Going No Contact After Being Disowned

[finallyfree]

I have gone NC for the last year after being disowned by my FOO. I have been their scapegoat and their dumping ground for all of their problems and abusive behavior my entire life. I am 51 years old now. I stuffed down and ignored my childhood and this event of my being disowned and scapegoated again for something that my GC sibling did completely traumatized me and brought my entire awful childhood memories back to me. I have spent the last year analyzing and dissecting all of it in order to put it in perspective and absorb and come to terms with it all. It has been a real eye opener. I always knew there was something wrong with both of my parents and it was painfully obvious the way they unequally parented all 6 of us. Based on the fact that I am smart, strong and emotionally intelligent, I was made their scapegoat. The day I was disowned, I still attempted to apologize for absolutely nothing just so my alcoholic, codependent father would not be as upset and angry as he was? How crazy is that? I have a clear conscience in all of it. My older GC sister started a physical altercation at her home, while I was at the emergency room with both of our 77, and 84 year old parents. This altercation ended up without my knowledge or permission at my home? When I left the ICU at 10:30pm that evening I drove the 45 minutes home to find my nieces and my sister waiting in my driveway, my GC sister screaming and cursing at them locked in their car? All of my neighbors on my cul-de-sac were outside at 11:15pm watching the whole nightmare. My GC sister then called the police. I got out of my car and calmly asked her what was going on and she just started screaming and cursing at me? I invited all of them inside, it was July in Texas and hot, also to get them out of the neighbors view. I tried to just calm the whole situation down and I offered my assistance to attempt to help. I knew my mother was very sick in ICU and my father not in the best health was at the hospital and worried about her. My GC narcissistic sister refused, continued cursing at me as if I had done something and sent the police into my home to arrest my niece for something my sister alleges she had done. It was so crazy and chaotic. I felt completely helpless and violated but I just attempted to remain calm. I know my sister she will call and lie to my parents and I will then be treated horribly and punished. I sadly knew that night when I saw them at my house I would get the blame for whatever it was that had taken place and it made me not want to go home! The police came, my sister then finally left and my niece that was staying with her and helping her was then immediately my house guest for the next month because she was no longer welcome at my GC narcissistic sisters home where the fighting started. When I left the hospital that night I kissed my parents on the head and tucked them in and told them I loved them. They had called my GC narcissist sister and my GC narcissist brother that day and asked them to take them to the hospital and they both refused, so then they called me and I went immediately and helped them. The next time I went to the hospital was two days later and I brought 4 dozen roses for my mother and told her half were from my Dad as i know its hard for him to do that he has trouble walking. My GC narcissist sister was there and I was attacked by all of them from the minute I walked into that room? My GC narc sister had apparently called the ICU the night of the fight after I left and upset them telling them lord only knows what about the altercation with my nieces and then I have no clue to this day what she said about me but they apparently without asking me anything or wanting any facts attacked and blamed me for the entire incident? My alcoholic father told me I was only allowed to be there in the hospital room of my mother that day because it was a public building? My mother who was sick, did what a covert narcissist is best at, played the victim like I had done something to her? So I left and went home and then my father called me later and started making up things and accusing me of more lies? He had no idea the police were called and at my home his GC left that fact out and when I attempted to explain my side of what had happened he just started screaming and told me I am never ever welcome to visit my mother in the hospital because I was upsetting them? My GC narc sister sat in that hospital room the entire time afraid I would tell the truth and I refrained because I did not want to further upset them. I thought eventually things would calm down and when my mom was not in the hospital perhaps it could be discussed and straightened out? Also I assumed they would remember I was actually at the hospital with them when all that chaos took place? No, it just got worse, I called to ask about my mothers health twice after this, and my father answered the phone both times, with my mother and sister sitting right there and not only refused to allow me to speak to her or know anything about her condition, he told me I was never ever allowed to speak to my mother ever again and never invited or welcome to come to see them or to anything they have ever. It was so hurtful I started apologizing for nothing just to calm it down but he refused to listen to anything I had to say, So painful! This traumatized me and made me remember how my entire childhood this same scenario of scapegoating went on. It was like a flood of memories I had suppressed all came back. It hurt me so much and depressed me as well, my stomach hurt I could not sleep, I started having trouble functioning. It just felt like a mortal wound to my heart and I sincerely just could not take this abusive game any longer. Then my alcoholic codependent father started bragging to my other siblings and cousin and aunts how he had disowned me? When my forgotten child sister asked him why, he had no answer but that I had upset them? My sister then said he mentioned my GC narc sister calling them in the ICU at 11:00pm that night and when my sister pointed out to him it seemed to her like his GC narc daughter had upset them by calling them in the ICU that night he stated she needed their help, and changed the subject and refused to talk about it any further, he then disowned her too. She had apparently failed to pay back a loan from 20 tears ago that he had stated numerous times he had forgiven and she did not have to pay back, now he was upset and demanded the money back from her. It was like that was all he cared about? He went on to disown my oldest sister, my nieces mother and all of her children including my niece. To this point still never hearing anyone else's side to the situation and refusing to listen. Honestly this just brought back all of the emotional trauma I felt as a child when they would do this to me, never listen or allow me to tell them the truth and punish and abuse me for my GC narc sisters bad abusive behavior and decisions. I as hurtful as this was just had to decide that I can not save them especially my parents from themselves. I was the only child they have that lives close to them that would assist and help them, and be good to them. So I wrote my father a note and told him if he wanted to believe the lies he was being told it was his choice and i wished him all the best. Also that I know the truth. I have had no contact since. Months after this happened my covert narc mother called and left me a few messages only saying she wanted to talk to me? She or my father have never once in my entire life appreciated or taken up for me especially when it comes to their narc GC. They have this codependent circle where they all lie for and cover up each other's abusive dysfunctional behavior. My own parents have never really attempted to have a genuine emotional connection with me, they have always just used and abused me and kept me around for these purposes only from what I can tell. I sadly ignored this and kept attempting to have a genuine connection with them. I now realize its not only not possible but something they will never ever attempt to have with me, Its a two way street! I have since learned all of the mean unkind untrue things they are saying behind my back to smear campaign me to anyone who will listen, all the while writing me a letter about how feeble my father is attempting to guilt me back into the dysfunction, but an apology or even a talk about anything that transpired would never be something they will entertain or allow to take place. My GC narc sister then month later had her son my nephew come to my home, while she waited in her car across the street? She has also attempted to call me numerous times and enlisted the help of her children to leave me strange vmm's. All the while they are still smear campaigning me and making up lies and still falsely accusing me? I must admit once people started telling me these things it was shocking but it also made sense and many things that I did not understand before became clear to me. They ignored my birthday, my son's birthday, him going off to college. They have always ignored and treated my son like he did not exist and was not relevant just like the way they have treated me. At the same time spoiling and going completely out of their way for their GC and their GC grand children. It all just made me realize I just cant take it anymore. So after mothers day, my father sent me a typed note, he doesn't type so my covert narc mother is the one that typed it, and it stated how much they have done for me? Which is laughable and that I am now again disowned and not welcome to his funeral because I did not send my covert narc mother a mothers day card? Completely crazy but again hurtful. This has been my whole life with them, they change the rules and move the goal post every five minutes and your never sure where you stand or what is expected, And the rules are different depending on who you are? It is and always was exhausting. My GC narc siblings have repeated this abusive  pattern my entire adult life as well. They somehow twist and blame all of their problems on me, it got so bad my GC narc brother's stripper wife started joining in and doing it as well, kind of a mob mentality. They would always make something up go and run to our parents just like when we were children and I would be screamed and cursed at and punished and never allowed to defend myself, they even took the strippers lies and punished me. My GC narc brother didn't care even when he knew she was lying, she is his abuser so he will never go against her, easier for him to abuse me. Again I just can't take it any longer. I have spent the last year attempting to heal, I moved so they no longer know where I live, I blocked all of them from calling me. I now finally after all of this dysfunction and turmoil have peace. It's been hard, it is not easy, I am sure there will always be pain in my life regarding my parents but again I can not save them from themselves. Also I can not allow them to affect my health negatively any longer. Thanks for allowing me to share, I hope this helps someone who might have a similar experience and upbringing.

[Three Roses]

Unfortunately, this sounds all too familiar. I'm so sorry you had to go thru ask that, but happy you are out of the dysfunction! Thanks for posting.

[finallyfree]

Thanks so much for those kind words. It's been a real struggle and extremely hurtful. I am so glad to have found this forum. It helps to know your not alone, even though I would never want or wish my experience on anyone. It's so destructive and unnecessary. Thanks again for taking the time to write something.

[Rainydaze]

Based on the fact that I am smart, strong and emotionally intelligent, I was made their scapegoat.

I'm so glad you see this. I think as very young children when our parents treat us with contempt we assume that we're 'bad' and somehow deserve it. When I read other people's accounts here what always strikes me is how kind-hearted and bright they are; anything but 'bad'.

I have spent the last year attempting to heal, I moved so they no longer know where I live, I blocked all of them from calling me. I now finally after all of this dysfunction and turmoil have peace. It's been hard, it is not easy, I am sure there will always be pain in my life regarding my parents but again I can not save them from themselves. Also I can not allow them to affect my health negatively any longer. Thanks for allowing me to share, I hope this helps someone who might have a similar experience and upbringing.

Good, your family's behaviour has been horrendous and you need to protect yourself from that. Disowning you, pretending that they haven't done so to other people, and then disowning you again for not sending a card is just irrational and unfair. Not to mention all the other stuff. You sound like a great person and I'm so glad you're away from that negativity and bullying.

[finallyfree]

Thanks so much for your kind words and understanding. It means a great deal to me.

[ajvander86]

I have gone NC for the last year after being disowned by my FOO. I have been their scapegoat and their dumping ground for all of their problems and abusive behavior my entire life. I am 51 years old now. I stuffed down and ignored my childhood and this event of my being disowned and scapegoated again for something that my GC sibling did completely traumatized me and brought my entire awful childhood memories back to me. I have spent the last year analyzing and dissecting all of it in order to put it in perspective and absorb and come to terms with it all. It has been a real eye opener. I always knew there was something wrong with both of my parents and it was painfully obvious the way they unequally parented all 6 of us. Based on the fact that I am smart, strong and emotionally intelligent, I was made their scapegoat. The day I was disowned, I still attempted to apologize for absolutely nothing just so my alcoholic, codependent father would not be as upset and angry as he was? How crazy is that? I have a clear conscience in all of it. My older GC sister started a physical altercation at her home, while I was at the emergency room with both of our 77, and 84 year old parents. This altercation ended up without my knowledge or permission at my home? When I left the ICU at 10:30pm that evening I drove the 45 minutes home to find my nieces and my sister waiting in my driveway, my GC sister screaming and cursing at them locked in their car? All of my neighbors on my cul-de-sac were outside at 11:15pm watching the whole nightmare. My GC sister then called the police. I got out of my car and calmly asked her what was going on and she just started screaming and cursing at me? I invited all of them inside, it was July in Texas and hot, also to get them out of the neighbors view. I tried to just calm the whole situation down and I offered my assistance to attempt to help. I knew my mother was very sick in ICU and my father not in the best health was at the hospital and worried about her. My GC narcissistic sister refused, continued cursing at me as if I had done something and sent the police into my home to arrest my niece for something my sister alleges she had done. It was so crazy and chaotic. I felt completely helpless and violated but I just attempted to remain calm. I know my sister she will call and lie to my parents and I will then be treated horribly and punished. I sadly knew that night when I saw them at my house I would get the blame for whatever it was that had taken place and it made me not want to go home! The police came, my sister then finally left and my niece that was staying with her and helping her was then immediately my house guest for the next month because she was no longer welcome at my GC narcissistic sisters home where the fighting started. When I left the hospital that night I kissed my parents on the head and tucked them in and told them I loved them. They had called my GC narcissist sister and my GC narcissist brother that day and asked them to take them to the hospital and they both refused, so then they called me and I went immediately and helped them. The next time I went to the hospital was two days later and I brought 4 dozen roses for my mother and told her half were from my Dad as i know its hard for him to do that he has trouble walking. My GC narcissist sister was there and I was attacked by all of them from the minute I walked into that room? My GC narc sister had apparently called the ICU the night of the fight after I left and upset them telling them lord only knows what about the altercation with my nieces and then I have no clue to this day what she said about me but they apparently without asking me anything or wanting any facts attacked and blamed me for the entire incident? My alcoholic father told me I was only allowed to be there in the hospital room of my mother that day because it was a public building? My mother who was sick, did what a covert narcissist is best at, played the victim like I had done something to her? So I left and went home and then my father called me later and started making up things and accusing me of more lies? He had no idea the police were called and at my home his GC left that fact out and when I attempted to explain my side of what had happened he just started screaming and told me I am never ever welcome to visit my mother in the hospital because I was upsetting them? My GC narc sister sat in that hospital room the entire time afraid I would tell the truth and I refrained because I did not want to further upset them. I thought eventually things would calm down and when my mom was not in the hospital perhaps it could be discussed and straightened out? Also I assumed they would remember I was actually at the hospital with them when all that chaos took place? No, it just got worse, I called to ask about my mothers health twice after this, and my father answered the phone both times, with my mother and sister sitting right there and not only refused to allow me to speak to her or know anything about her condition, he told me I was never ever allowed to speak to my mother ever again and never invited or welcome to come to see them or to anything they have ever. It was so hurtful I started apologizing for nothing just to calm it down but he refused to listen to anything I had to say, So painful! This traumatized me and made me remember how my entire childhood this same scenario of scapegoating went on. It was like a flood of memories I had suppressed all came back. It hurt me so much and depressed me as well, my stomach hurt I could not sleep, I started having trouble functioning. It just felt like a mortal wound to my heart and I sincerely just could not take this abusive game any longer. Then my alcoholic codependent father started bragging to my other siblings and cousin and aunts how he had disowned me? When my forgotten child sister asked him why, he had no answer but that I had upset them? My sister then said he mentioned my GC narc sister calling them in the ICU at 11:00pm that night and when my sister pointed out to him it seemed to her like his GC narc daughter had upset them by calling them in the ICU that night he stated she needed their help, and changed the subject and refused to talk about it any further, he then disowned her too. She had apparently failed to pay back a loan from 20 tears ago that he had stated numerous times he had forgiven and she did not have to pay back, now he was upset and demanded the money back from her. It was like that was all he cared about? He went on to disown my oldest sister, my nieces mother and all of her children including my niece. To this point still never hearing anyone else's side to the situation and refusing to listen. Honestly this just brought back all of the emotional trauma I felt as a child when they would do this to me, never listen or allow me to tell them the truth and punish and abuse me for my GC narc sisters bad abusive behavior and decisions. I as hurtful as this was just had to decide that I can not save them especially my parents from themselves. I was the only child they have that lives close to them that would assist and help them, and be good to them. So I wrote my father a note and told him if he wanted to believe the lies he was being told it was his choice and i wished him all the best. Also that I know the truth. I have had no contact since. Months after this happened my covert narc mother called and left me a few messages only saying she wanted to talk to me? She or my father have never once in my entire life appreciated or taken up for me especially when it comes to their narc GC. They have this codependent circle where they all lie for and cover up each other's abusive dysfunctional behavior. My own parents have never really attempted to have a genuine emotional connection with me, they have always just used and abused me and kept me around for these purposes only from what I can tell. I sadly ignored this and kept attempting to have a genuine connection with them. I now realize its not only not possible but something they will never ever attempt to have with me, Its a two way street! I have since learned all of the mean unkind untrue things they are saying behind my back to smear campaign me to anyone who will listen, all the while writing me a letter about how feeble my father is attempting to guilt me back into the dysfunction, but an apology or even a talk about anything that transpired would never be something they will entertain or allow to take place. My GC narc sister then month later had her son my nephew come to my home, while she waited in her car across the street? She has also attempted to call me numerous times and enlisted the help of her children to leave me strange vmm's. All the while they are still smear campaigning me and making up lies and still falsely accusing me? I must admit once people started telling me these things it was shocking but it also made sense and many things that I did not understand before became clear to me. They ignored my birthday, my son's birthday, him going off to college. They have always ignored and treated my son like he did not exist and was not relevant just like the way they have treated me. At the same time spoiling and going completely out of their way for their GC and their GC grand children. It all just made me realize I just cant take it anymore. So after mothers day, my father sent me a typed note, he doesn't type so my covert narc mother is the one that typed it, and it stated how much they have done for me? Which is laughable and that I am now again disowned and not welcome to his funeral because I did not send my covert narc mother a mothers day card? Completely crazy but again hurtful. This has been my whole life with them, they change the rules and move the goal post every five minutes and your never sure where you stand or what is expected, And the rules are different depending on who you are? It is and always was exhausting. My GC narc siblings have repeated this abusive  pattern my entire adult life as well. They somehow twist and blame all of their problems on me, it got so bad my GC narc brother's stripper wife started joining in and doing it as well, kind of a mob mentality. They would always make something up go and run to our parents just like when we were children and I would be screamed and cursed at and punished and never allowed to defend myself, they even took the strippers lies and punished me. My GC narc brother didn't care even when he knew she was lying, she is his abuser so he will never go against her, easier for him to abuse me. Again I just can't take it any longer. I have spent the last year attempting to heal, I moved so they no longer know where I live, I blocked all of them from calling me. I now finally after all of this dysfunction and turmoil have peace. It's been hard, it is not easy, I am sure there will always be pain in my life regarding my parents but again I can not save them from themselves. Also I can not allow them to affect my health negatively any longer. Thanks for allowing me to share, I hope this helps someone who might have a similar experience and upbringing.

Hi, thank you for sharing your story.  This sounds very familiar to my own experiences with my family, and especially my mother.  She recently told me that I was no longer allowed at her house when I defended my sister from being attacked by her.  My mother loves to pick fights out of nowhere and bully you, and then if you have a problem with it or stand up for yourself then you are the problem and are rejected.  I have literally seen her make up problems out of thin air over nothing and start fights.  Of course, one could say just ignore it, but you can only ignore it for so long.  When someone bullys you and attacks you constantly even just verbally and emotionally, that is abuse in and of itself.  Like you, I've tried everything in my power to try to approach my mother with the perfect words or the perfect kinds of behavior in an attempt to 'keep the peace' even though there never has been any peace, but nothing ever works.  It's nothing but hysteria, chaos manufactoring, catastrophizing, blaming, attacking, scapegoating.....everything you mentioned here.  I've even tried for many years to just 'take it' just so that I could be around my mother or try to be a 'good son'.  But even though it's painful to do, I began to realize more and more that it just wasn't healthy and that every time I allowed myself to be subjected to abuse that I was abandoning myself.  I had to make the decision to go no contact myself for my own sanity, and it's hard because we know intellectually about what healthy boundaries are and what we 'should' do.  But for some of us that means walking away from our entire family.  It basically means we have no family.  No holiday get togethers, no vacations, no Sunday dinners where everyone can just get together for a few hours and eat dinner and have a good time.  My mother can't even do that without starting fights and yelling and chaos.  It's sad and extremely painful.  I get angry at life and God in general for allowing this to happen at all, to myself as well as to others out there who have to face similar situations.  I mean what the *?  Not only do you get abused and torn apart emotionally and mentally by the people who love you most that you then have to heal from, but you get abandoned so that you don't have a family at all.  Anyway, just wanted to let you know you are absolutely not alone, and that I am in the same boat you're in with having to heal and go NC.  I'm really happy this forum exists, it's extremely helpful and healing to not only know you're not alone, but to share with one another.  I'm not crazy, and neither are you .  Take care.

[finallyfree]

I am so sorry you have a similar family. It does hurt and is so hard. I too am so happy to have this forum and to be able to share. I think this does help so much knowing we are not alone. Good luck to you moving forward. I wish you all the best. 

[Lingurine]

Finallyfree, like avjander, I had to leave my family too. It feels like being an orphan, because the dysfunction spreads throughout the family and I had to leave them all. The divide and rule tactics, the gaslighting, made it impossible for me to stay. Sad, but true. It takes courage to learn how to validate yourself, when you never received it from your FOO. I think about this a lot and try to give myself and others what I missed so much in my life. This is healing to me. To carry on and give myself and others what I missed.

Take care

Lingurine

[finallyfree]

Linguine,
I completely understand and identify with what your saying. I attempt to look at it like I was lucky to be able to finally walk away and to now heal and chose my own family. I wish you all the best.

[Lingurine]

Finallyfree, I do think that's a healthy way of looking at it. You were lucky, but foremost, strong enough to walk away to start a new life for yourself. Once you realize your parents didn't know better and there's not much you can do to change the situation, because this all wasn't your fault, you might slowly feel better. I hope you do.

Lingurine

[finallyfree]

Lingurine,
I so appreciate your comments and kindness. I sadly came to the reality my parents are who they are when they finally traumatized me last year and I could no longer, ignore, deny or make excuses for them any longer. As a child they always made me feel like a bad person. As an adult I knew they were wrong. I am of the opinion they do know better they just will never behave any differently because they have their codependent relationship with their golden children which is the most important thing to them. It's far more important than treating me right, or being fair or honest with me. They know what they are doing they chose what they have done over me. They have my entire life. I was a convenience for them. Someone who was easily blamed and scapegoated got all of their faults, poor choices and just plain bad behavior. It must just become second nature and a reflex reaction to do this to me, since they got away with it for so long. I am convinced they know it's wrong, but I am not worth the effort to stop it. Also then they might have to admit they are wrong or take some accountability for their actions and this will never happen. They are sad, weak and miserable people who inflict their chaotic dysfunction on others. Parasites in many ways, with the absolute power to harm and damage a small child. Lucky for me I grew up and they no longer have that type of leverage. It was and still is more painful than I can express but at least I am finally free!

[finallyfree]

UPDATE!!! Ok I thought I was finally free??? No contact for over one year and my employer (I work for a long term behavioral health residential treatment facility for special needs adolescents) called me in and explained that it's a conflict of interest to admit a family member? They then explained they were contacted by a county that was referring my niece for admission at my request because I work there? Apparently my niece, the same niece the fighting was over last August is currently incarcerated, by my evil golden child sister ( she adopted this child from the state of Virginia and gets a monthly paycheck to care for her) for allegedly assaulting her??! She has apparently been incarcerated repeatedly for over one year and finally someone got CPS and the state of Virginia involved. It appears they left her there in jail each time, no one bailed her out??? She just turned 16 and is autistic!!! Anyway my sister lied to Fairfax County Virginia and told them I work at my facility and I insisted she be placed with us??? Of course this would be convenient for my evil sister to keep her monthly pay check and claws in this child if she could remain in the same city they live in. So I had to explain to my employer I had no idea what they were talking about because I did not. I was shocked! They received the request along with the file and all of the dirty details several weeks prior and were uneasy about the whole thing??? It's completely embarrassing and shameful!! So I guess when you think your free after being scapegoated and disowned they never really leave you alone. Our facility did not accept this admission, it is a conflict of interest and frankly awkward. Fairfax County stated they didn't want to place her in our facility and were only honoring my request? This means my niece will most likely be placed back in Virginia far away from my evil sisters grasp. No matter what they just keep bringing their crazy to my life! I am positive when she found out her scam did not work I got all the blame. Luckily I don't have to listen to any of it. I am thankful I was able to avoid this disaster that would have brought my entire FOO to my work place. Also this child's biological father who has not been in her life in years and his legal rights were terminated, has now applied for a job where I work??? He knew nothing about my employer until it was revealed my niece would be placed there? I have met him twice and he is a real nut case. I just hope he is not successful. He tells people he is related to me and also ask them for money??? Weirdo! And he has only met me twice?? I want nothing to do with him either. Pray I will have peace again soon! Spoke to soon and almost finally free??? I guess we are never free??

[Three Roses]

Hmmm.... I may have a different view on that. They tried to suck you back in but it didn't work - I'd say you just proved to them and yourself that you really are free from them trying to "Hoover" you back into their dysfunction!

[finallyfree]

Thanks Three Roses I guess your right. It put me into a panic when I found out they were attempting to bring all of their craziness to my work place which for me has always been a safe place for me. They didn't get their way and I have not had contact. My evil sister will be angry so I am afraid she will attempt to show up and confront me at my work place. It's sad because I was just starting to feel normal, and sleeping really well. Hope this is the last time they are able to upset me. Thanks again for your kind words and perspective. I very much appreciate it. Have a wonderful day!

[louiseb]

I am also 51 y.o. and the scapegoat in a narcissistic family. I'm the oldest of 5 siblings. My mother, both grandmothers, father and sister are all narcissists. I have had to go no contact because of toxic emotional abuse. Unfortunately I had to cut off all my siblings too because they are all still enmeshed in the dysfunction. Also there are 2 golden children. It hurts like * to cut off an entire family. I'm glad I'm not the only one. Thank you for sharing your story.