Hello

[stillhere.stilltrying.]

Hi.

I'm a married 32 year old father of two. My children are 2.5 and 4 years old. They, and my wife, mean the world to me.

I've been diagnosed with many of the same things that a lot of you probably have been, before I was able to ever open up enough in therapy to land on a PTSD diagnosis. BPD doesn't fit but CPTSD does. CPTSD fills in all the gaps and questions that a PTSD diagnosis left open.

I started therapy again about a year and a half ago after six years without. I first started seeing a therapist once a week when I was 5 years old and have gone on and off until the last few years when I was unable to afford treatment.

Strangely enough, it was a dependency to benzodiazepines that got me the trauma counseling that I needed. I, as many do, found my way to drugs and alcohol to suppress my emotions and memories enough to function. I don't want to go off-topic into talking about dependency and addiction, but the only way I was able to get psychiatric help was to look for help at a chemical dependency treatment clinic.

Fast-forward a year and a half. I've tapered down to a dose of medication that would still put most people reading this to sleep, but wouldn't send anyone over 50 lbs to the emergency room. That should feel great. The thing is, now I'm feeling everything that I had been numbing out for so long.

Being in a treatment center doesn't give me the same consistency in therapy as I would find with a private therapist so I'm now on my third therapist in 18 months. Both of my previous therapists left immediately after we began talking about my trauma events... I know it's not that I scared them off, but I can't help thinking that I did. A therapist when I was 13 abruptly discontinued EMDR therapy in response to how I handled whatever memories came up, and I've never quite shaken the idea that whatever I'm running from is too much even for a therapist to handle. Again, I "know" it's not the case... I honestly can't fully believe otherwise, however, partly because I simply cannot remember much of my life and I don't have any idea what these memories are that I react to.

I've had "intrusive thoughts" that are experienced the same way as flashbacks are, since I was 15. The best way I can describe these, and what ultimately led me to this forum in search of some sort of explanation, are flashbacks of events that haven't happened. Accidents happening to loved ones, etc. They're extremely vivid and stop me in my tracks. Since my recent (and again abruptly halted) therapy work, talking about the most recent and clear event, these have gotten much worse.

My therapist seems to think that I'm simply experiencing these as a manifestation of anxiety stemming from work. While this adds up on paper, I "feel" like it is missing a very significant detail of what I'm struggling with. I don't know what is being missed, but I feel pretty dismissed by that suggestion.

I don't know what to do and I feel quite helpless so, here I am. I just want to be calm and happy. I want to stop crying in the bathroom and I want to stop losing my temper and being harsh with my kids. I want my life back, whatever and whenever that was.

Does this sound like C-PTSD? I don't know what to put here. I'm not used to talking about myself or any of this and I feel like I'm just writing here for attention but I'm not. I need some support from other people who have felt this way. I just want to know that other people can read this and tell me that I'm not crazy. I'm having a really hard time keeping myself going and a tiny bit of acceptance or even just a word of validation, acknowledgment that anybody else feels these things, or at least that anybody understands, or at least doesn't think I'm a lost cause, would be a huge help.

Wishing you all the best, and sending positivity to everyone,
Still here. Still trying.

[Kat]

Hey there!  No, you're not crazy.  The part where you said "I feel like I'm just writing here for the attention but I'm not" made me smile and think Yep.  CPTSD.  I mean, that feeling isn't exclusive to CPTSD sufferers, but what all you described and then throwing that in felt so familiar.

I'm curious to know more about your intrusive thoughts/flashbacks.  I don't have any memory of sexual abuse, but I've come to believe my father abused me based on a large number of things that have come up in therapy.  I should explain that I started therapy because my mother was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

In therapy I began to experience what my therapist has called "something like memories."  I wrote about it on a different thread somewhere.  Anyway, some of these memories I know for sure never happened.  I've had the image of a surgical table with a bright lamp over it come up.  When it comes up, it's always in my father's garage.  I know no such table ever existed.  My therapist and others have explained that when trauma is experienced very, very early on the child may have no words to put to it or even a way to remember except bodily if it happened in infancy.  So, our minds create a story or image to go with it.  Does that make sense?  I'm not explaining very well.  So, the accident you had a flashback of could be viewed more symbolically and may speak for something that felt akin to having loved ones experience an accident. Maybe?  Does that feel like it fits?

Keep coming here.  Read around what others have experienced.  Glad you found us!  Welcome.

[sanmagic7]

welcome, still here, and i'm glad you are.

it doesn't sound like you're crazy, even tho it might feel like it.  i know that one well.  it does sound like c-ptsd, tho, so you're in the right place.

the idea of memories can  take on different dimensions for us.  like kat said, often, if abuse went on before we had words or logic for it, our child minds will create something that makes sense to them.  we aren't able to choose what form that will take.

a lot of my emotional neglect took place before i was two.  i don't remember it at all, but i definitely have the product of it.  i can only imagine.

i'm sorry about your abrupt experiences with those t's.  that kind of behavior can easily make one think it's their fault or something is so wrong with them that they're beyond hope.   instead, it's usually a case of a t not being well-versed enough in the myriad of complex trauma.

i hope you keep posting.   we're here for you.

[Candid]

Welcome to our forum, stillhere! I can empathise with your experiences in therapy, and the feeling that your 'stuff' is too hard for any therapist.

It sounds as though you have a heavy burden of stress. Making the stressors explicit would be a good start, although I realise how hard that can be. At the same time, consider what non-chemical self-soothing techniques have worked for you in the past. At rock-bottom we can all say I've survived this long, and it's important to look at our strengths.

Yes, everything you wrote sounds like C-PTSD, and the feeling of unworthiness when seeking help is a major feature for lots of us. I'll join sanmagic7 in saying you're not crazy; you're having a standard reaction to a crazy-making situation, even if that situation is way in the past.  That just means it hasn't been dealt with, which certainly isn't your fault.

I hope you'll find some relief in reading and posting here. Still here and still trying is the important thing.

[Kizzie]

Welcome StillHereStillTrying    If that's not a name that speaks to your courage, I don't know what does.     I often think about the fact that so many of us managed to keep going in the face of ongoing trauma.  I've come to believe that some small part of us understands we're not crazy and that we can find the path out of our pain if we keep on looking.  Finding out we have a stress disorder with a set of common symptoms is the first big step in that regard so I'm glad you were able to find out about CPTSD.   

I remember someone saying in documentary that he hated being called mentally ill because he felt he was perfectly normal for what he had been through. And It's true that we develop defenses to protect ourselves and to survive in abnormal circumstances (therefore how we react is "normal" in the face of ongoing trauma because we all have common symptoms if you can follow the logic lol  ). I don't know if you've read any of Pete Walker's work (he's a trauma therapist who has CPTSD himself), but he writes:

First, the good news about Cptsd. It is a set of learned responses and a failure to complete numerous important developmental tasks. This means that it is environmentally, not genetically, caused. In other words, unlike most of the diagnoses it is confused with, it is neither inborn nor characterological. As such it is learned. It is not inscribed in your DNA. It is a disorder caused by nurture (or lack thereof), not nature. "

This is from his book  "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" and he goes on to say that what is learned can be unlearned. 

Ever since I read his book 4 years ago I have held on tightly to that and it has helped me to stay on the path to recovery.  And yes,  I am recovering so I hope this gives you hope to keep on trying, you're so worth it 

Kizzie

[Candid]

I remember someone saying in documentary that he hated being called mentally ill because he felt he was perfectly normal for what he had been through.

I'm with him. I really hate it when I realise how flaky I look to others, but that's another way to shoot myself in the foot.

First, the good news about Cptsd. It is a set of learned responses and a failure to complete numerous important developmental tasks. This means that it is environmentally, not genetically, caused. In other words, unlike most of the diagnoses it is confused with, it is neither inborn nor characterological. "

Thanks for posting this, as I head for long-awaited therapy. Learned (but maladaptive) responses and those missing developmental tasks are what I want to work on.