Frightened of abandoning myself

[sigiriuk]

Hi there
I have this terrible fear of abandoning myself. I know it doesn't really make sense.
It might be a memory of abandoning/losing myself when traumas occurred, ie a memory of dissociation.
In fact this fear happens every time something I think I am going to get awful news.
Or if I try to function in life.
This post doesn't make much sense, I know, and am a bit embarrassed about it..but you guys always understand!
Slim

[woodsgnome]

Fear of abandonment, even by one's self, makes total sense. Because, having been in that void before, it's too scary to think of having to fall through the cracks again. But is seems likely when no one is there for you. Then the self-doubts can make a mess of what you thought was left. One can spend years in self-repair and recovery and just when they think they've arrived at a safe landing spot, the bottom gives way yet again.

It's almost a daily occurrence with me; I fear abandonment, and yet I'm also people-phobic wherein I see everyone as a potential threat to harm and/or abandon me. Putting myself into the everyone category seems like the next awful step, and once I reach the level of spooking out my own self, it's like climbing a rickety ladder, reaching down with my foot--and nothing's there; all security gone.

It helps to have a spiritual side, maybe. One where you notice that you have a higher power of some sort. You don't need religious language to feel this; at least that's been my take on it--my best security blanket emerged from an inner Self of sorts. Once all the rest of it was removed, there at least was this something that seemed different.

Where it was from or what to call it seemed irrelevant; it was in defiance of all that I had thought before. I just knew it was going to, and has been, that final backup, when I feared the self-abandonment you speak of. It was real, that abandonment, but so was the inner strength.

How to find it? It's not even an inner self, it's just there. Perhaps that's what's called faith--not a belief, more of a mysterious knowing? Don't know; don't want to make this sound like all the silly holy talk I despised when young, when all my abusers hid behind that sort of language. The only 'how' might be just noticing that the sense of that something inside has always risen out of the ashes; even when I've felt lost in self-abandonment.

Sorry for the ramble, and it's just my lonely perspective anyway. I think what follows now is more of what you really need, Slim, and deserve...

                                                 

[sigiriuk]

Thanks Woodsgnome. That was an AMAZING hug! Your post has helped me validate my own feelings.
Slim

[JamesG]

totally get that Slim. I'm fighting dissociation big time at the moment. Soon as I get any steam up, I hit a bump, I stress, and down come the shutters. But it's normal, we have to remember that, it's like a scar on a wound, it won't drop off til it's done its job. Pick at it and you'll make it worse. The symptoms you have are your brain testing the area around you, looking for threats and preparing a defence, it's a siege, C-PTSD is very siege like, the fighting is over, but they'll have to prize the gun out of your hand. But that's the thing, the siege IS over. You won't move out til you are sure, so your brain is testing the signals to make sure you are safe. Your brain is on your side. I've been very lucky to have met someone who has been down this road and she's taught me a huge amount, the biggest thing is that you mustn't be scared of your mind, it's doing it's job,  there's nothing wrong with YOU, there was a lot wrong with the road that brought you here. It's an important distinction, you are not mad, crazy, nuts or anything like that, you are healing. Give your mind a chance to do what it is trying to do and find peace in that.

[movementforthebetter]

The replies here are so positive and validating! I don't have anything to add, myself, but am sending you well wishes, Slim.