The abuse is not a lie. The Cake is.

[Alarrah]

Before I start doing the work, I want to address myself.

Alarrah,

You are doing so great. Seriously. It doesn't always feel that way, but you are. Look around you. You have a house, a great job, and a full pantry. All that fighting that you had to do, just to survive... It was one * of a ride, but you got here.

Now, just breathe. You're safe. You're surrounded by people who love you. You have built a life to be proud of, and you did it with no help. You kicked *. Don't forget what you are capable of because there isn't anyone else who will celebrate that for you. It's yours to own and yours to be proud of.

Alright. You've gotten through *, but now that you're on the other side, the challenge is less defined than just "staying alive." Your next task is to accept what happened and learn to love yourself. I know, I know, it sounds horrible. You really need to try though. You deserve to be loved, even if you don't want to hear that. The one thing you know for sure is that if you want something done right, do it yourself. Now you just have to figure out how. I believe in you. You've done the impossible before and you can do it again.

[Three Roses]

 

[sanmagic7]

i believe in you, too.  that was a beautiful, inspirational speech to yourself.  we're all behind you on this.  big hug.

[Alarrah]

Thank you both. <3

My chest feels like it is caving in. I just want to curl up and cry. I want to be left alone. I want to be held. I want someone to see the pain I'm in. I don't want anyone to see me like this. I feel horrible, like a cancer to everyone that loves me. I want to be told I'm not, and I want to never hear another voice.

I don't know what is happening in my head. Nothing feels familiar or comfortable right now. I want to drown out my own thoughts, but my speakers won't go any louder.

I have tried to share with my partners what is going on with me, but they can't understand. I wrote this long thing about how I've been feeling, and my husband didn't even read it. I feel like I am screaming for help, but I've pushed them away so hard that they don't care anymore. I literally told them I was begging for help and affection, and they just said "ok."

I can't put this on them. I know I can't. My emotions are mine. I just... I'm so alone, and I know that was what I wanted, but it wasn't what I wanted. I can't be mad that they are dealing with their own stuff. It's not like I've been able to be there for them. Why can't anyone see that I'm hurting?

Because I don't want anyone to see I'm hurting. I've gotten really good at hiding.

God, what the * is wrong with me? I was fine a few hours ago. Now I feel like everything is falling apart. Why can't I just be stable? Why can't I be the same person two days in a row? What is wrong with me? I just want to be normal. I want friends. I want love. Why am I like this?

Last night, I chewed the skin on my fingers until each one bled. The messed up thing is that on Monday, I will be just fine. I will go into work like usual, and I won't even remember this weekend. Someone will ask me what I did this weekend and I will lie about how great it was. I might even believe it. I can't own these feelings because they won't be mine anymore. They will have floated away. I can't hold on to any identity for longer than a moment. I never know who I am. I just grab on to what I can feel. Most of the time I can't feel anything.

[Three Roses]

Boy, I really relate to this!!

Why can't anyone see that I'm hurting? 

Because I don't want anyone to see I'm hurting. I've gotten really good at hiding.

I have hidden myself away for so long, and now I want to come out and be authentic and am finding it difficult.

Why can't I be the same person two days in a row? What is wrong with me?

I ask myself this question all the time. This morning I was so disoriented I was actually dizzy! I had to tell myself repeatedly who and where I am now.

I'm sorry you're going thru this, you are not alone. 

[sanmagic7]

the contradictions of this c-ptsd beast are crazy-making, there is no doubt.  we push and pull at the same time, running as fast as we can in order to stay in the same place.  our minds do the best they can but we can't understand a word they're speaking.

wife2 always says 'breathe' first because our breath is our life.  i have to work at remembering this when i find myself in the neverland of sanity.  it does help me to know i'm not crazy, i'm not expected to know all the answers, i don't have to figure it out and respond perfectly to any of this.  all i have to do is breathe, and on one of those breaths i ask for the strength to make it thru the day.  so far that's worked - i'm still here.

my heart goes out to you for having to go thru this, for not having the understanding and comfort you crave.  it's ok to put on that smile tomorrow if that's what you need to do.  eventually, as you continue in recovery, this will become both easier and more short-lived.  sending you a soothing, comforting hug to help get you to tomorrow.

[Candid]

Alarrah, that Voice you channelled in your first post has the goods.  I highly recommend doing that more often. Believe It when It says It loves you. All is well.

I want someone to see the pain I'm in.

We're all in it together, here. 

I wrote this long thing about how I've been feeling, and my husband didn't even read it.

Can't get my H to read anything I've written, either.  Anyone who replies to you here has read it, and felt it.

A year ago I could have written your post myself.  You're in the right place, and you're no longer alone.    I'm glad you're here.

[Alarrah]

Thank you guys so much. I can't tell you how much it has meant to me to have people who understand. I've been hypervigilant and on the verge of an anxiety attack for three days, and these words of encouragement are really helping.

[******Trigger Warning: sex, abuse, violence*******]
I'm trying to get my head around something....

I wasn't sexually active or even sexually interested (haha) until I was 18. That year, I met a kid who was horrible to me. He invaded my privacy, cheated on me, lied to me, and disappeared for weeks at a time. Every time he came around though, he drove me insane. He called himself a sadist, and we talked a lot about BDSM. I realized that I was a masochist. I liked the pain. It felt normal to me.

When I went to college, I didn't really look for a partner. When I started exploring my sexuality, I turned to BDSM chatrooms. They were the most comfortable for me because Dominants have no problem telling you exactly how to act. It was a relief, since I never really know what to say or do. Since then, I have been involved in one bad relationship after another.

I should clarify that the relationships were not bad because they involved D/s. Rather, they were bad because instead of finding people in the community who play responsibly, I tend to be drawn to predators. Last year, I started really looking in earnest for someone to help me discover that side of myself, and I found someone that gave me exactly what I wanted. The problem was that it was abuse.

He took my safe word, gaslighted me, tried to separate me from my friends and partners (I'm poly), and beat me so badly while I was on blood thinners that it was a miracle I didn't die. Someone in the community stepped in and separated us, but instead of being mad at him, I miss him constantly.

My feelings are all tangled up. Obviously he was bad for me, but why do I want him so much? He wasn't attractive, smart, or even nice. He was a jerk who made me feel like crap, ignored my feelings, and literally beat me without a safe word.

Since then, I've given up looking for a BDSM relationship, but I keep getting the impulse to self-harm. I feel like I deserve to hurt. I need someone to beat me, abuse me. I need to feel as bad on the outside as I do on the inside. I know that isn't normal or healthy, but I'm obsessed with it. I want someone to tell me I'm worthless, disgusting, ugly... Why do I do this? Why do I seek out pain instead of pleasure?

I know this is probably because of the abuse and because I'm programmed to reject affection and internalize abuse, but how do you get past it? How do you not hurt yourself? I can't even think about the path to loving myself right now. I know I don't deserve this, but why on earth would I want it anyway? Knowing how wrong it is doesn't seem to make it easier to avoid.

Anyway, those questions are rhetorical. I hope it isn't inappropriate to talk about this stuff. If it is, I'll delete the post. I just spend a lot of time pretending that I don't want to be hurt, and maybe I have to be honest about it before I can get past it.

[Three Roses]

 

This is a place to talk about (type about? ) our interpersonal challenges and the damage we've incurred, as well as how to cope with the aftereffects. Your post doesn't bother me, and you've marked it clearly with a TW so I think it's fine.

Since your questions are only rhetorical at this time, I won't try to make suggestions. Instead, here's a gentle, healthy hug if you want it and a welcoming, understanding smile. 

[sanmagic7]

i'm just so very sorry that you've had such horrible relationships.  i hope that you will begin finding answers for your questions when you're ready.  i do believe that the more we look toward recovery, the more about our symptoms will be revealed.  then, armed with knowledge, we'll be able to make the changes we want to have a happier, healthier life.

as with 3 roses, here's a gentle, caring hug for you.  i'm glad you're here.

[Alarrah]

Thank you both. My head has been spinning this week, and I've been flailing. This has been an anchor, and I really appreciate your words.

****Trigger Warning****
recounting abusive language

I spend a lot of time not thinking about what happened to me. Just the idea of actually looking directly at it has me on edge. I think I am more afraid that it will all be nothing, you know? What if I look back at it more closely, and I find that the bore obvious answer is right: Everyone in my family is right, and I was never abused. I mean, no one is going to corroborate my story. Every single family member has told me that I am being dramatic. What if they are right? What if I did this to myself? What if I am a spoiled little B**** like they said?

It isn't logical. I know that just that sentence should be enough to convince myself that it is real. I know that they did this on purpose. I know that I'm supposed to doubt myself so that they never feel guilty.

*lets out a really long breath*

I'm trying so hard to break out of this cycle. I don't want to be the girl who hates herself anymore. I don't want to slowly kill myself via fast food and repressed memories. In fact, I want to live. I have the world laid out at my feet. I'm young, smart, and I know how to get money when I need it. I don't know why I'm stuck in this trench.I am not even sure I know how to want things anymore. All I can do is hold back memories, and that is so much work.

Still... the second I start trying to do the work, I feel like I vibrate apart. I start lashing out at friends; I isolate and seek out destructive relationships. I can't make my brain do what I want it to do, and it sucks.

[Candid]

What if I look back at it more closely, and I find that the bore obvious answer is right: Everyone in my family is right, and I was never abused. I mean, no one is going to corroborate my story. Every single family member has told me that I am being dramatic. What if they are right? What if I did this to myself? What if I am a spoiled little B**** like they said?

This is the commonest and one of the most damaging shoot-yourself-in-the-foot notions among those of us with CPTSD.  I think it's universal -- trying to make Them right -- and I know how very painful it is.  To say nothing of futile.

After several decades too long of trying to do whatever the * They wanted, I reasoned: Okay.  Let's just say for now that I'm everything my FOO told me I was, and told the extended family I am.  What can I do about it while I'm alone, unemployed and homeless?  I've suffered enough!  If I don't believe in my own goodness, I've had it. 

It was a long road with some deep potholes in it, but I persisted and I like myself a whole lot better these days. 

You know what happened to you.  I know what was said and done to me. 

Something I highly value that I got from OOTS:  If you saw that being done to a child the age you were then, would you think it was loving or neutral -- or would you flat-out know it was highly abusive?

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hey Alarrah, I've just gone through and read all this.
I have to say, those first few posts in this thread really spoke to me. The first one - truly inspirational, gave me the warm fuzzies. The second one - it was as if I was reading my own thoughts, listening to my own voice. I relate so much. Thank you for posting and sharing that, you've helped me feel like I'm not alone, that there are people who feel exactly the same way I do. ^-^

Everyone in my family is right, and I was never abused. I mean, no one is going to corroborate my story. Every single family member has told me that I am being dramatic. What if they are right? What if I did this to myself? What if I am a spoiled little B**** like they said?

And this too, speaking my darkest thoughts like you're some kind of mind-reader, lol.
I'm sorry for what you've gone through, with all your relationships and what not. That must be terribly hard. Sorry I don't have much advice to give but I will say I'm here to listen.

(Also, is this thread title a reference to Portal? I hope it is.)

[Alarrah]

(Also, is this thread title a reference to Portal? I hope it is.)

YES!! I am so happy that you got that. I'm sorry that this is relevant to you. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

I can't tell you guys how much it means to me that you get it. Every reply makes me so happy. Candid, what you said about having suffered enough in trying to make them right... that really helps. Most of them aren't even in my life anymore, so why am I trying to prove them right? Finding your own truth is really hard, but it is worth so much more than anyone else's. Thank you.

[Candid]

Finding your own truth is really hard, but it is worth so much more than anyone else's.

What a gem!  I'm half inclined to make it my signature here.