I moved. . . I'm not okay. . .

[ElizabethGenevieve]

So I moved out of my toxic family in July. I still can't believe I did it. A year ago that scared me more than anything on this earth. But I guess pain and insanity eventually pushes a person to the point where they need to leave so their brain goes 3rd person just long enough so they can get out. But anywho... I did it and I'm so glad I did.

That being said I'm dealing with a ton of mental and emotional crap that I hoped would go away when I left. I think I can honestly say I have forgiven my family and am moving on. It's still tough when I see them once in awhile but when I'm not around them, or when they aren't constantly texting me, I can almost forget about them in a healthy way and live my own life. But my nightmares are ongoing. I've found some stuff that helps a little, if I stay up past midnight exhausting myself with Netflix bingeing and exercise, and get up before 8, I usually don't get into a sound enough sleep to have the worst kinds of dreams. But I guess that's not really healthy either. And the emotional pain... holy freaking * I do not understand what is wrong with me. I can be halfway fine at work and then when I'm home alone or driving alone or anywhere alone it hits me, sometimes suddenly and other times it creeps up on me as a dull ache of the chest, growing to an unbearable soul-wrenching agony. And I'm not a drama queen I promise. I can't figure out where it's coming from or what I'm doing wrong. I feel like it's out of my control completely which makes it so much worse. I don't want to go on meds or see a therapist really. Talking to a friend helps a lot but it is still an ongoing problem. I hope it passes with time.

[Kat]

It would have never occurred to me to think of you as a drama queen.  And, you are not doing anything wrong.  It's in that silent alone-ness that the crap from our pasts creeps up to make itself known. 

It does take a lot of courage to say "enough" and move on.  Congratulations on that.  You seem quite self-aware...that's awesome.  Keep posting.  We're happy you're here. 

[Combine59]

Just here in the same boat with you. The quietness is hard to deal with, and I have a therapist too. I really like therapy and her guidance has been invaluable, but still it's there. The ache that turns into agony. Even my husband can't do much to ease it, and I have to feel it and let it pass. I hate doing it, but it's the only way to make it go away. Vacations and quiet times are so exhausting.

[Candid]

when I'm not around them, or when they aren't constantly texting me, I can almost forget about them in a healthy way and live my own life. But my nightmares are ongoing. [...] And the emotional pain... holy freaking * I do not understand what is wrong with me. I can be halfway fine at work and then when I'm home alone or driving alone or anywhere alone it hits me, sometimes suddenly and other times it creeps up on me as a dull ache of the chest, growing to an unbearable soul-wrenching agony.

This is very familiar to me, too.  For many of us, the double-whammy of CPTSD is that we're automatically self-isolating, AND anxious whenever we're alone. 

As woodsgnome has written on another thread, there is nothing wrong with you.  You're having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.  It is abnormal for a FOO to be abusive to rather than supportive of any of its members.

if I stay up past midnight exhausting myself with Netflix bingeing and exercise, and get up before 8, I usually don't get into a sound enough sleep to have the worst kinds of dreams. But I guess that's not really healthy either.

No, it's not healthy at all, EG.   Even the merriest of non-CPTSD sufferers are off their game when they've had just one late night.  A chronic sleep debt can alter personality.  It takes a lot of energy to hold down the grief and anger that can't be expressed at the people who caused it.  When we're exhausted beyond exhaustion, up it comes.  Sleep deprivation is now the method of choice in places where they still use torture.

I once lay awake all night in a noisy emergency room waiting for the psychiatrist to come on at 9am.  So there I was, wild-eyed and dishevelled; the reason I'd called the ambulance was I hadn't slept for several nights on the trot. And there he was, well rested, breakfast and shower, nice clean white shirt.

I was eyes downcast, struggling to remember my own name as my thoughts (and spoken words) scattered in every direction... until he asked: Why do you think you were the family scapegoat?

Next minute he'd grabbed my arm and was hustling me to the door, saying: "We need to do something about you, because you CAN behave like a lady, and then you start shouting for no reason."  Shoved me into the corridor, shut the door hard.  NEXT PATIENT!  I didn't have my bike so I walked all the way home in tropical heat, sitting down whenever I reached a bit of shade.

Follow-up?  Zero.  It got in my medical notes that I'd attended, though -- and that's just the part they let me know about. 

I'm sorry I have no answers for you, EG.  I wanted to reply to you before, but the forum timer shows I was looking at your post long after midnight my time...

[sanmagic7]

you made an awfully big move, which means a tremendously huge change for your life.  personally, i think it's quite natural to be going thru what you're going thru.  it sounds to me like both your brain and mind are reacting to finally being out of harm's way.

that takes a big adjustment, and time.  please be patient with yourself.  when you're busy, you're distracted and can ignore the enormity of the step you've taken.  during those alone times, it's simply rushing in on you because there's nothing else to occupy your mind at the moment.

would it help if you would face this instead of attempting to run away from it?  perhaps, writing a list of what caused you to move out, seeing in black and white this gigantic step of self-care you've embarked upon?   that's how i see this move you made - a loving, nurturing giant step of caring enough about yourself to leave a situation that was anything but.

you probably need to cry, need to grieve.  it's a big loss you're experiencing at the same time that it's a big gain.   all change is like that.   it might be painful, but those tears can release a lot of the pain that you've been carrying, a lot of the stress that you've endured and bottled up inside you.

eg, i'm sending a big hug full of soothing, calming balm that will strengthen you  as you go thru the grieving process - in your own time, when you're ready. 

[ElizabethGenevieve]

Thank you everyone, your support means a lot. I just feel so insane sometimes but I guess it is a normal response to an abnormal situation. <3

Just out of curiosity, has anyone who is as sleep deprived as I am ever had any serious physical harm come of it? Because I honestly cannot go to sleep at a decent time when the emotional pain gets so bad. I mean I can try to fall asleep but the pain is 10x worse and turns into awful dreams if I don't release it a little somehow before bed. And that usually takes hours. Which I know isn't healthy (and wow Candid I hadn't realized how much it impacts me but now that you mention it it really does). But am I really doing that much damage? I don't know how else to handle the chaos in my head. I feel like if I didn't stay up really late listening to music and exercising hard I would end up self-harming.

*Trigger Warning* Honestly I'm ashamed to admit it but when I get to a certain place mentally I have this overwhelming urge to physically hurt myself. I've only cut or hit myself a couple times, and I guess that's why exercise helps so much. It exhausts me but it also physically hurts enough to relieve the emotional pain without causing physical damage. I feel horrible about that because I never thought I'd be an emo cutter or anything but it is a very real struggle. (*hugs* to anyone who deals with self-harm by the way, that * is real.) I mean even though I'm not actively harming myself I almost constantly feel like I should be.

But anyways how am I supposed to just quietly go to bed at a decent time when everything in me wants to hurt myself or die?

[Blueberry]

But anyways how am I supposed to just quietly go to bed at a decent time when everything in me wants to hurt myself or die?

I honestly don't know. But I'm listening and standing with you, if it helps.

Sometimes I stay up half the night too, though for somewhat different reasons, albeit CPTSD-related.
I physically self-harm in a different way, so I can relate a bit.

It is good to see you back on here, even if the reason is a difficult one for you.

[ElizabethGenevieve]

Blueberry - It does help, thank you <3 Sorry you relate but it's kinda nice not to be the only one.

[Three Roses]

  to all of us who can't sleep thru the night

[Candid]

I mean even though I'm not actively harming myself I almost constantly feel like I should be.

But anyways how am I supposed to just quietly go to bed at a decent time when everything in me wants to hurt myself or die

It's not everything in you; it's gotta be less than 50 per cent, if you get my logic.

Depending on where you are, you could call Lifeline or the Samaritans when evenings are rough.  They might have a suggestion about someplace near to you where you can get sleep therapy.  I'm on a waiting list for that myself, and I gather it isn't just the list of sleep hygiene methods we've all seen a thousand times.

For people with CPTSD it isn't a matter of relaxing every muscle in your body.  If your head's spinning like a top, nothing will get you off.

I'm having some success with processing grief on my own.  Processing rage, for me, is a whole nother ballgame.  I can think of sad parts of my history, have a good howl, and feel some relief.  Thinking of the monstrous unfairness I took from my FOO -- which has spiralled out via the extended family even though (because?) FOO no longer speak to me -- is disastrous last thing at night.

[Wife#2]

 I know I'm a little late to the thread, I've been away a bit doing some of my own processing.

Having lived alone after escaping a harmful situation, I can say that it is very hard at first. But, you deserve to give yourself the gift of good sleep. It really is healing, and it's opposite is harmful to your body AND mind.

**** TRIGGER WARNING - SUICIDAL IDEATION MENTIONED ****
I took a three pronged approach to battling my loneliness and insomnia. First was therapy. That was kind of required because of the hospitalization after suicidal ideation. That was fine with me. I knew I didn't really want to harm myself, I just needed the pain to end and the sleep to come and the situation to stop haunting me.

So, first was therapy. I did begin sleeping better, whether because of the sleeping pills or because of the chance to finally voice my pain after years silent. After about three months, I was able to stop the sleeping pills. I kept up the therapy, though.

Second was journaling. And speaking my truth. I was still not completely OUT of the situation, still working with my abuser. But, I was able to realize that my secrecy was his strength. If I told and made it clear that I was NOT going to remain silent, I could let loose more of the poison in my mind that was keeping me awake. Friends were especially helpful. They would listen even if it was the 10th time I told that part of the story - their patience made my life bearable at that time.

The third approach was to reach out when I was feeling overwhelmed. To family, to friends, to hotline numbers (only the helpful stuff, no 900 stuff). And websites where I could always find someone willing to chat. At that point, I was beyond needing to talk about the situation (I've had several, but this one situation really almost ended me). And, when I met, then married my now husband, I was able to feel safe with his arms around me.

When the business owner saw fit to fire me instead of the abuser, I was already married and feeling very much stronger. And I was sleeping. My moving on from that situation was the best thing that has happened to me. I still must avoid that part of town (the office and where the abuser lived) for my own well-being. A small price to pay for my rest and recuperation.

If any of this helped, I'm glad. If not, I'm sorry I wasted your time. But, at least you know it's normal to loose sleep and have periods of time when coping is so much harder. I think of it like a tide. High tide, you're all stirred up and struggling. Low tide, the junk is revealed, the water is manageably low and you gain some control over your life again. Yes, high tide will come again, but you'll be better equipped each time when you take care of yourself during the low tide seasons.

[ElizabethGenevieve]

I know I'm a little late to the thread, I've been away a bit doing some of my own processing.

Wife #2, just reading this now. That was all helpful. Thank you for sharing. It's good to know someone found something that helped them heal some.