Hyper sensitive ruins me.

[Tired_of_Raging]

I found this website and felt relieved. Although I've been diagnosed with PTSD and have had 2 sessions of EMDR, I know I have complex PTSD and don't know where to start. I want to write more later but I was brought up around physical abuse, he later ended up in prison for vehicular manslaughter, he was my mom's live in boyfriend.  I later had 2 children to a man who ended up severely psychologically abusing me and then physically abusive. It was like leaving an addiction, it was living * getting away. After trying to rebuild myself with my kids,  he filed for custody to take the kids but used the court as a weapon.  It was trauma all over again. I finally became so numb and gave up internally.  I am physically here but not the same anymore. My relationships with family have sufferered, the way I treat my kids, and dating relationships end horribly.  I'm tired.  I try and know that I am screaming inside for someone to understand me. Im not a horrible a person but very sweet and timid. I don't want drama but end up in a spiral of it. I can't seem to get out of the "web" I know much has to do with my mom and her treatment of me... or absence...  but then I feel like I'm blaming. It's a vicious circle. Not sure where to go. I even have a Master's in Mental Health and understand the tools of coping.... it's the custody battle after o graduated,  that led to a protective order against him,  that put me over the edge. Now I try to have healthy relationships in dating but end up raging at dumb stuff.. I don't trust anything and question everything, So the guy runs away. I look stupid after I questions normal things... I feel like I don't know normal behavior anymore. Ironic because I should be the counselor!!  I just need help in working out the raging symptoms that I have, often. I want either to be left alone and become highly annoyed by things or want answers honest, raw answers. my kids dad was a HUGE liar and serious manipulator and it took me a long time to accept he was that way... now I question everyone. 
Ugh.

[Candid]

Hi and welcome, Tired_of_Raging.    I'm glad finding this forum gave you some relief, because you're definitely in the right place. Not knowing where to start is the standard reaction to realising you have CPTSD. A Master's in Mental Health is a double-edged sword: knowing what you need but not knowing how to get it. 

You have a lot of trauma in your past and it sounds as though you've hit a crisis. Well done for accessing EMDR; I hope it's proceeding at a pace you can handle and that your therapist is savvy enough to help you contain what comes up.

Apart from that, reading and posting here is a powerful experience for most of us. You have a lot of company here.