Today is the Anniversary of My Father's Death

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movementforthebetter

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Today is the Anniversary of My Father's Death
« on: August 15, 2017, 08:12:41 AM »
So today is the 9th anniversary of my father's death. I've booked the day off work for a change. Decided some self care and gentleness was in order.

He was an alcoholic in my younger years, abandoned us, fought my mother for over a decade, put us in the middle, and eventually tried to "make it right",  but I never fully accepted this and he died suddenly before I ever let him into my life in a meaningful way.

I love him and resent him. I was afraid of him and could never trust him. He was never the father I needed, just the one I had. In the past I excused him because he had tried to make amends. But this year I am more in touch with my anger. He was as toxic and damaging to me as my mother. Because of his choices I have to be my own parents now as an adult.

Despite all that I know he tried, did his best, came from an abusive childhood himself,  etc. He just should never have been with my mother.

The lead up to today was hard. I start being keenly aware the day is coming up about a month in advance. And in a month is his birthday. So the tail end of summer has become pretty melancholy for me.

Not sure yet what I'll do today. Maybe nothing special. Just things that are good for me and honour the memories and feelings I have.

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radical

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Re: Today is the Anniversary of My Father's Death
« Reply #1 on: August 15, 2017, 08:31:04 AM »
I want to acknowledge you feelings and offer my respect.

I'm very glad you are  taking time out and honouring your feelings and memories.  I know that melancholy of the end of summer and can see how it could connect to this loss.

Sending love.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Today is the Anniversary of My Father's Death
« Reply #2 on: August 15, 2017, 02:57:44 PM »
mftb, i'm with you during this time amid all the feelings/emotions/memories it brings.  i'm very glad for you that you've decided on self-care and gentleness today.  sounds like a very nurturing idea.  big hug.

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Three Roses

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Re: Today is the Anniversary of My Father's Death
« Reply #3 on: August 15, 2017, 06:22:37 PM »
Hugs to you, mftb. I know with me there's grief not only at the loss that comes with death, but also the grief of knowing I'll never be able to have a functional relationship with him. Hang in there, we're with you.  :hug:

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Dee

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Re: Today is the Anniversary of My Father's Death
« Reply #4 on: August 15, 2017, 06:51:47 PM »
 :hug:

I'm glad you are thinking of self care today.

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movementforthebetter

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Re: Today is the Anniversary of My Father's Death
« Reply #5 on: August 15, 2017, 08:06:30 PM »
Thank you, all. I went and got a coffee, did banking, watched dogs play in a park. Now I'm doing housework, thinking about the future, and actively acknowledging my feelings and thoughts without giving into them. It turns out to be a lot of work for a day off.



I'm trying to remember the beauty and wonder in life. I feel this past year in particular that I've really lost that and I always thought it was a big part of who I am. That was one of the good things my father did. He fostered that in me for the most part. And although I was struggling before, too, I see the day he died as a day that changed my personality, maybe permanently. I think that loss has made me more fearful. Certainly more aware of my own mortality.

After he died, I have had brief spells within the grief of an incredible determination to live a life of less suffering and more active choices. It's been a long road, with lots of setbacks. But bit by bit I have been doing it. I just wish I could capture that feeling again, or a lower level of it, more consistently.  It was the most positively motivating force in my life. It made me go back to school and eventually leave my relationship. It's sad that it took his death to bring it out in me and I feel self-conscious about it. And that this year my sadness is more about me than him. But it is what it is.