*trigger warning* How do you heal when you are the only one who knows

[Alarrah]

How do you heal when you are the only person who knows that you were abused?

I'm struggling with this. I was abused and neglected by my father and mother. I don't want to go into details, but when I went for help, they convinced everyone in our small town that I had made it up. It's easy for adults to ignore teenagers, especially weird ones, so everyone believed them. I don't know if they honestly have convinced themselves that they did nothing wrong, but everyone in my family refuses to talk to me about it. They still don't believe me. They will never believe me.

I haven't spoken to my father in years, but my mother... well, she is the lesser of two evils, and I can't be without both parents. She still hurts me though... every time I see her, it rips open wounds.

Did anyone else have this experience? Please... anyone. Tell me I am not crazy. Tell me I'm not making this up.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, Alarrah! I'm so glad you're here. 

Statistics say that more of us actually minimize our abuse than make things up. I believe you.

You mentioned in another post not being able to afford therapy, but for me it has been the thing that made the biggest difference. Being able to say out loud to another person what happened to me felt validating. (I don't recommend doing that with anyone but a therapist.)

It can be incredibly painful to be re-traumatized by family. Many of us here are NC/LC (no contact/limited contact) with our parents, and although it can hurt to not have them in our lives it's better than having our wounds ripped open over & over so that we can never heal.

I encourage you to continue to post, ask questions in existing threads or make your own. We value your insight and the people here really do try their best to be encouraging and validating. Thanks for joining!

[sanmagic7]

glad you're here, alarrah.

absolutely no, you're not crazy.  like 3 roses said, we tend to minimize rather than overreact to our abuse.  i believe you, too. 

not being believed is a lonely feeling.  i know it, been through it.  you're not making it up.  i understand about not wanting to be without both parents.  i also understand how difficult it is to heal when the abuse continues.

as you continue in your recovery, i'm certain you'll get more clarity, validation, and balance for your life, both past and present.  please take care of you as best you can.  a caring hug to you.

[Rainydaze]

I'm so sorry that people failed you when you reached out for help.  I think it's distressing how abused children can be so easily ignored or written off by adults as just being peculiar. I was the 'weird girl' at school and one teacher openly mocked me for never speaking in her classes, whereas another one approached me and chastised me after my abusive father had been into the school telling all my teachers how I wasn't treating him well. He walked into my one safe place and snatched away any possibility of getting help and what hurts looking back is how quick people were to write me off rather than questioning any deeper into why I was so withdrawn and reluctant to interact with anyone.

I think when this happens you internalise the shame and it becomes toxic. I'm only just now realising that my tendencies to withdraw and feel shameful aren't the real me, they're just symptoms. It truly sucks that adult figures chose to condemn me rather than reach out but I now feel that this is truly on them and that I've been carrying shame over it that really doesn't belong to me. Alarrah, I believe you and there is no way you are crazy. As a vulnerable child, adult figures should have been looking out for you and they failed you. I relate to how you feel about this and don't think it's fair how people treated you. It's not your fault and you're not making it up. 

[woodsgnome]

First off, I believe you wholeheartedly. What you describe is a regular pattern, unfortunately. 

The abusers will find ways to cover their tracks just by virtue of their age and their victim's youthful (usually) vulnerability. And sometimes they can deliberately craft their reputations, like your parents did. I had that, too; as well as those--some of them related to the m--in a religious school who hid behind their 'holiness' which cleverly created a clear field for their degradations.

Telling about it is a catch-22 that can backfire if the wrong sorts are told; the shame could actually increase. Therapy? Of course, but the expense can keep many away from that option.

So it's a lonely trek and we internalize the effects even more. At least you were able to turn here, albeit it's not the same as personal friends but consists of people who understand your plight.

Painful as it is, for now, it's a plus that you were able to share a bit of that inside burden. If you're so inclined, perhaps writing, even if it's in a personal journal, might be one option to unload a bit of the misery. Pre-therapy, I'd do lots of that, and it seemed to help a little.

[Alarrah]

I can't tell you what it means to me to know I'm not alone. I hate that anyone else has been through something similar, but knowing there are people out there who know exactly how it feels and will believe me... It's still overwhelming. I wish I could give you all a hug.

Blues_cruise, thank you so much for sharing that. I'm so very sorry, and I connected so much with your words. I know how it feels to have every safe space violated. I'm still trying to identify that voice in my head. I'm so used to listening to it that it is taking me a while to stop giving it space to talk. I'm really glad you shared. It touched my heart. 

woodsgnome, Thank you so much. I'm starting to write again now. When I was a kid, I used to use my journal as a sanity check. I would write down exactly what happened so I could read it and prove to myself it was real. Things got really bad for me at one point, and I was put in a hospital on suicide watch. When I came out, my father had kicked me out of the house, and the only person who could take me in was a sister I barely knew. Her first order of business was to read my journals in front of me, stopping at any passages that talked about abuse to tell me they were lies.

Since then, writing is so hard... I know I shouldn't let her have that, but for some reason, it doesn't feel like it matters anymore. Abusers can take that too, so what's the point? I'm working on this. Between that and the constant fear of saying how I feel, I've been living in denial instead. It is so so so hard to convince myself that I'm allowed to feel. Maybe reclaiming a journal will be a good start. <3 Thank you so much for your reply.

[ah]

Hi Alarrah,

I confided in a friend once when I was a teenager, told her some of the stuff going on at home (I'd get to school in the morning, sit down with her in an empty classroom and tell her what happened the evening before) and she told the school councilor, who didn't get it. Neither did the social workers my parents and I were sent to, they all believed my parents of course. They were rich, educated, intimidating, powerful. I was a scrawny weird teenager who glared at the ceiling and was too cautious to say a word, so my parents were off the hook. No help, no one stopped them. Many times my parents tried to commit me and convince social workers/psychiatrists that I was crazy, and no one there was on my side either. My father was just too powerful, too good an actor.

I suffered abuse throughout childhood and as an adult, it continued. With my father even though we're estranged, he finds ways to attack me through others. He's successfully convinced my whole family that I'm crazy. I'm on my own. As a result, no one knows the truth. Everybody believes the lies. I'm the only one who knows, everyone else sides with the abusers. It's been going on for 4 decades in my case.

I guess most people are too apathetic to see the lies, and sometimes they're too scared to take a stand. Either way, they cooperate with the abusers. You're left on your own.

It can be really hard to know who you are, and what the truth is, when no one else knows it. I'm sorry you had to know what that feels like. It can be crazy making... it's such a dissonance. I hope these forums help. I know they help me.

A journal is what I was thinking too when I read your post. I might start one too. When I was younger I never had one because if anyone was trusting enough to write down personal information my father would search for it, find it and taunt and attack them with it so I never wrote a journal. But I think maybe I'll try too. I've recently read of something called "narrative exposure therapy" and I think I might try it out on my own, slowly, with the book.

One thing that helps me a bit is seeing how consistent my sense of self and story are. There are recurring themes that pop up in my memories of every age, over and over. It's not just a messy jumble of stories, and I constantly minimize the hardships in my life so I know I'm not trying to be dramatic. The truth sounds coherent. You're telling the truth, even if no one else knows it.

[green tree sky]

Gosh this thread has really touched my heart... I feel such ache for all the stories of not being heard or understood or believed... that cultivated an inability to trust anyone to hear your story. I was chased, beaten and had my mouth washed out with soap at a very young age (5) when I tried to speak out about an injustice - not surprisingly I did not speak out in defense of myself again.

I think there is is a heap of denial in society - if it really acknowledged all the abuse going on there would not be much 'civilisation' left. While even physical and sexual abuse is hard for them to face up to emotional abuse is so easy to dismiss - it must be your fault! The social hiding place is embedded in this repeated rhyme "sticks and stones might hurt our bones but words can never hurt us"

I too called myself 'weird', the odd one out. I often wonder how different I might have been if I had not had abusive parents - maybe I would have just learned to be my unique self and not had to resort to "weird" to create an aura of being an individual separate from them... don't get me wrong I love 'different' and 'weird'! But I think 'authentic' and 'unique' might have been more life serving.

Yes finding a therapist you can talk to openly is a really important step... I find it financially so difficult to keep my sessions going but mentally it is an important lifeline.

[Phoebes]

Hi, ALarrah! As you can see I think we most if not all have experienced this. I think it may just be part of being in our shoes. It's part of what makes it difficult to heal.

After not being believed by family and close others to the family (I didn't even tell, or get to tell, MY story, because Nm pre-emptively told everyone her own made up story to cut them off at the pass before they could possibly hear the truth.) I've finally found that I CAN heal from being the only one who knows the truth. That has been a hard one to swallow. Even my friends downplay it in their mind, albeit supportive. I just don't want to be minimized anymore because it hurts too much. So I support MYSELF! This is new for me.

I've had very similar experiences to those above as well. She made me out to be a rebellious kid (meaning I wasn't exactly like her), when I wasn't at all. I should have been but I was terrified of her abuse so I was in survival mode. Yet to her I was rebelling. Her side of the family is just like her, while the other side is pollyanna everything is peachy. I'm like blues, how did the adults not question why I was so shut down? Why I would literally DUCK when someone reached across the table or why I was so depressed. I felt a lot of shame for being depressed and I felt like they were judging me. Otherwise why didn't they care?

When I went NC with Nm, she had ripped me to shreds verbally. She said the most awful things, and I was crying (a state I never get to). I could tell she had taken pleasure in that. She said she "bet I thought she owed her an apology, well, she was NEVER going to apologize so I could just get over myself." I told her I needed some time and space and would get back to her. After that, she went and cried to her husband, his family and said I was so mean and had abandoned her for no reason. That I was holding a grudge from 30 years ago, and even though she apologized profusely, I would not accept her apology. THEN, they went and joined MY church and tried to stalk me. She wrote me a letter about how her sunday school group all have problems with their families, and if I can't get over myself and forgive her, she'll just give her love to them for the rest of her life. Many of those people know me, at least peripherally, or I am friends with their kids. Fortunately I moved away and don't go there anymore, but that was MY safe place. I can't even visit on holidays anymore since I'm full NC.

All that to say, I have accepted that ALL of these people, the entire family, all of my church acquantances, everyone. They can all think what they want. LET 'EM. Chances are they see there is some crazy there anyway. But even if not. Let 'em. What is important is WE see ourselves accurately and take responsibility for our own healing, gradually over time. We can't be our authentic selves and heal in the way we need to if we are waiting on others to be on board. Believe me, I have tried for years and I really think this was a key to what was holding me back. We are used to wanting validation and understanding. We never got that. Once we can do this for ourselves, lo and behold we start attracting people who DO validate and love us for who we are, in time.

Richard Grannon has some good techniques that have helped. (He has a program but I've just watched his vids). Along the lines of reparenting the inner child. I like his idea of using a parental figure that kind of follows you around soothing you and telling you you're doing good, good enough. Nothing too over the top. Just good, normal. You basically plant this new normal parental voice in your head. Some others I find helpful are Lisa A Romano, Little Shaman, Kris Godinez. I don't even go to a therapist. I've had many of those do the same as people who believe my family. I have not found one in my area that understands NPD at all.

[sanmagic7]

you know, phoebes, as a therapist, i wasn't at all familiar with npd, except 'they want all the attention on them' kind of understanding.  it just wasn't addressed, and no one i knew had really come in contact with anyone to learn about it.  npd's are so well defended, they may come in for all kinds of other issues, but will hide their true personality traits.

it wasn't till i began researching this for myself that the whole world of npd, narc abuse, misogyny, etc. opened up for me. (i'm not just ragging on men with the misogyny bit - i had a female therapist who also was a misogynist).  it is no wonder to me anymore that we haven't been heard or validated throughout our lives.

i'm convinced our healing has to come about in spite of not being heard, validated, or acknowledged for what we experienced, what we went thru.  i, too, have no t anymore - haven't found one that was helpful even after i knew the extent of what was going on with me and would explain it to them.  they never got it.  but i do have this forum, and it sounds like others have other resources as well that are helpful.

so grateful for all of that and all of you.