My life part 1 - *Possiable trigger*

[kezkel101]

I've always liked the idea of keeping a diary. I find that my thoughts become clearer and I am able to make better sense of things when I write it down. The problem is I find verbalising things even in writing so hard I feel like I am wasting energy doing it and no one reading it. So, I've decided to start a recovery journal I figure it will be like a diary but that people can read. Please feel free to comment or give any insight I find it really useful to hear other people's viewpoints especially people who have been through it.
I've already *hopefully* started my recovery so I thought I'd start with a bit of background.:
At the age of 4 and a half I got taken into care when my step-dad tried to kidnap me. Before this I lived with my step-dad and my mum. I only remember flashes of things that happened before this point. I know that I was emotionally abused and neglected and I remember being constantly scared.  I witnessed lots of drug taking and domestic violence. If I'm honest with myself I have the sense that a lot happened that I am blocking out but I'm not sure what and I'm not sure if I want to know.
After being taken into care I had a string of unsuccessful foster placements during which I was constantly told that I was bad and horrible and was moved for being too naughty. My first long term placement of 3 years was very abusive. I was physically and emotionally abused by the foster career and her two daughters. During this time, I was adopted twice and neither lasted more than two weeks. I also saw 4 different therapists but I never felt able to trust them so made no progress.
I then got moved to my second-long term placement which lasted seven and a half years. This placement was again abusive. I was locked in pitch black rooms for hours at a time, hit and neglected. I started getting into trouble at school all the time and was excluded over 40 times. In the end, I had a breakdown and ended up refusing to get out of bed or go to school for around 6 months. While at this foster career I saw 8 different therapists and these varied from them saying I was a pathological liar (apparently foster careers can't be abusive), to them saying I needed to be moved to a secure unit to one just telling me to give up because I was to damaged to improve. Throughout my time in foster care I had over 20 social workers and all told me that my future involved either getting pregnant young or going to prison so I thinks it's fair to say that I never saw much a future.
After this I got sent to a boarding school Monday – Friday and then went back to the foster careers weekends and holidays. I think it's fair to say that my two and a half years at the school saved me and changed the whole path of my life. Im not ready to write about this yet. But I have posted a recovery letter for anyone who wants to know a bit more. While at school I saw my mum once for the first time since I was four but this is something Ill also save for another post.
6 months into being at the school I got moved from the foster careers into a children's home. It was definitely the best placement I had on the whole the staff where nice. I really struggled with the fact that the ones I liked always left after a few months so I closed myself down emotionally and kept my distance but at least I was not abused. The other children were awful and most of them were violent towards the staff and did drugs but I saw them as family and I hate the fact that I am not in touch with any of them.
When I left school, I hit rock bottom. All the good work went down the drain. I realised that yet again I was back to being unloved, uncared for and alone. I was back to having no future, and what was worst was this time I knew that there was another option. I felt hopeless and ended up trying to kill myself. This led to me getting thrown out of the kids home because they felt that being suicidal made me a danger to the other children. So I got moved to a supported living which is when things went from bad to worse. 
If I'm honest writing this has really tired me out so I am going to leave it there and add part two tomorrow.

[Three Roses]

My heart just aches for that innocent child, tossed from place to place, from person to person, with no one to be kind to her.

You deserved to be cherished, nurtured and treasured. You deserved nourishing food, smiles to greet you, and clean sheets and a comfy bed with someone to gently tuck you in at night.

Instead, like so many of us here, you've seen the other side of human nature. It's hard to trust people when you've seen that; you know how quickly things can change, how fast they can go from bad to worse.

Now that you've got an outlet and compassionate listeners, take your time to tell your story. Remember to stop along the way and take that little hand comfortingly, letting her rest between tellings. Going too fast can cause re-injury, so be careful. We'll be here to listen, encourage and validate you. Big, safe, gentle hugs to you! 

[Dee]

It's so hard to have a life when you start from behind.  Be careful to pace yourself.  We are not going anywhere.  You may find that you have more support here than you ever thought possible.  I know.

I'm glad you found us. 

[RubyCatherine]

My heart is so glad yours is here!