I want to stop harming myself TW self harm, verbal abuse

[Moose410]

I really want to stop harming myself but it seems like almost every time my husband and I get into an argument or fight I end up doing it. He tries to stop me and literally has to hold me down from punching myself in the head, banging my head against the wall, or punching the wall so hard my arm hurts for days.  I used to cut for years but stopped 6 years ago. There have been other situations that made me feel like wanting to harm myself. It's usually when I feel out of control and someone is upsetting me a lot or triggering past trauma memories.

My husband get's angry and defensive easily and has trouble realizing when he starts yelling or speaking angrily in a tone that is triggering for me. Even after I tell him that he's upsetting me and making me really anxious, he says it's hard for me him to calm down and speak normally. It's very scary for me because it reminds me of how my mom used to treat me and I feel like he doesn't love me when he talks to me like this. Sometimes he doesn't stop yelling or talking angrily/aggressively until I self harm and then he realizes how much he really affected me and immediately stops and holds me and feels really badly. He says he just has trouble controlling his emotions and realizing how he's expressing himself.

I don't know what to do. I want to stop self harming but I never know when I'll be triggered and I'm going through a TON in my life right now already. I have a lot of health problems on top of my PTSD and a family that hasn't been very understanding or helpful. Sometimes I don't consciously think to self harm, it just happens when I dissociate from being triggered. So, I'm not sure how to stop this if I can't entirely control it.

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry to hear how difficult things are for you right now. I have no words of wisdom or insight for you, just a lot of compassion.

You matter, and so does your husband. You don't say whether you are in therapy, singly or as a couple, but maybe it's time to reach out for help. Situations like these tend to get worse over time without treatment.

One agency that will help you and others looking for a trauma T is the Sidran Institute. They will assist you in your search at no cost to you. https://www.sidran.org/help-desk/

We have a list of searchable databases and other info about trauma T's here - http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?board=106.0. 

Please know you are not alone in this. Please keep me updated, I care.