beacon.  the situation you're in right now really sucks.  it's so hard to lose someone to depression.  try as we might, we can't provide the light they need.  they have to find it somewhere else, possibly thru someone else.  i know that could hurt to think about, but it's never anything personal.

it's like, i've had many people in my life tell me certain things, but it wasn't until i was ready to hear it, possibly in a certain way, certain words, or even a certain tone of voice, that the meaning came through for me and the light went on.  often this was years down the road.

i know what it's like to feel like there's no hope right now.  it's an awful feeling, one of the worst.  personally, tho, i don't really believe in karma - that bad things have happened to me because somewhere along the line i did bad things and i'm getting paid back.    i won't believe in a theory that would make babies suffer because of a past anything.   that's just my opinion.

just want to let you know that, while i can't fix this for you, i can give you my support and let you know you're not alone.   standing right beside you as you figure out your way through this.  please keep taking care of yourself as best you can.  kindness and caring coming your way.   big hug, too.

[LostinthisWorld]

Thank you Sanmagic for your kind support, I really appreciate it. Talking about karma does not mean I believe in it. I guess I´m searching for some kind of explanation why so many bad things happend to me. I simply cannot understand why I have to be suffering almost all my life, getting hurt over and over again. I am so sad and even frustrated at this point of my life that nothing I do will ever pay of. My greatest wish was to have a "normal" life- a partner, may be a family, a home, a job and friends. That´s about it and I really put a lot of effort into me becoming able to give myself permisson that I deserve this just as everybody else does. Before the breakup I thought everything is finally falling to place, but now it has fallen into pieces. The job I was offered is really insecure at this time is- its to complicated to explain but I am not able to depend on it at the moment. There were two weeks this year when my life seemed normal- I felt normal- alive, coming home from work, a partner who waits for me.. and than everything crashed down.. I feel like I do not deserve a normal life. As if my fade is to struggle. I am so tired always fighting to survive- all by myself. I left my home at 14 and since then fighting to get to a place that probably never exists for me. A normal life. I don´t expect to be healed or cured from CPTSD.

I just need period of peace so that I can gain some strenght. Im running out of power- but worst out of hope that it will ever get better. Not just my symptoms- but life in gerneral. I don´t want a life like this- this is no longer worth fighting for. I need peace. I wish for a save and loving enviroment. I don´t know if I might be to damaged at this point that makes it impossible to ever archive.. And i simply don´t know what I am supposed to change- I made a lot of changes the past years. I moved, changed my profession, successfully studied again, worked in therapy, changed the people around me and still the situation has not changed. And I feel helpless just  watching everything around me crashing in repetetive mode.. i live by myself ror more than 30 years now. I just wanted to argue with someone about doing dishes..

I don´t know what to do and where to go from here.. and still miss him so terribly..

The flashbacks have been horrifying this morning- it found myself sobbing and screaming for my mother on the floor next to my bed. I was able to stop it- but it felt like dying..

I made an appointment at a trauma specified hospital next week. My therapist is going on holiday next week. Trying to keep going, trying to keep safe.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, LITW. I'm so sorry to hear all you're going thru and all you've been thru. This forum has been a much-needed outlet for so many, myself included.

We'll be here to listen when you want to vent, to give you our views and share our experiences. There are so many resources here, please keep reading and posting. You will be cared for here.

[sanmagic7]

hey, lost, it sounds like you have one heck of a survival spirit going for you, and i can see and hear it.  this forum, the people here, can help nourish and nurture that for you.  in the meantime, it sounds like you made a good decision to get to a trauma hospital for help while your t's away.  good for you.

it sure does seem sometimes that we get singled out for all the rotten stuff that can possibly happen to one person.  i hear you.    your battling, warrior spirit has been on overdrive, it seems, for a long time.  i know the feeling of it just being too much for too long.

just want you to know that you're heard, supported, and not alone.  we're getting thru this together.  big hug.

[LostinthisWorld]

Thank you Tree Roses. I am so glad to have found a place like OOTS. I feel insecure at this point because I am not sure if it´s ok just to vent. I started crying reading your post just as I do when somebody is treating me nice in the last couple of weeks. Seems like I can´t cope someone offering me care and support. Feel like iI´m unworths, not beeing able to accept any help, beeing stubborn, feeling just like that little child just needing to be understood. I might sound very complex thinking and very confused, but there is just so much going on in my mind at this time. And the overload of emtionions coming along with it. Seems like I am so badly trying to find a way out of my situation and to become myself again. I´m not funktioning at this point. I´m going to work, highly functioning there- as soon as I get home I collapse. Trying to not feel, procrastinating, trying not to let any feeliings come to me that could cause any flashbacks. It makes me even more tired and I think thats why the flashbacks hit me in the middle of the night. I need desperately to get some rest. My brain feels like it is on fire.. not able to stop. Sorry for my confusedness..

Sanmagic, yes, I am in survialmode for most of my life. Its surviving, but not living. My therapist once said, "Even if you try to give up, you will not make it to that point- you are not used to give up- you are used to survive." I´m feed up surviving, I am hungry for living- but at this time I´m starving. I try to  just keep going, meeting friends, going to events, puttong on a mask, feeling like a zombie. But there are some lights that I take care. I reach out for help, I just hired someone who will take care of my home and clear up my place so that I wil be able to feel comfortable again in my home. Its a big fight inside myself between giving up and getting myself back. I am tired.

And thanks again for being so kind and welcoming. It feels kind of good that even strangers take care for each other. The world is maybe not just a bad place.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi lost in this world .. break ups are hard and taps into the 'abandonment depression ' see pete walker website for more info *
I went through this 2 yrs ago and the grieving was deep -
But I now know that we were not meant to last any longer than we did..
not letting myself get into the catastrophising was important the 'I'll never get a life partner' 'what's wrong with me' etc etc etc
Break ups happen all over the place - it was just my turn
Do you have a flashback management plan ? Mine includes grounding and breathing techniques - bringing myself into the now and being kind to myself
Pete walker talks more about this in his plan

Is your therapist really at there wits end ? Because if that is the case then maybe a change in therapist is needed

Sending you a hug

[Kizzie]

Hi Lost and a warm welcome to OOTS.  Your posts really resonated with me as I too functioned well in public and then collapsed in private.  As I was reading your post I flashed back to when I was 30 and single (I'm 60 and have a family now), serving in the military then, and many days would come home and sit in the dark and cry. I did not know why I felt so lost and different and tired and broken.

It took a long time to finally arrive at a diagnosis of CPTSD, but I did four years ago and that's when all the pieces seemed to finally fall into place.  In addition to therapy, doing a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy course, and meds (not everyone finds meds helpful or wants them, but in my case it really helped), two things helped. 

First I finally got to know younger me who was stuck in trauma time, invited her to show herself more and more, then learn how to comfort, care and support her.  I figured out it was she who would come out at the end of a long day of being so adult and together in public, badly needing compassion, to be soothed and feel safe and worthwhile. I just didn't hear her back then. There are a number of resources and discussions threads here about Inner Child work you might want to have a look at them.  I don't know if it will be as helpful for you as it's been for me, but perhaps worth a look anyway.

The second part was talking, sharing and giving and receiving here.  It's an anchor for me, a place I check in to reassure adult me and younger me that I am not crazy or broken or alone with this any more.   So, keep on posting, it can help a lot 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi kizzie
Thank u for the reminder about ic work.. where do I find it on the forum ? I can't see it ...

[Kizzie]

Hey Boats     Here's a  link, and if you go to the "Search" function above and enter "Inner Child" it will bring up various discussion threads about the IC like this one.

[LostinthisWorld]

Kizzie and Boatsetsailedrose, thanks for replying and offering support. I've studied Pete Walkers work and I'm ware of abandonment depression kicking in within the moment of the breakup. And yes, it is my so called inner child screaming and scared to death provoking such terrible fear and pain. And yes, I do have a plan for interrupting and dealing with the emotional flashbacks. For me it really helps to look around and spell the names of things I see backwards. Also a cooling pack right out of the freezer does its work properly. I tried many forms of therapy. Trauma oriented worked to the point of awareness and managing symptoms and changing my lifestyle. I structured my day and my week and it gave me a  big sense of security. It included proper and regular meals, regular exercising and time on my own to do some nice and comforting things. At this point I'm simply not able to keep any of these things going. It all broke down. i have hope that these things will be coming back when I make it trough this. I'm constantly switching between hope and fear that I will make it.

I had huge problems with working on my inner child. I am aware of the fact that it is a strategy to cope with past hurts and a method to approach healing. I tried this in many different forms. I figured out that I have two inner childs- a sign how many broken pieces are there in my soul. One of the childs is healthy, joyful and curios to discover the world which explains my deep rooted disire to travel. The other child is the neglected, emotionally abused and abandoned child. In a therapist session I rescues this child with inner helpers out of a cellar where it was caged and tied to walls, dirty and starving. Not communicating and having a frozen and starred face. I saved this child and brought it to a save house where it has a place to heal. This child does not even let someone get close or enter the room. It starts screaming if anyone gets into the room. I really tried to get in contact but every time it gets worse and i can feel the pain, fear and aggression surrounding this  child and it hurts me so much, I can't stand it.

I tried other methods like psychodrama, a lot of talk- and group-therapy. Do to have stationery traumaoriented therapy it never had the chance to really work stringend on any therapeutically approach which was not helpful for stabilisation. Plus the drama occurring going on in my life left no space for acting forward. All happend there had to be put in crisis intervention and getting through somehow. i never had a phase where it would have been possible to really stabilize. My biggest wish was a time apart from all human beings to take time to heal, to get rest and get my strength back so that I can face the things life will hold for me in the future. I simply never had a choice to begin healing. Always trying to cope with new hurts and wounds, one just a cut, others devastating but in sum to much to bear.

I talked to my therapist this week and I told her that I don't see any major changes after twelve years of ongoing therapy, 5 years diagnosed with cptsd. And that my last hope is to try EMDR. She told me that she would help me find a specialised therapist and that she does not see any other form working for me either. Maybe I bring this point up in the hospital ambulance next week. I wish I already had a plan that showed me the way.

I know that I have to be more stable start it- even though the pain is so intense that I wish for a cure right now. I'm trying to cope. I'm trying to simply survive, day by day, sometimes minute by minute. I hope it will pass- and I hope there will be a way.


Thank you again for your kind support. I really appreciate the warmth and kindness that is transported. This community s a gift to me. and I admire every one of you while struggling yourself, still offering love and support. You all are truly amazing. Thank you.

[Kizzie]

Lost - I just saw this video the other night (cried for all the Masons of the world), and wonder if it might be helpful in figuring out how to reach help your feral child? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZiJkicepzM.  Maybe she would feel safe it it was your other child who reached out to her?    There's technique where you use your non-dominant writing hand to let your IC speak - perhaps she could write a note for the other child, draw her a picture, and then go from there?

[sanmagic7]

hi, lost,

i can certainly relate to continually doing what you have to in order to survive, and yearning for a place where you can just be still and heal.  it's so hard to find, but not impossible.  i'm nearly 70 now, and i believe i have finally found that place.  i'm renting a room in someone's home, and it's quiet here, safe, and i can just take the time i need.  i hope you find that place soon.

i'm really glad you talked to your t about looking at a different kind of trauma therapy.  i am an emdr therapist myself, and i know that when it's done properly and you have a good fit with the therapist, a lot of progress can be made.  i'm very impressed with all the different ways you have utilized to come at this beast.

i have also done some art therapy and massage therapy, both of which were helpful for different pieces of this puzzle.  the art therapy allowed my little me to be creative with crayons and markers at the same time targeting those people who have hurt me.  the massage therapy helped release a lot of stored-up emotions, feelings, and toxins that i've carried in my body for many years. 

i strongly believe that this c-ptsd beast has so many layers, it takes more than one way to get under them and be rid of them.  i wish you all the best in your search for a different way to come at this.  one little step at a time, and, yes, sometimes one little minute at a time.  i often just ask for help to make it thru the day.  i'm still here, so i know i'm getting the help i need.

we are all pulling for you, standing with you, sending healing energy, strength, caring and love your way.  we are fighting this together.  big hug.