Feeling lost.

[Gwendolyn]

Hello.
I feel like I was doing so well with my recovery. After a very long time, I was starting to feel better, learning to love myself and learn new things about myself. 
I had an incident at work which triggered an EF and since then I can't seem to shake off the feelings. It's like I'm stuck in a hole and I can't get out. Nightmares nearly every night. I don't want to sleep because I don't know if I'll have a night of peace. My night thoughts get to me. I constantly think of all the "what-ifs"....what if i spoke up about the neglect and abuse as a child...who would I be today? Where would I be? It makes me feel lost...
I tried doing a guided meditation to heal your inner child but I started crying so hard it hurt and I had to stop.
It's like I take a step forward and I am happy and I get thrown 10 feet back.

I just want to be okay again.

[woodsgnome]

I'm sure others would join me in saying how familiar your story is.

It's why I'm up at this wee hour. Peaceful outside, roiling inside...almost my normal, but I gave up trying to define normal some while back.

Even calling any of this recovery (although I too was sure I'd progressed, then fell off the cliff again) is a bit tricky--my earliest memories involve many of the sad themes that appear on this forum, and so what would I be recovering?

So maybe it's just all new life; many would like to be young again--well, with this it's almost an invitation to be so...except it's not, it's just all too confusing, maddening, sickening, like we have to make up these fictions of self-improvement just to feel human. That's truly awful, yet here we are. And yet...

Something you said connected with what I'm calling my attitude adjustment, and that's helped a bit. Your last sentence reminded me of this when you said: "I just want to be okay again."

At the risk of sounding really off-the-wall or unrealistic, what's helped me is just to know in my heart of hearts that I've always been okay. Despite all that happened, all the stuff that keeps me up like tonight, all the scars that at least show that I survived--I do know deep down that I'm okay, that none of this was my fault, that despite all the bitterness and tears I am not only okay, but always was. Sure I feel like I failed where others seemed to waltz through life...but I'm still okay, maybe more than okay, because I know myself better. I don't fully understand the what or why of any of what happened; never really want to know, besides it's impossible to comprehend. Hurts; but I'm still okay.

Only in the last year or so has this realization of okayness solidified to where I know it's my reality, that I can still survive. Sometimes my resolve to remember my okayness fades, but somehow it returns, and is my last hope--to persevere in believing that I'm really okay. Even if it takes a million tears, that's okay too. Yes, of course I yearn for the 'normal' life, but I'll take okayness and go from there.

Despite the bad times, YOU are more than okay; always have been!

[Lingurine]

Hi Gwendolyn, and a very warm welcome to you 
I hear you about falling back into the midst of despair and trying to stay calm while that happens. To try and bring yourself back to reality, because, like woodsgnome writes, we were all okay before this happened. We still are. Our brains messes with our minds sometimes, dance around together, trying to confuse us.
So let's stay calm and wait this out. In the meantime: take good care of yourself.

Lingurine

[Dee]

There are bound to be setbacks in recovery and life.  You were feeling better once, you can feel better again.  I know that is easier said than done.  I had a very triggering incident a few weeks ago and I was sure I would never feel better again; but I am feeling better now.  It was a set-back, but it didn't finish me.

My sister and I had a conversation about how much different our lives would have been if we had a different mother or even one we could of talked to.  One that would of protected me.  I often think of what-ifs.  The truth is it isn't, so the what-if game only hurts.  I try to think about what I can do and what it can be from this point forward.

I think you will find support here in your difficult time.

[Gwendolyn]

Thank you for your replies. I have had the last few days off of work so I have taken the time to take care of myself.  I took what woodsgnome stated and thought on it. I am okay.  I've made it this far! Much love to you all <3

[Kat]

Cheers to surviving and to survivors!  We're beautifully damaged people, but that's what makes us special. 

Woodsgnome, your words are very profound and quite moving.  I know this "okayness" of which you speak.  At least, I get glimpses of it...

[Candid]

I'll join the woodsgnome admirers.  It's a key issue, this matter of whether we're okay or not-okay.

I'm okay, too.  The fact that I can (easily) conceive of better than this is a blessing one day, a grief-and-rage-inducing curse the next.  The great thing is I know everyone here will understand that.

Hugs to all.

[sanmagic7]

gwen, i go through periods of feeling lost as well.  seeming to be strong, stable, moving thru life, then i just lose that, almost as if i lose myself for a bit.  it always comes back, but while in the midst of it, it's confusing and disheartening.

i do know they come and go, but it's sometimes difficult to remember that when in the midst of it.  yours will pass - they all do.  just a reminder.  big hug to you filled with the compass you need to find your way back.

[habitude]

Chiming in a little late, to say that I have these experiences too. Often associated with something obviously stressful or triggering but not always. When it doesn't seem to be associated with anything it takes me a lot longer to realize 'ok, I know what this is, I'm feeling things that are normal for a CPTSD survivor and it will pass' - sometimes it takes until the feeling has already passed to realize just what that was.

Hugs to all.