Let myself down today

[Dee]

I use to self harm often.  Several times a week.  I would cut or burn or both.  I have done so well since I have been out of inpatient (almost 3 months).  Today, I got documentation in the mail from the court with a copy of what my stalker wrote requesting a hearing.  He said my statements were false.  He wants the injunction dismissed.  I am harassing him. 

I have documentation to back-up every statement.  Calling the police when he violates the injunction is not harassment. 

Still I lost it, like I just can't take any more.  I need the hearing to be over with, but until it is I am not coping well.  Today I self harmed.  I felt so upset, scared, panicked, angry that I couldn't stand it any longer.  Now on top of everything else, I am disappointed in myself.

[Kat]

Oh, Dee... Please be gentle with yourself.  I too self-harm and I know the feeling of shame and disappointment.  You're facing A LOT  right now. It's not ideal, but it's completely understandable why you hurt yourself. 

I'm so proud of you for doing all the hard work of documenting what all has gone on.  That's a huge hassle and something you wouldn't be expending your energy on if it weren't for your stalker.  It's so unfair, but GOOD FOR YOU for doing what is necessary to protect yourself.  And you stayed away from self-harm for so long!  That's impressive and it's progress and it's something to feel really good about! 

Gentle.  Gentle.  Gentle. 

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry you are in distress now. What I would like to say & do! Among the more functional things I would do if I could is be there physically for you in that courtroom Monday. In fact I'd bet the spectator area would be full of us forum members!   

We stand with you and support you, Dee, just as you are, flaws and all, just as you do us.

It's not how many times you fall - it's how many times you get up. I'm with you in spirit, friend.

[Candid]

Among the more functional things I would do if I could is be there physically for you in that courtroom Monday. In fact I'd bet the spectator area would be full of us forum members!

Yup.

I have documentation to back-up every statement.  Calling the police when he violates the injunction is not harassment. 

No, it isn't. It's enforcement -- and it puts it on record.

Stand tall, Dee.  You have right on your side.

[radical]

It's understandable, Dee.

I don't know how you find the strength you do.  I'm in awe of your strength.  You are a wonderful woman and perfection is not required.  Please be kind to yourself.  This would be stressful for anyone, yet you have so much more on your plate than most

Sending love across the ocean, dear friend.

[sanmagic7]

i'm with everyone else on this one, dee.  one more reminder of what a sick mind this guy has, what you've been dealing with.   i think i would've gotten overwhelmed by this long before now. 

we don't expect you to be perfect, dee - never have, never will.  you are a beautiful soul and you have some flaws like the rest of us.  that's all.  the waiting is always the hardest part for me, too.  (waiting for the results of the mri), and during these times we are often going to be messy.  it just comes with the territory.

i am sorry you hurt yourself, so very sorry this is such a distressing situation that you've had to go thru.  we'll all be in that courtroom with you - just close your eyes for a minute and you'll see us and feel our strength and energy supporting you (i'll probably be throwing eye daggers at that guy, too, but that's just me.  i don't have a lot of tolerance for people who hurt those i care about). 

we're here with you no matter what.  you didn't diminish yourself in our eyes.   big hug, sweetie.

[Three Roses]

we'll all be in that courtroom with you - just close your eyes for a minute and you'll see us and feel our strength and energy supporting you (i'll probably be throwing eye daggers at that guy, too, but that's just me.  i don't have a lot of tolerance for people who hurt those i care about).

Yes! you can bet we will be there with you in spirit - you may not be able to see us but we will stand there with you. And san, you hit the nail on the head about the eye daggers!

[Dee]

Thank you for the support.  I have made plans to try to be busy today.  Tomorrow, I see my therapist before I go to court.  I will totally be taking all of you with me.  I'll pretend that you all are a barrier between us.  No eye contact for me, but the person who is going with me is good at eye daggers 

I'll work on staying safe, keeping busy today and tomorrow.  That is my priority right now.

[sanmagic7]

that's your warrior spirit shining thru.  good luck, sweetie.  it'll work out.  love and hugs.

[radical]

So glad you are taking good care of yourself, Dee.

sending love.

[Candid]

I will totally be taking all of you with me.  I'll pretend that you all are a barrier between us. 

We'll all be whispering "Go for it, Dee!" while you're giving evidence, and the court will erupt in loud cheers when he gets done for breaching court orders and is more strictly sanctioned. Then, if you don't object, we'll carry you shoulder-high to the healing porch and surround you with love and care.

[radical]

Please imagine what Candid has described, Dee.
We can't be there in person, but from all around the world we'll be cheering you on in spirit!

[Kat]

Thinking of you and sending strength and calm your way. 

[sigiriuk]

I am pleased that you were able to share it with us.
I will send healing energies your way (if you want).
Slim