I knew it was coming... **TW**

[texannurse]

So, I finally caved in and cut this morning. The urge had been mounting for days and I couldn't take it anymore. I figured I'd rather do this than the other addictive thoughts running through my head. I am NOT suicidal nor do I intend to do it again, at least not today. It had been 5 months since my last episode. I do not plan to tell my T or my psychiatrist. It will just freak them out. So now I get to deal with the shame and the scars. Way to go. Not a good decision, but now it's my reality.
Texannurse

[sigiriuk]

Hi Texannurse
You were able to share what you did. And I think thats amazing. Many people wouldn't have the courage to open up.
I do not know your T or Psychiatrist, but would they really freak out?
The following observation is coming from a good place in my heart, and not meant as criticism:
It all got too much for you, and you cut, to stop yourself from freaking out - or exploding into a fireball of anxiety? That sounds like Toxic Shame to me - feeling rage and contempt for yourself.

I do the same, but use alcohol or drugs, overeat, or damage my healthy relationships, or sabotage my progress. I am  powerless over my rage.

Hope you will be fine.
Slim

[Dee]

It had been three months for me.  I had used my senses and got past the feelings.  Then, I was overwhelmed by going to court.  I see my therapist tomorrow and I will tell her.  It doesn't help me to keep secrets.  I talked to her on the phone the day after court and told her I had a bad night.  She said to get back to healthy coping, so I assume she knows. 

When I tell her it takes away the power of the secret.  Also, we can go over what led me to that and how I can do it differently in the future.  It also shows her where I am right now so she knows how to proceed.  I am only hurting myself if we don't talk about it.  I'm not protecting her from anything.

I try really hard not to keep anything from her.  I can't always talk about the abuse, but I try to write to her instead.  I can't expect her to help me if she doesn't have the facts.

And my relapse.... it happened, it is what I do now that counts.

[Kat]

I agree with what the others have said about not keeping it secret.  Things only get better once you pull them up into the light of day and take a good look at what's there.

I spent my first year in individual therapy withholding.  At the end of that year I felt like I'd wasted my time and my therapist's time.  I decided to do my very best not to withhold from the next therapist.  I felt like it was the only way to make progress, but at the same time, I felt it was a bit of a test to see what my new therapist was made of.  We've done wonderfully since.  I honestly don't think I'd be as far along in my recovery if I'd held back even the ugliest of stuff--and there's been plenty of really ugly, shameful stuff.  Each time it gets a bit easier.

You used a coping mechanism that has worked for you in the past and still works.  I cut, too.  And, like you, I've gone long periods without.  When it becomes too much and I do it again, I feel the shame and anger at myself.  But I always feel so relieved when, like Dee said, I'm able to go over what led to it and how I can deal differently in the future.  The shame and anger lose their power.

[Lingurine]

  to you texannurse to be so courageous to write about this hard subject. For me it's important to talk about our feelings. It's so important to find and feel everything that's underneath. To heal, to feel human, to cope with whatever hard things in life we have to deal with. I too find that hard and try to cope everyday, we all have different things to work on.

We are together in this and you are stronger than you think.

Lingurine