Dealing with smears

[Rainydaze]

I decided to stop contact with my N father about 4 months ago after he wouldn't accept a boundary that I had requested in order to make myself feel more comfortable with communicating with him. I had considered it for months beforehand and it has felt like a positive step in the right direction for me overall as I didn't feel that I could improve my emotional health otherwise. I am extremely sad that it has come to this and wish I could have a loving father, but I am learning to accept the reality and I'm making much more effort to look after myself. Generally I'm more optimistic than I was, feel more hopeful for the future and I've barely had any IBS symptoms since stepping back, which feels quite telling really.

I think the hardest thing for me is knowing that NF will be smearing me behind the scenes. He sent me his first hoover in the form of an anniversary card the other day as though nothing has happened and I haven't acknowledged it, so I know that won't be going down well. I struggle with the thought that people I loosely know but quite like might no longer approve of me now that NF is trying to get sympathy and telling them how horribly I'm treating him. I guess it's early days and this stuff might get easier in time. At the moment I worry I will bump into NF and his fiancé or be confronted by someone he's been smearing me to. I know it would trigger a lot of anxiety and be unhelpful in terms of recovery but I don't want to live in fear either.

The smears seem like a tricky thing to rise above, particularly so early in no contact when there's still so much healing to do. At the moment I'm just restricting social media and surrounding myself with safe people. I know a couple of people in my family probably have my back and that's quite nice, though upsetting that others perhaps don't. For those who are no contact, do you think your attitude to caring about what others think changed with time? I'm curious about how others have continued to heal while this is happening.

[Hope66]

Hi Blues_cruise,

I think it's hard not knowing what people say or do - you have no way of knowing what your NF is saying or doing, but I can see that you've surrounded yourself with people who care about you, and that's very positive. 

I have been NC with my FOO for a few years now - but there are still some 'friends' whom I've not even told about that yet!  So I think that I find it hard to be open with people about what's going on - I have picked the friends that I've shared things with carefully - and in the main, it's been positive - but there are still some who I feel won't understand, and therefore I haven't told them.

I realise this doesn't really answer your question - but I read your post this morning, and I wanted to reply then, but didn't feel I had the 'right words' - but I've seen your post again now, and I wanted to reply and say something, and so I hope what I have said is helpful. 

More than anything, I just want to support you - and say that you've made a big step - you have noticed that your IBS symptoms have reduced significantly, and that is a positive thing in itself.

Also, we can often think the worst if we don't know what is happening, and maybe he isn't smearing you behind the scenes.  But whatever he is doing, you can't control it - you can only look after yourself, and you are the most important person in your life.

Sorry - I think I'm 'falling over my words' today - at least that is how it feels to me.  Hopefully you can find something in my reply that is helpful, and I'm glad I was able to write something - as I wanted to reply to you before.

Hope 

[Dee]

I'm sorry this is so hard.  The fact that you worry about what your own father may say about you validates all your reasons for going NC.  There is definitely a secondary trauma going on.  It isn't fair, but things are not fair.  I hope that people can exercise their own judgement.  I would be suspicious of any father smearing their own daughter regardless of the reason.  I would doubt what they are saying.  I feel when people talk about other people it only makes them look bad.  I find that people eventually become suspicious and can work things out for themselves.  For me in took a long time with my extended family.  Yet, I got an email from my cousin saying that she and her mother feel I have been greatly wronged.  I care what other's think, but I know in my heart the truth.  At the end of the day I can rely on that.

[sanmagic7]

i echo dee's words about knowing in your heart who you are and what you are.  that's the main thing.

i also understand about smears.  my nc daughter has been doing that to me for years, since she was young.  i never could figure out why none of her friends came over (my younger daughter's friends were over all the time, and even called me 'mom'), until i found out that she'd told them that i'd been beating her.  the school psych even called social services about it and i had to talk to them.  (she'd been harming herself and blaming it on me).

there's much more of all that, but i want you to know that anyone who does something like that is not worth our time and energy, does not deserve the essence of us.  i'm sorry about having to be worried about that with your dad, and i hope it isn't so.  however, for me, finding out some of what she's said about me i wish i didn't know.  big hug to you.  you'll make it.

[Candid]

I find that people eventually become suspicious and can work things out for themselves.  For me in took a long time with my extended family.  Yet, I got an email from my cousin saying that she and her mother feel I have been greatly wronged.  I care what other's think, but I know in my heart the truth.  At the end of the day I can rely on that.

Fantastic, Dee!

When we get clear on what was done to us, the people around us start to wake up. And then after a whole lot of wasted energy trying to get others to 'hear' us, we realise the only validation we needed was our own.

A pox on the primary-abusegivers who took that from us in the first place.

[Rainydaze]

Thank you all so much for your messages and sorry for not thanking you sooner, had a tough few days stuck in my own head. 

Hi Blues_cruise,

I think it's hard not knowing what people say or do - you have no way of knowing what your NF is saying or doing, but I can see that you've surrounded yourself with people who care about you, and that's very positive. 

I have been NC with my FOO for a few years now - but there are still some 'friends' whom I've not even told about that yet!  So I think that I find it hard to be open with people about what's going on - I have picked the friends that I've shared things with carefully - and in the main, it's been positive - but there are still some who I feel won't understand, and therefore I haven't told them.

I realise this doesn't really answer your question - but I read your post this morning, and I wanted to reply then, but didn't feel I had the 'right words' - but I've seen your post again now, and I wanted to reply and say something, and so I hope what I have said is helpful. 

More than anything, I just want to support you - and say that you've made a big step - you have noticed that your IBS symptoms have reduced significantly, and that is a positive thing in itself.

Also, we can often think the worst if we don't know what is happening, and maybe he isn't smearing you behind the scenes.  But whatever he is doing, you can't control it - you can only look after yourself, and you are the most important person in your life.

Sorry - I think I'm 'falling over my words' today - at least that is how it feels to me.  Hopefully you can find something in my reply that is helpful, and I'm glad I was able to write something - as I wanted to reply to you before.

Hope 

Thank you, Hope.  The only people I've told about the no contact are my husband, whom I trust implicitly, and my in-laws, who I only told because I suspected that my father would try involving them in a bid to get to me (predictably yes, he did). Everyone else I know has positive relationships with their families and wouldn't get it, so I just keep silent. It's hard because it's such a big part of my life to hide but people always assume that all parents want what's best for their children. Trying to make them see that not every parent is like that is like banging your head against a brick wall, they can only judge based on their own positive experiences.

Your post was really helpful, thanks, it's just so nice to know that people understand. I do need to remind myself more often that I can't control any of this. I think I've spent my whole life getting by by being a people pleaser, so it's hard not to care about what people think. A big fear of mine too is that I'll bump into someone who thinks I've treated him badly and that they'll dress me down in public, I don't feel I have much fight in me at the moment and wouldn't know what to do. 

I'm sorry this is so hard.  The fact that you worry about what your own father may say about you validates all your reasons for going NC.  There is definitely a secondary trauma going on.  It isn't fair, but things are not fair.  I hope that people can exercise their own judgement.  I would be suspicious of any father smearing their own daughter regardless of the reason.  I would doubt what they are saying.  I feel when people talk about other people it only makes them look bad.  I find that people eventually become suspicious and can work things out for themselves.  For me in took a long time with my extended family.  Yet, I got an email from my cousin saying that she and her mother feel I have been greatly wronged.  I care what other's think, but I know in my heart the truth.  At the end of the day I can rely on that.

I hope people are suspicious of what he says. Plus I hope that one day I won't care even if they do believe it! The weird thing is, family have known for decades that he mistreated my mother and has treated other people badly, but I can't help but think they're still loyal to him. I just don't get it. It's great that your cousin contacted you with support, it must have been so nice to hear that someone was on your side in spite of everything. The truth is the most important thing, isn't it? I'm just so glad to have found this place where people are going through a similar thing and can understand the frustration of it all. I think a big aspect in healing from what I've been reading (and feeling, to some extent) is trusting your own judgement and self-soothing. I relied on other people's approval for so long and doing the opposite feels like climbing a bit of a mountain. Thanks Dee. 

i echo dee's words about knowing in your heart who you are and what you are.  that's the main thing.

i also understand about smears.  my nc daughter has been doing that to me for years, since she was young.  i never could figure out why none of her friends came over (my younger daughter's friends were over all the time, and even called me 'mom'), until i found out that she'd told them that i'd been beating her.  the school psych even called social services about it and i had to talk to them.  (she'd been harming herself and blaming it on me).

there's much more of all that, but i want you to know that anyone who does something like that is not worth our time and energy, does not deserve the essence of us.  i'm sorry about having to be worried about that with your dad, and i hope it isn't so.  however, for me, finding out some of what she's said about me i wish i didn't know.  big hug to you.  you'll make it.

Thanks sanmagic, it must be really hard knowing what's been said about you and not being able to defend yourself. When I had the first real silent treatment a couple of years ago before no contact my father miraculously found Facebook after years of saying he wasn't interested. As a smear campaign tool I think it's a narcissist's/psychopath's/sociopath's (whatever the heck he is) paradise. I've hidden him and any suspected flying monkeys on there because I just don't want to know. A lot of people love using those passive-aggressive 'meme' things and I know seeing one of them and knowing it's about me would send me over the edge. Ideally I'd just delete him entirely but I think that would add fuel to the fire, seems better to me to let him get on with it but not stoop to acknowledging any of it.

I find that people eventually become suspicious and can work things out for themselves.  For me in took a long time with my extended family.  Yet, I got an email from my cousin saying that she and her mother feel I have been greatly wronged.  I care what other's think, but I know in my heart the truth.  At the end of the day I can rely on that.

Fantastic, Dee!

When we get clear on what was done to us, the people around us start to wake up. And then after a whole lot of wasted energy trying to get others to 'hear' us, we realise the only validation we needed was our own.

A pox on the primary-abusegivers who took that from us in the first place.

Absolutely, I think Dee's example shows just that. It takes a lot of inner strength and the courage to commit to healing away from toxic people who want to drag you back to the old fold.

[Candid]

Everyone else I know has positive relationships with their families and wouldn't get it, so I just keep silent. It's hard because it's such a big part of my life to hide but people always assume that all parents want what's best for their children. Trying to make them see that not every parent is like that is like banging your head against a brick wall, they can only judge based on their own positive experiences.

I agree, silence is best unless they actually ask.  Most people in my life now know nothing about my FOO, although most of them know I'm NC without all the details. I'm getting better at saying it was all long ago and I don't need to talk about it (subtext: not to them) if I feel uncomfortable. Almost always I can keep the conversation to whatever-it-was that put these newer people into my orbit.

I think I've spent my whole life getting by by being a people pleaser, so it's hard not to care about what people think.

I know. I like the saying what other people think of me is none of my business.

A big fear of mine too is that I'll bump into someone who thinks I've treated him badly and that they'll dress me down in public,

Whole different situation. Extended family members and one friend inadvertently alerted me to the gist of smear campaigns. So far I've felt too flattened to defend myself, and with hindsight that was a good thing even though it was exceedingly squirmworthy at the time. If these people were to demonstrate that they believe what they've heard, they'd be out of my life. Curtains. I refuse to tolerate being treated as suspect. Fortunately nothing like that has happened for 20 years now!

The weird thing is, family have known for decades that he mistreated my mother and has treated other people badly, but I can't help but think they're still loyal to him.

I'm interested in the way you've worded that. Unless these family members say or demonstrate that they're loyal to him, and assuming you want to keep them in your life, it's better not to assume anything. More likely they're just reluctant to discuss him with you for fear up upsetting you. IME there's nothing quite like believing people see me in a negative light to make me start behaving oddly or even misbehaving. Better to assume they like you as you are and just enjoy their company.

I really hate the mere thought of Facebook. Just saying.

Ideally I'd just delete him entirely but I think that would add fuel to the fire, seems better to me to let him get on with it but not stoop to acknowledging any of it.

What is it he's getting on with? What would happen if you did delete him?

It takes a lot of inner strength and the courage to commit to healing away from toxic people who want to drag you back to the old fold.

In my case it also took time -- about three %^&*$ decades, during which that part of me yearning hopelessly for a family, + a vicious Inner Critic, had me constantly on the run (40 addresses in four cities and two countries in 60 years), wreaking untold damage on my career, finances and relationships. I hope you'll bolt the door to "the old fold" much quicker than I did!

[Kizzie]

I'm late to the thread but wanted to post as I can really relate to this Blues. This was a huge issue for me.  I agree with Candid that people (who are emotionally healthy) will wonder if/when a parent derides their own child.  I had a cousin who does so with her children and it dawned on me one day (coming out of the fog about then), that she was doing so because she is an N.  If it wasn't her son, it was her daughter and/or their spouses.  She is the one with the problem, it's as plain as day now but I didn't see it before I started to recover. Since then I have cut contact with her because I do not like her smearing her children or others.

I suppose we need to have some faith that healthy people will figure out for themselves that our FOO are "off" by smearing us.  Hard I know but having left the old fold I consider it a huge waste of time and energy to be concerned with those who choose to believe my FOO.  They are not people I want to surround myself with these days anyway.

[Rainydaze]

Thanks for your messages Candid and Kizzie, both really helpful and got me thinking!

A big fear of mine too is that I'll bump into someone who thinks I've treated him badly and that they'll dress me down in public,

Whole different situation. Extended family members and one friend inadvertently alerted me to the gist of smear campaigns. So far I've felt too flattened to defend myself, and with hindsight that was a good thing even though it was exceedingly squirmworthy at the time. If these people were to demonstrate that they believe what they've heard, they'd be out of my life. Curtains. I refuse to tolerate being treated as suspect. Fortunately nothing like that has happened for 20 years now!

My mother in law told me a few months ago that she 'saw something' on Facebook but I stopped her before she could tell me as I didn't want to know. Other than that I don't know what's being said, other than his partner telling my brother that they "can't get hold of" me but past ridicule at his hands suggests that he will be going down the smear route, or if not openly badmouthing me then playing it the other way and putting on the confused waif mask in order for other people to feel sorry for him. I think this gets to me more because it's not really him and it makes it easier for people to assume he's completely innocent. 'Squirmworthy' - that's a fitting word for how a confrontation would be because I'm a pacifist and being put on the spot would be my worst nightmare because I'd probably even make myself look guilty. I like how you refuse to tolerate being treated like a suspect.

The weird thing is, family have known for decades that he mistreated my mother and has treated other people badly, but I can't help but think they're still loyal to him.

I'm interested in the way you've worded that. Unless these family members say or demonstrate that they're loyal to him, and assuming you want to keep them in your life, it's better not to assume anything. More likely they're just reluctant to discuss him with you for fear up upsetting you. IME there's nothing quite like believing people see me in a negative light to make me start behaving oddly or even misbehaving. Better to assume they like you as you are and just enjoy their company.

I'm not even close to my extended family so I don't know why I'm so bothered about what they think, but then I'm always overly concerned about what anyone thinks regardless of whether they're family or not. I guess it comes down to not having a lot of self-esteem right now. I think I build up a picture of an angry mob waving pitchforks in my head and assume that because I feel scared of it then it's a real danger, when really a lot of it is me filling in the very many blanks between what I actually know to be true.

Ideally I'd just delete him entirely but I think that would add fuel to the fire, seems better to me to let him get on with it but not stoop to acknowledging any of it.

What is it he's getting on with? What would happen if you did delete him?

Good questions, I don't look at anything he posts but again I'm assuming that he uses it as a tool to gather sympathy where he can. If I did delete him it would probably look antagonistic and I don't want to make myself look 'bad', that's the truth of it I think. 

It takes a lot of inner strength and the courage to commit to healing away from toxic people who want to drag you back to the old fold.

In my case it also took time -- about three %^&*$ decades, during which that part of me yearning hopelessly for a family, + a vicious Inner Critic, had me constantly on the run (40 addresses in four cities and two countries in 60 years), wreaking untold damage on my career, finances and relationships. I hope you'll bolt the door to "the old fold" much quicker than I did!

I feel that desire to go on the run, I feel far too close to him geographically. The inner critic is the real problem though I think. Now it's been a few months it feels far more sensible to go straight through and process the 'new' pain of acknowledging what happened and what he is, rather than go back to the old pain of denial. I don't think I could go back to the old role now, there's just nothing in it for me.

I'm late to the thread but wanted to post as I can really relate to this Blues. This was a huge issue for me.  I agree with Candid that people (who are emotionally healthy) will wonder if/when a parent derides their own child.  I had a cousin who does so with her children and it dawned on me one day (coming out of the fog about then), that she was doing so because she is an N.  If it wasn't her son, it was her daughter and/or their spouses.  She is the one with the problem, it's as plain as day now but I didn't see it before I started to recover. Since then I have cut contact with her because I do not like her smearing her children or others.

I suppose we need to have some faith that healthy people will figure out for themselves that our FOO are "off" by smearing us.  Hard I know but having left the old fold I consider it a huge waste of time and energy to be concerned with those who choose to believe my FOO.  They are not people I want to surround myself with these days anyway.

It is surprising when we open our eyes and see other parents mistreating their children. There was a news story a few months back about a mother who saw in media coverage that her homeless son, whom she was estranged from, had helped victims during a terrorist attack and she decided that she wanted to reconnect with him. In people's comments on various articles about it they generally advocated that it would be a wonderful thing for them to reunite, whereas my first reaction was, "Hmm, it would have to have been really bad for him not to speak to her anymore. This could be the biggest flying monkey attack ever and not many people will realize it." With people automatically sympathising with the parent it's just so easy for their children to be hushed down, even if they've experienced a lot of abuse at the hands of that parent. I think it was good of you to cut contact with your cousin as it's not healthy for you and it's also a signal to her children that her behaviour is unacceptable.

Yeah it does make sense what you say, I guess anyone who is truly worth knowing won't be the type of person who would instantly belittle someone else without knowing the full story anyway. It's funny, when I'm not feeling triggered this all seems so logical, it's just hard to believe when feeling small!

[Candid]

I'm not even close to my extended family so I don't know why I'm so bothered about what they think, but then I'm always overly concerned about what anyone thinks regardless of whether they're family or not. I guess it comes down to not having a lot of self-esteem right now. I think I build up a picture of an angry mob waving pitchforks in my head and assume that because I feel scared of it then it's a real danger, when really a lot of it is me filling in the very many blanks between what I actually know to be true.

More good insights, blues-cruise. It's all very well to say "What other people think of me is none of my business", but it's normal to care about one's reputation. That's why we have libel and slander laws. Anger is yet another healthy response that goes badly awry for CPTSD sufferers, because we're already prone to self-recrimination and rumination. This leads us to the "angry mob waving pitchforks" and trying to guess what They might be saying about us.

If I did delete him it would probably look antagonistic and I don't want to make myself look 'bad', that's the truth of it I think.

The inner critic is the real problem though I think. 

I know you've connected the dots on this. 

I feel that desire to go on the run.... [but?] it feels far more sensible to go straight through and process the 'new' pain of acknowledging what happened and what he is, rather than go back to the old pain of denial. I don't think I could go back to the old role now, there's just nothing in it for me.

I agree that healing yourself where you are is better than uprooting yourself,  Going to another planet wouldn't help as long as they're talking in our heads.  Staying where you are enables to set boundaries. Little steps, my friend, as you experiment with what feels better and what has Repercussions.

It's a good sign when we start to notice just how widespread child abuse is. The news story you cited is a classic example. Any time I hear of someone who's gone fa-a-a-a-a-ar from parents on their own, I get a scapegoat alert. TBH I'm starting to see the adult product of child abuse quite often. It's often hard for me to control the impulse to start clearing the FOG, something I would never do unless they expressed their pain directly to me.

It's funny, when I'm not feeling triggered this all seems so logical, it's just hard to believe when feeling small!

Yeah, I know. An EF measures the difference between me-as-adult and me-as-helpless-weepy-child. 

[Rainydaze]

Thanks Candid. All makes a lot of sense, I've felt less hyper vigilant and far more understood since talking this through. It's good to talk. 

[lotus]

Hi Blues_Cruise,

I identify with so much of what you're saying! I really cared about what my extended family would think. Sometimes, with safe family members, I'd give a non-emotional but blunt message (ie, "I know this is hard to hear, but I have PTSD from that person, and they still engage in the same behaviors, skip med doses, etc).

You don't owe them any explanations, though. As I worked through what happened to me, I gradually cared less and less about what my parents were doing and saying. I'm angry and upset, but I'm getting more distance.

One thing I like to do is to list my "safe people," and also imagine all the kind people in the world who do treat others well. Sometimes I purposefully focus on the fact that there are many loving people in the world when I'm ready to find them (ie, "future friends and loved ones"). Some days I'm too anxious or depressed to go out, but gradually I've become much more able to find and identify good people.

[ah]

Hi Blues_Cruise,

I can relate, I was in a similar situation not long ago with my father.

For a long time I couldn't believe it had come to this, that I actually was considering something this extreme. Even though my family had taken his side and threw me out years ago still I held on to the last thread of supposed normalcy. I wanted to believe it wasn't true. No matter how many times I was discarded I kept trying to "get along". I felt so guilty for thinking of cutting ties with him. But gradually it dawned on me that the only thing worse than cutting ties with him would be to be in touch with him. So I decided to take the less harmful route, though it hurts like *.

There's a wild smear campaign going on against me. He relishes in it and makes sure it reaches me through others in the worst ways possible, while maintaining he's the victim and I'm the abuser. The fact that he trashes his own child so sadistically is a clear indication why this wasn't a choice for me but a necessity, so I've kind of accepted that they won't change, so I have to change.

I have times when it's more bearable and time when it feels dreamlike and unbearable. But I also know for a fact I couldn't change as long as I continued to be poisoned by him in person. I guess it was the worst thing I ever had to do, and also the best thing I ever did all rolled into one.

[Rainydaze]

One thing I like to do is to list my "safe people," and also imagine all the kind people in the world who do treat others well. Sometimes I purposefully focus on the fact that there are many loving people in the world when I'm ready to find them (ie, "future friends and loved ones"). Some days I'm too anxious or depressed to go out, but gradually I've become much more able to find and identify good people.

That's a really good thing to do, lotus.  My defence mechanism for decades has been to close myself off to people and not to trust them in case they hurt me. It's only recently that I've started to give people more of the benefit of the doubt and most of the time I find that people are actually 'normal' (in the sense they're not going to ridicule or hurt me) and nice enough. I'm seeing how little I give people of the real me too, which leads them to think I'm aloof and don't want to be friendly. That's really not the real me though, it's just a wall I put up. It's amazing how ingrained the messages from NF were, that just because a father could choose to be constantly cruel to his daughter that everyone else would want to do the same. Even if I have bad experiences with some people I like to remember people like Alice Miller and Pete Walker who help so many people, plus people who post content on YouTube with the aim to help others. There's a whole community out there where everyone has each other's backs I think. 

Hi Blues_Cruise,

I can relate, I was in a similar situation not long ago with my father.

For a long time I couldn't believe it had come to this, that I actually was considering something this extreme. Even though my family had taken his side and threw me out years ago still I held on to the last thread of supposed normalcy. I wanted to believe it wasn't true. No matter how many times I was discarded I kept trying to "get along". I felt so guilty for thinking of cutting ties with him. But gradually it dawned on me that the only thing worse than cutting ties with him would be to be in touch with him. So I decided to take the less harmful route, though it hurts like *.

There's a wild smear campaign going on against me. He relishes in it and makes sure it reaches me through others in the worst ways possible, while maintaining he's the victim and I'm the abuser. The fact that he trashes his own child so sadistically is a clear indication why this wasn't a choice for me but a necessity, so I've kind of accepted that they won't change, so I have to change.

I have times when it's more bearable and time when it feels dreamlike and unbearable. But I also know for a fact I couldn't change as long as I continued to be poisoned by him in person. I guess it was the worst thing I ever had to do, and also the best thing I ever did all rolled into one.

Yes, I know exactly what you mean! I also reached the point where staying in contact felt like the wrong thing to do. I endured phone calls and resented the constant digs at me and the uncertainty over which mask he was going to put on during the phone call. It was like denying to myself that something was seriously wrong and not giving myself the chance to be the person I wanted to be (which he didn't want, he wanted me to remain subservient at the expense of my wellbeing). It's so hard when they claim that we're the ones abusing them when we know it's the other way around. I am also coming round to the way of thinking that it was a horrible thing to have to do but was the best thing I could have done for myself.

You're right, the way your father is relishing in the smear campaign against you is so telling. Mine ambushed me at my home at the beginning of January to confront me on lack of contact (this was before I went all out no contact) and seemed to be energised by the whole situation, whereas I was devastated and could barely talk. He even poked me in the ribs when my husband left the room briefly and whispered about me to his girlfriend in complete earshot. I knew then that I just did not want him in my life anymore. I'm actually getting to the point where I don't care what's being said about me because I have zero to hide. If people believe I'm an uncaring, mean person then fine; doesn't make it true just because people are saying it!

[Lingurine]

Hi blues_cruise,

Reading your story made me think about validation. Coming from an unsafe upbringing, it’s harder to validate yourself. It seems easier to seek validation elsewhere. That has a risk in it. When people don’t validate you, the hurt inside may increase. Therefor, for me, the answer lies in validating yourself. That sounds easier said then done. When you no longer seek validation elsewhere, but in yourself, you can learn to trust yourself and go on from there. If that makes sense to you.

Take care

Lingurine