Hi all, bit of a ramble post here. Not sure if anyone can relate.
Since last night I have been in a pretty anxious state. I can't focus on much visually or mentally beyond what I absolutely need to get done. (that's been the case off and on, more on than off, for months).
Basically my amygdala seems to be hijacked today. My breathing is irregular and shallow if I don't focus on it. My tension in my jaw has sky-rocketed. My tinnitus is really loud due to my jaw. I feel on the verge of a panic attack or tears, depending on what time of day it is. I have a lump in my throat that makes swallowing into awkward gulps. I've been trying to stretch out or massage the tension out but my muscles are hard as rocks and any effort strong enough to break them up is excruciating and only seems to make things worse. Last night I listened to my bedtime music and added binaural beats for relaxation. It seems the "relaxing" unleashed all of my inner child's fears and here I am today, an I explicably frightened, frozen adult.
I've been feeling that my inner child is a lot closer to the surface lately. I don't know what to do about this because I have to continue doing adult things, and trying to placate or tell my inner child "later", much like a real child, seems to throw me into a real state.
This all seems to be separate from an EF because I feel aware for the most part, unless I fall into some obsessive dissociation, which I have a few times over the last week. At those times it's like I'm in a trance. Right now I know what I'm doing or not doing, what my body is telling me, and what I want.
It occurs to me that psychological healing can only take a person so far. The inner child needs loving touch as much as kind affirmation to feel secure.
I had my happiest moment in what felt like years last week. After a night of nightmares and horrid insomnia, I had the blankets over my head, not wanting to get up in the morning. It was then that my boyfriend, who had stayed over the previous night, sat on the bed beside me, held me, and said something simple to the effect of "good morning, darling". Every part of me responded positively to this and it instantly lifted my mood, just being cuddled. It's very much like how my parents would wake me up In their better moments.
I just now cried at the memory of this. So much mixed pain and happiness contained in an instant. I'm pretty sure my inner child is crying out for loving touch these days, and is taking me over so I can't ignore this. But I am alone most of the time and can't afford massage. Can't really relax with massage either, it's too impersonal. So I need to find ways to improvise.
The little cry did me some good. I think I might have actually identified the reason for the hijacking. A little less tense, breathing better. Lump still in throat but I've made a little progress through exploring this in writing.
