Trust

[Gwyon]

A little epiphany. ...

I often give trust to people with whom I don’t yet feel safe -- share personal details, ask for connection or validation,  etc. Trying desperately  to heal the abandonment,  even when it is not safe to do so. No wonder those are also moments of feeling dissociated.

Might this be the paradox of simultaneously trusting yet not trusting that many have described on this thread?

[Andyman73]

Gwyon,

I wonder if trying to trust at face value so desperately, hoping they turnout to be trustworthy in a deeper level, stems from the overwhelming human basic instinct to be connected? We are a highly social creature by design.  Maybe that is what keeps some of us in abusive relationships....just to stay connected?

[sanmagic7]

you may have a good point, andy.  our need to connect, or our abject fear of being alone.  i think it might go both ways.

i, too, have trusted everyone in my life because i had no or very little sense of fear with people.  everything was  an adventure to me, so i went trustingly in.  that's how i looked at it, but it was an incident w/ my parents at a time where i felt terribly alone, the most miserable i've ever felt in my life, that spurred me on to do whatever it took not to be alone again.

i'm now realizing that underneath all of my connecting, i actually didn't  and don't trust anyone.  that's just coming to light now.  it's unsettling to me.  hugs all around.

[DecimalRocket]

Trust has been one of my major issues my entire life.

I didn't trust anyone. Not my parents. Not other students. Not teachers. Not even people on the internet even when I could speak anonymously online. Not even myself. No one. I believed everyone would despise me if they knew me. That they would ignore, betray or abandon me.

It looks like I managed to trust myself and this forum though. What I noticed is that it's easier to learn to believe in trusting someone than feeling that you can trust someone. I've attracted multiple people who wanted to take care of me in real life, yet this forum I've been here for a short time is much easier to trust.

Maybe what made this place easier to trust was not just the kindness of people here, but how I could relate to people here. That people have similar fears, struggles, grief, isolation, distrust and shame. I've related to people with similar interests but for some reason, not as much as people who have the same emotional struggles.

Intellectual hobbies I enjoy are something I'm satisfied to do alone for long hours at a time. I love solving, analyzing, thinking, remembering, understanding, asking questions, researching and so on. But when it comes to my emotions — I prefer to experience them with a community. Maybe it's because I can do much of this logical things on my own but with my emotions — I need warmth and people to relate to.

Eh. I guess in some ways people are independent in one way and interdependent on another.

Oh well.

[Gwyon]

Andyman73: Yes. And I think that the absence of safe connection in childhood -- that unmet need -- magnifies and complicates that basic, shared need for us.

DecimalRocket: Glad that you've found a place you can feel safe to trust.