Question Re: Experiences in Therapy (TW)

Started by Kat, August 04, 2017, 05:32:41 AM

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Kat

I wanted to describe something that happened in therapy today to see if anyone has experienced anything somewhat similar.

Background Info: My mother suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder.  Borderline mothers can be any one or any combination of the following: Queen, Waif, Witch or Hermit.  Mine was waif, witch, and hermit.  She was very verbally abusive.  During the course of individual therapy, I've come to believe my father molested me, but I have no concrete memories of it.

I went into therapy without much on my mind, or so I thought. We were just getting started and my therapist was just kind of checking in.  She said something and a voice in my head responded immediately with, "Shut the * up."  I told my therapist this and we started to explore whose voice it might have been and why they wanted her to shut up. 

Pretty soon thereafter, I felt as if my whole body was physically shrinking, and I had become a small girl.  As we explored this feeling, I mentioned that if felt like I was in elementary school and had been sent outside.  I was in trouble and was hanging my head.  I used to cry a lot in school so teachers would often send me out to go put water on my face and calm down.  I told my therapist it felt like I'd been sent out for crying.

All the while that this was going on, I had an urge to hit myself in the head or hurt myself somehow. 

And then the muscle spasms or involuntary muscle movements began.  This often happens just before I go into another state that often involves "something like memories" to play out.  My arm muscles become very tense, but also my arms or legs sometimes jerk involuntarily.  When the muscle stuff began, I said, "Oh, man..."  My therapist understood what I meant--that I could feel something coming up and that I didn't want to deal with it.  She assured me she knows how much I hate it, but also asked to be curious about what was coming up if I could.

Out of nowhere, I got an image of a dead squirrel.  The image was static and less like an actual image than a feeling of a dead squirrel being presented.  (I know, confusing.)  I found myself saying that my mother had cut the head off of a squirrel and was holding it up over the kitchen sink.  Then I got an image of guts coming out of the squirrel.  I began to gag IRL and had to breathe to steady myself.  I again found myself talking from the perspective of me as a child.  I told my therapist that I thought my mother was going to cook the squirrel and that she was mocking us (me and my sisters, I assume), for being so disgusted.  I got a sense that my mother was telling us that if it's good enough for a dog to eat, it's good enough for us.  She then got angry at us for being so grossed out by the dead squirrel and told us to "just get out...go!" 

So, what I'm wondering is if others have experienced bodily signals letting you know you might be switching states or are about to have something come up--memories/images?  The other thing is that I doubt this whole thing with a squirrel happened, yet it was all just sort of revealed to me.  Have any of you experienced this type of "remembering"?  I'm just wondering if any of the way this played out feels at all familiar to anyone.


Three Roses

I have not had that happen. Been going to therapy only a few months now, and most of the time I feel like I still need to present the "shiny happy" me to my T. I would love for things like this to come up. Did it scare you?

Elphanigh

That sounds quite intense. I hope you are doing some much needed care for yourself today, I can imagine a session like that is taxing.

I  have not had memories come up quite like that in therapy. I have had the feelings of being a small girl in therapy before, because a memory came back to me.. but never one I had forgotten. It is always ones I knew I had in session but am not specifically focusing on. That being said I have remember things that weren't previously in my conscious memory, mine hit like that almost.. Not as physically but there were small just signs of what I would consider a normal flashback but different than those usually are.. just the closest I can describe. You are not alone in being able to sense a change of sorts

Try not to doubt or judge the memory that came back. There is often no way to know if they did happen like we remember them, but it is important to recognize that we have them and the affect the memory as we know it has on us. That is just my personal experience. I know everyone is different. I just found if I over analyzed or judged my memory it could send me into a pretty bad state

Best of luck with this.  I am glad your T sounds very well able to help you through these

Dee


I have never had memories come to me in therapy.  I have had memories just come back to me outside of therapy.  Usually, they are triggered by a photo, or reading something, or talking to someone.  Then I just have a fairly intact memory, all of a sudden, and I feel I knew all along, I just didn't remember.  It is very upsetting and it is all I can think about for days or until I get the next one.

I have felt small in therapy.  I have had an overwhelming urge to run.  I have felt like a child.  I often feel like I can't see well.  My eyes really start to bother me and I have trouble seeing.  I just want to get away.  Unlike you, I don't verbalize what I am feeling.  I am not sure I could even.  I have just recently been able to say that I am not okay.  We have not gone into trauma yet.  All we have talked about is the larger picture. 

I have been told that I do have different ego states, but not DID.  When inpatient I was diagnosed with dissociative disorder not otherwise specified.  When I came back home my therapist and psychiatrist said I don't need another diagnosis and dissociation is part of CPTSD. 

Elphanigh

Dee, I too have been told I have different ego states.. my T and I are incorporating some ego state work into my therapy. It is from her understanding part of Cptsd as well.

Kat

I didn't have any experiences of this kind until a good five or six years into therapy. 

I took good care of myself after the session yesterday, but when I woke up this morning I found it really hard to remember what took place last night.  It's coming back to me in pieces.

fullofsoundandfury

#6
Hi!  :wave:

I have memories and sensations and experiences exactly like yours, quite frequently. I don't go to therapy but I do experience what you did, at home when I am by myself.

I've learned from this book http://pete-walker.com/complex_ptsd_book.html that a lot of people with CPTSD don't have visual flashbacks like people with PTSD do, but have emotional flashbacks instead which are very difficult to discern. Having a flashback of a squirrel makes it a bit easier to know exactly what your body is panicking about, but when you are suffering primarily unconscious emotional triggers, it's soooo hard to catch and identify. Emotional triggers fling us back to how we felt when we were small and being hurt, and then our inner critic really belts into us which makes us even more adrenalised, but it's all so automatic that we can't discern what is happening. This is the value in having a great book or something to read about it, make it conscious. Once it's explained we can get some distance, perspective, self compassion and self protection. 

I have lived in a 24/7, self perpetuating emotional flashback but my body also projects visual memories so that I re-experience events.

I also have inner children at different ages who are very potent, very real, and quite confronting. I am quite visual for some reason and can be transported back. Sometimes having an experience like yours has made me extra scared because my inner critic judges it to mean that I am super crazy. But I'm not, we're not. It's normal.

From a therapeutic point of view I think it's really very positive that you felt small because it means that your inner child was active and communicative, and she was paying attention to the therapist which means she will hear any positive messages, and she wants to co-operate with your healing! It's very good that you are able to get so powerfully in touch with an inner child who was frozen in time. It's also very positive that you could reveal and express this in front of another person (therapist). Good signs that your inner selves feel good enough to do that. I see a lot of positives here. Because you can access this stuff, you will be able to grieve it and review it as an adult, over time.
I am quite sure my system would automatically shut down and would not let any of that happen in the presence of another person. I have been powerfully programmed not to express myself in any way ;) and am, ironically, badly triggered when it's time to sit with a therapist and communicate. My whole body thinks death is imminent when I attempt that. So well done you!!

I've never remembered something that I don't believe actually happened though. I'd tend to say don't underestimate someone with BPD  :blink: but even if the memory was symbolic, it's valuable.