Time I got my act together...

[Blueberry]

Yes, it's time I got my act together and work more on improving my employment status. Earn more money. Spend some time (and money) on improving some skills, especially computer, also on improving my professional image. In addition, contacting a few people I've been intending to for a number of months now, and then don't because I don't feel ready. But I know that when I've had an idea of doing something, and then draw back for too long, it makes me depressed. Not good.

So I'm just giving myself a little reminder here.

[Three Roses]

 

[Blueberry]

Didn't exactly work out though. Lay in bed all day reading and dozing. Didn't even make it to the cheaper stores before they closed. "Get my act together" is a bit too vague. I need to give myself concrete steps. In fact, before I give myself concrete steps in the Employment sections, I need concrete steps in general life. Ones that I'll do too otherwise I'll end up feeling more and more depressed and useless.

[Blueberry]

Therapy helped me a lot today. We looked at what has been hindering me from moving forward. This afternoon I finally wrote two emails to contact two different people on ways of moving forward. I've been putting this off for 2-3 months. Now I've finally done it. A little frightening - I've shut down my email - don't expect an answer today anyway. Generally it feels really good that I've done it.

My T helped me to see all sorts of stuff today, but I've blanked it out of my head again. It will probably come back. But best of all I've done these steps. Right away that helps me be less destructive.

[Three Roses]

When I'm having trouble being motivated to do something, sometimes it helps me to have a short list where I can see it. My friend introduced me to these markers that write on glass, and just wipe off with a damp cloth. If I write myself a reminder or motivational note on my bathroom mirror, it's there to remind me throughout the day.

[sanmagic7]

hey, blueberry, you did it, you took some action, you took some steps that you wanted to do to move yourself forward.  they count.  kudos to you.  yes, it can take a lot of energy, and you deserve some rest.  i think you did good, my dear.  big hug full of congratulations to you.

[Dee]

Babysteps, not everything needs to happen in one day.

[Blueberry]

Thanks everybody! One email has paid off already! Got a reply this morning. The person in question not just prepared to give me some coaching by phone, but also free!! I did offer to pay. So tomorrow I'll get some questions answered, will be better able to see my way forwards a bit.   

[Three Roses]

 

[Hope66]

   Brilliant, Blueberry - really glad.   

[Blueberry]

Also today, 2 more people interested in lessons. One only vaguely interested, but the other definite, coming Friday.

[Dee]

Yay!!!   

[Blueberry]

On Thursday in T it became clear to me why the professional work I'm basically taking a break from is so, so, so difficult for me. When I achieve clarity of that type it helps me forgive myself for not being able to do whatever it is.

It also became clear to me that it is just too early for me to be trying to get a part-time job of any type, even the 'simplest' of things. I did have some ideas in mind, both of which would mean I would have to give up my freelance work cuz could never manage both energy-wise. But I hadn't been getting on with looking into them either, for which there is a reason! Not 'just procrastination'. No. It's too early. Not enough healing accomplished in the area of emotional / psychological abuse. That's been the type that is hardest to pinpoint, hardest to find any words for, hardest to even contemplate for myself. Cuz it means accepting things about FOO and particularly my parents that I didn't want to accept. And it means going through heart-rending pain.

So it's not time I got my act together. 'Getting my act together' sounds very much like a 'should' statement anyway, and they aren't good for me.

[Three Roses]

Good realizations! 

[Blueberry]

It also became clear to me that it is just too early for me to be trying to get a part-time job of any type, even the 'simplest' of things. I did have some ideas in mind, both of which would mean I would have to give up my freelance work cuz could never manage both energy-wise. But I hadn't been getting on with looking into them either, for which there is a reason! Not 'just procrastination'. No. It's too early. Not enough healing accomplished in the area of emotional / psychological abuse.

Famous last words 

That was just 3 months ago and now I do have a little job where I'm employed, in addition to my freelance work.    It's one of these 'simplest of things' and 1-2 times a week. Today was my second day. I feel I'm doing quite well.

My employers (husband and wife) are apparently pretty stressed. Today they had a shouting match with each other and there was some crashing and banging of objects too. There are some pretty loud machines  and the two of them maybe thought I couldn't hear them, or were so stressed out they didn't care  but anyway I wasn't bothered at all, no EF or even worried. I just kept working and eventually they seemed to calm down again.

Later the wife came and told me to not work with such attention to detail. A bit tricky because the work I'm doing has been neglected for weeks (??) months (??) and there's just so much of it everywhere, in all sorts of corners, crevices etc. I'm doing heavy-duty dusting and sweeping. I questioned her opinion (oops), but then continued working, trying to go faster and leave out some of the corners. I'd offered to work Friday too, and when I was leaving I wondered if she still wanted me to work (with me questioning her and working slowly), but she does. NTS: try not to question your boss!