Let Me Introduce Myself

[purejoi]

Hi,

I'm a 23 year old survivor of all forms of child abuse.  My parents divorced when I was 2 and my childhood was split between houses, but mainly with my mom and brother who is 5 years older than me.  My brother had intense anger issues due to the divorce and a learning challenge and he took that out on me through a lot of physical and emotional/verbal abuse.  My mom and dad both have a lot of guilt and protection of my brother because of his learning challenges, so my mom would find excuses to not punish him.  "You retaliated, so I can't punish him."  "You shouldn't have gotten in his way or acted smarter than him." etc.  My mom also has schizotypal personality disorder (a high functioning disorder on the schizophrenia spectrum), so she has trouble with emotions and she used to have delusions and hallucinations as I was growing up.  My mom didn't know how to express emotions with me or handle mine, so she and my brother would always tell me I was too sensitive, selfish, whiny, etc.  With my mom's mental challenges and need to work 4 jobs to keep food on the table, my brother really started to act as a head of the house.  My mom wasn't really around enough to act as our parent and really didn't know how to control him because she's a very passive person who has handled a lot of mental abuse herself, so she allowed him a lot of control that he took advantage of and still does to this day.  When I would stay at my dad's house, I had to deal with his sexually inappropriate comments and behavior, alcoholism, and verbal/mental abuse.  I also had two step-sisters around my age who found any excuse to taunt and bully me as well.  My coping mechanism as a child was emotional eating, so I have always been overweight.

I have 2 other older siblings, but they were both nearly out of the house and handling their own things. I'm close to my brother who is 13 years older than me, but have only recently been open to him about the extent of my trauma.  He is understanding, but he doesn't really know how to help me or talk to me about it.  I don't feel comfortable talking to my sister about it because I feel like she will tell me I'm exaggerating or making something out of nothing.  I've been silenced for so long that that is my go-to expectation. 

In recent years, my mom and I have been able to bond and fix some of our broken attachment.  Her mental challenges have improved extensively in the last few years and she has really started to empathize and recognize how bad things were for me.  I don't think she can fully see it all because that would take a lot, but she recognizes more than I could have hoped for years ago when I felt like I had no one.  She still tries to make excuses for others and feels that they can't change, so we just have to get over it or learn to live with it, but she also listens to my side and commiserates with me.

My undergrad and masters degree are both in psychology, so I've been able to do a lot for myself in regards to learning coping mechanisms, identifying my trauma and symptoms, and recognizing what I need to work on, but I've unfortunately never had the resources to seek therapeutic help.  My family is low class and I currently work for the Peace Corps in Botswana, so I have no money of my own.  I'm hoping to find a therapist when I return to WA in October.  Which brings me to the reason I sought out this group.

During my 2 years here in Botswana, I've been trying to grow and heal as much as possible and I feel like I've made some amazing changes.  However, I recently found out that I may have a tumor in my leg and might have to return to living with my mom while I recover from surgery.  This wouldn't be much of a problem except that my abusive brother lives on my mom's property with his family.  Since he's extremely controlling he has already told me that if this isn't a tumor, I can only live with my mom for 2 weeks because "they can't afford to support me longer than that."  If it is a tumor, he and his wife will be in charge of caring for me while my mom is at work.  I'll be unable to walk or even go to the bathroom by myself, so this will mean relinquishing all of my independence to him.  This terrifies me so much.  I'm petrified that I'm going back into an abusive situation and I won't have any freedom or refuge from it.  I'm so scared that I will lose all of my progress and go back to being an emotionally walled up person who can't find true intimacy or secure attachment with anyone.  I have two friends, in a sea of friendly acquaintances, that I feel like I can talk to about most things, but they both seem unable to understand the level of terror I have over this situation.  My one friend even said that maybe this would help me lose weight because my brother will be so controlling over my food.  This is true, but that statement made me feel like she wasn't recognizing the extent of how harmful that is.  I don't feel like I can really talk to either of them about it fully and my mom is too close to the situation, so it's hard to talk to her as well.  I'm feeling isolated and without support again which is so triggering for me.  So I decided to look for a group and I'm very happy I found you all.  I really just want to not feel so alone.  I never feel like I can be truly open about my past that is still so greatly affecting my present because I don't want to be a needy burden to others, but I also recognize that I need support.  If I'm going to manage to maintain my healing and evolution that I've made in the past couple of years, I'm going to need to be able to talk to others about what is going on. 

I hope this wasn't too long.  I tend to over explain because I'm worried about being misunderstood.  Thanks for reading. 

[Three Roses]

Hi there, welcome to OOTS! You've found a great group of people who do our best to support and encourage others, while learning how to overcome it challenges.

I really identified with your situation - my older brother (about 5 years older) was abusive to me, and my dad, also my mom to a lesser degree. My parents never divorced and mom was firmly in dad's camp.

I'm always so happy to see younger people opening up and coming to terms with CPTSD, as I'm in my early 60's and pretty new to it. Life would have been easier had I known about this decades ago.

Thanks for joining!