New To OOTS

[KuolleidenMaa]

Hello Everyone,

I am fairly new to OOTS. This will be my first post. I don't really know what I'm doing. Probably because I've kept to myself for 20+ years about my C-PTSD.  Well, I only just got "officially" diagnosed about 4 months ago.  Let's back up.

When I was in elementary and middle school, I was bullied nearly everyday by about 6 or so of my peers. The abuse I survived was mental as well as physical. I didn't ever tell anyone about it. I was too afraid of getting bullied more. 

When I entered high school things took a change almost 180° for me.  I started having a sense that everyone was out to get me. I became very standoffish with nearly everyone I came in contact with. Over those four years I lost nearly all of my friends because I turned into a bully because I felt like it kept me safe.

Just after my 18th birthday, I checked myself into an in-patient mental health hospital wing.  There, I was (wrongly) diagnosed with Intermittent Explosive Disorder and Obessive Compulsive Disorder.  I started taking medication for each and began therapy. 

Now let's fast forward 12 years. I'm now 30, married, and believe it or not, I work in a school. It's a Special Ed school, but a school nonetheless.  About half a year ago I started getting concerned about a recent increase in my agitation. I would get incredibly angry with some of my coworkers and would start disassociating when I hit my boiling point.  I decided to seek out help again and took a battery of various tests including the MMPI-2.  The MMPI revealed that I in fact DO NOT have I.E.D. and probably don't have O.C.D. it was just C-PTSD masking itself as other disorders. Suddenly everything in my life started to make sense. But with that clarity came memories. Memories that I had repressed for 20+ years. I started having periods of disassociation, panic attacks, always feeling like I need to be up against a wall. The memories also brought a level of depression that I've never experienced before.

Now I just sit around all day wondering when I'm going to mentally "check-out". I'm not sleeping well, I'm not eating well, and I took up smoking again. I can feel my life spiraling out of control and despite the wonderful support system I have from my family, friends, and my wife (oh, and my therapist, but that's her job).  I just don't care about much anymore. I just want to be left alone to stare blankly into space all day. I don't know how to get out of that funk.

For what I thought could potentially be cathartic, I posted an open letter to my bullies on Facebook yesterday. I got a lot of sympathy, some from people I haven't talked to since I was a kid.  The sympathy felt good, but I've gotten no contact from my bullies. I want them to read the letter. I want them to apologize. I want to move on. I know I'm not ready to forgive, but getting some acknowledgement of wrongdoing would be a good start I think.  But instead I feel as though I weigh 1200 pounds and I'm climbing a staircase that never ends.  The letter didn't help me the way I wanted it to.

Which returns us to why I'm here. I just need to know that I'm not alone. I just need to know that someone's been where I am and has overcome it. I'm so sick of the misanthropy and anger. But it's all I know. And I don't know how to change it. Therapy helps, but it is clear that my therapist can't fully relate to me.  I feel like no one can.

Anyway. This has gotten way too long and I doubt anyone is still reading. If you've gotten this far, thank you. I don't really know what I'm going to get out of OOTS. But it's probably a better option than sleeping my life away.

[Three Roses]

I am very moved by your post. I underwent severe abuse at home, physical and emotional, bullied at school - the first adult I felt liked me was my fourth grade teacher. When I hit high school I turned to drugs and ran with a rough crowd. I managed to keep just about everyone at bay and was adept enough at pretending to be normal most of the time.

I got married, had kids, had trouble getting along with my husband and others, lost friends, went from job to job, all the while experiencing crushing low self esteem.

Now I'm 60ish, and within the past few years have remembered some major events that I had stuffed under the surface. And now I have to deal with it.

So for the first time I've reached out for help not to be justified, but to listen and grow. My therapist is really helping.

Someday CPTSD will make it into the DSM as a disorder, not dependent on the umbrella of PTSD. I hope you really dig into this, educate yourself, post here, ask questions, and jump into threads to make comments.

Two books that helped me immensely are "The Body Keeps The Score" and "CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving". Highly recommend both of them to you. Thanks for joining.

[KuolleidenMaa]

Thanks for the book suggestions. I'm not reading anything at the moment so I will definitely be checking my local library for both of those tomorrow.

[Candid]

I just need to know that I'm not alone. I just need to know that someone's been where I am and has overcome it. I'm so sick of the misanthropy and anger. But it's all I know. And I don't know how to change it. Therapy helps, but it is clear that my therapist can't fully relate to me.  I feel like no one can.

You're not alone on our forum, KuolleidenMaa.  We've all been to places similar to where you've been, and are in the process of overcoming it. Two steps forward and one back is how it feels to me.  Misanthropy and anger come from the same source: we never learned to defend ourselves because we were led to believe we have no rights. As you say. it's all we know ... until we start to question why we think about ourselves the way we do. Being misdiagnosed is horrible and nearly always stigmatizing. Then we get given the wrong pills, plus 'therapy' (based on the label) that invariably affects self-image. More to be angry about.

I'm sorry your current therapist doesn't 'get' it. I know how frustrating and exhausting that is, having to halt our narrative to check we're being understood, and finding that we aren't. Depending on how off-the-mark the therapist is, it can be a costly waste of money.

I think you'll find you're understood here, and that it makes a world of difference. You've taken a great step by signing up, and I'm very glad you found us.