SElf-blame as a safety net

[Elphanigh]

I am just wanting to see if anyone else does this, seeking validation I guess. Does anyone else use (or have used) self-blame as a sort of safety net? Like as a kid we may have been groomed into it.. but as a grown adult using it both as the groomed instinct and as a coping mechanism of sorts. It seems like for me that my self-blame helps me understand the horrors of my past (there are many). It also gives me a sense of control that I to this day still really struggle to give up. Being in control and able to predict everything is something I am great at and use to cope with life as it is. Not sure any of that has made sense, sorry.

Does anyone else have experience with self-blame being this kind of coping mechanism?

[radical]

Yes I do.  I understand, I think.  If it is me, I can make myself safe, I can control me.  I can't control the world or anyone in it.  But I can imagine that I can be safe in the future if it is my fault.  The world can be just and predictable.  Best of all, there are so many people who also want to believe in a just, safe world  (or community or whatever)who will reward me for blaming myself.

[Elphanigh]

You got it exactly right. Thank you. I can control it if it is my fault, and I can understand it if it is my fault. If I can't do that then I have to accept a less just world.. and the chaos that was actually the reality I lived in, and that I still do.

[Candid]

It's not about fault, Elphanigh. After a Horrible Event it's natural for us to look for any way in which we might have contributed, because if we can locate the blame in ourselves we can make adjustments so it never happens again. It works in minor things eg. a row with a friend, but goes badly awry in trauma survivors. Thing is, it's worse when there's no fault because the mind will keep on searching, and this turns into a major attack on self-esteem. Because I was raped as a teenager and was prevented from getting professional help for seven years, I was in one * of a state when I showed up in that first therapist's office.

If I can't do that then I have to accept a less just world.. and the chaos that was actually the reality I lived in, and that I still do.

That's the genesis of PTSD and CPTSD. Either we're the problem in such a way that we can expect to suffer continually, or the world is a dangerous place and we can anticipate random horrors for no reason. It's not much of a choice, but knowing we can trust our own judgment is a crucial first step to being able to function.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Candid that was such a helpful response. It is helping me understand this more.. it is truly hard to trust my own judgement sometimes.. probably related to all of this.

[fullofsoundandfury]

I relate to everything everyone has said. I really admire these posts. You're all so good at putting it into words, a thing that is quite difficult for me. I appreciate reading the concepts I grapple with .

I've just had a realization, and this is making me very, very sad

I use my self blame and the inner critic's self hating abuse, to avoid the vulnerability of the pain, grief and loneliness underneath all that. It's one of the many tactics I use to avoid facing the pain buried deep within.

There is a small, sad, hurt, abandoned, terrified, abused child underneath that I have continued to abandon and reject and abuse and avoid. The loud, harsh abrasiveness of the inner critic and self blame is a major distraction. It's a red herring. I have still found that preferable to meeting my real self, the hurt one. If I spend my life either numbed and dissociated or recoiling in toxic shame from brutal self criticism, I am far too busy and distracted to even touch the real pain underneath. 

I'm so sorry to my inner self. Strangely (for me) I don't feel guilty. I am just sorry my authentic self has been so repressed and ignored. It feels good to acknowledge that. I'm sure that this avoidance has kept me alive while my system waited until I was ready to come out of denial and tolerate the truth. I feel that.

This just came to me as I read this, after reading a little bit of Pete Walker's 'Complex CPTSD' book. Seriously, if you haven't got it, GET IT. I can't believe the relief I'm experiencing already, have only had the book for a couple of days.

[Elphanigh]

I can completely relate to that. I am sorry it has made you sad, but the realization is one I have had before. It is important, I think, to recognize the things we use to dodge the real hurt in our inner child. I too admire everyone cna put this into words, because I certainly couldn't yesterday. Reading all of these has been so helpful for me to start  understand what I was only truly starting to realize yesterday.

That book is quite great. I have not read through all of it (I seriously need to pick it back up). I will commit to that today

[Candid]

If I spend my life either numbed and dissociated or recoiling in toxic shame from brutal self criticism, I am far too busy and distracted to even touch the real pain underneath. 

I'm sure that this avoidance has kept me alive...

, it's the conundrum in a nutshell.  Throw in a couple of addictions and things get really messed-up.

BTW, you turn out a fine post yourself.

Glad you've both got Our Pete on your side!

[Lingurine]

It's only natural to want to have control over yourself and or your environment, because as a dependent child you did not have any. What I discovered, is that having control over yourself includes to feel your feelings and not run away from them. If you can stand and acknowledge the pain inside, you don't have to go for validation (or wanting to control) to others. The uneasy feeling of being a human with wounds and scars, is in itself, validating. I see you grow into that Elphanigh and that is another huge step you are making.

Lingurine

[Elphanigh]

Thank you. I took the control of it as a kid, to help understand my world. That and I was told it was my fault, so some nasty grooming went on there. I am so used to taking that blame and responsibility for everything..

My family forced me to be responsible for the well being of everyone in the house in a lot of ways. My abusers blamed me for not only my abuse, but for the abuse of others.. If I did something wrong it meant someone else got hurt.. One of them also forced me to hurt another person more directly.. So I am used to everything being my fault.. I was taught that lesson at the young age of 5, and repeatedly for the rest of my life.. It still goes on in my FOO sometimes..


Thank you for seeing some of me growing into being able to take the part of control that means being able to feel my feelings and not run. It is a large challenge for me

[murfgirl2]

Have been having a very difficult time in therapy working on how ingrained internalizing my anger is. The posts on self blame as a safety net really resonate with me and I think I will get Pete's book today. Thank you all.

[ah]

I can totally relate. You reminded me of a very wise person who once told me, when I mentioned self hatred, that he thought I was absolutely furious at myself during those moments. I thought about it and it made a lot of sense. I was demanding the impossible from myself, angry at myself for not being superman and stopping adults from being cruel toward me. I was feeling so helpless, helplessness was so dangerous, that if I felt mad at myself I might feel in control again.
For me it also becomes like a... ceremony. Something I go through to punish myself. I make the tiniest mistake then I go through a long winded self-attack because I hope it'll lower my anxiety. It never does, though. The only things I've ever found that lowered my anxiety have been kindness given and received. Hatred only feeds the terror.
It makes me wonder if it's possible to just feel horribly helpless, without frustration, just raw helplessness.