The abuse is not a lie. The Cake is.

[Alarrah]

I finally wrote out my story, but it is 4K words. Is that too long to post?

[Candid]

It would be too long for anyone to read in one go, Alarrah.  Better to break it up into chapters and allow 24 hours in between for feedback, methinks.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I finally wrote out my story, but it is 4K words. Is that too long to post?

As Candid said, probably a little too long to post all in one go. I probably wouldn't be able to concentrate on a 4k word long story lol but I am looking forward to reading it. ^-^ No pressure though.

[Alarrah]

I'm having such a bad week. I've been having panic attacks constantly, and I just can't find anything remotely interesting to distract myself. It's like the more I look at what happened to me, the closer the pain is to the surface. All I want to do is run away from it. I want to keep pretending I'm fine. I want to put my masks back on and just live.

I wrote out my story the other day... everything I could remember. The truth is that it isn't that bad. I mean, not bad enough for me to be this messed up. I know, I know. It's a typical belief, but seriously... why can't I just accept that I got away from it and move on? Why am I stuck here 9 years later?

I am not monogamous, and I live with my husband and girlfriend. My husband has been with me for 8 years, and he is so supportive. My girlfriend though, she has only known me for a couple of years. It takes me much longer than that to open up to anyone, but she doesn't seem to want to be patient with me. When I back off because I'm having flashbacks or am stuck in a high anxiety state, she gets upset and says I'm not showing her I love her. It's true, but I don't feel like I can do any better than this. Every part of my brain is screaming that I should just tell her I'm not capable of love and she should leave me. I can't seem to stop that impulse, and talking it out isn't helping. I feel trapped in my own house. Being me upsets her. I feel like a failure. Unlovable.

The crappy thing is that it's not a lack of compassion on her side. It's a lack of communication on mine. I just can't. When I am this anxious, talking about me is like pulling my fingernails off. I have explained, but she doesn't really get it. Of course she doesn't. Who would?

I also have this huge two year project to wrap up at work, and some days, I kill it. Lately, I've just been unable to cope. I have missed three days of work in the last week. My career and our company depend on me getting this right, but I just can't right now. I know I'm not really going to get fired, but I'm terrified I will be anyway. I am the sole provider for both my husband and girlfriend, and what if I can't do it?

I want nothing more than to take a short leave of absence at work and just get my head straight, but I can't afford that. Not while I'm the only one who pays attention to money.

Most of all, I just want someone to be interested in me right now. Because my girlfriend gets so upset when I pull away, my husband ends up giving her all of his attention so I can have space. Then I end up feeling alone in my own home, and completely uncomfortable. I feel like I'm creating a storm cloud that we all have to live under. I just want the space to not be ok. I want to be loved even when I can't give love in return. I want them to be interested in me and what I'm going through, and not just as a means to complain at me for not being loving enough. I already know I'm cold. I know I'm not capable of normal relationships or love. That's what I'm trying to fix.

I am doing everything all wrong. I have so much pressure on me, and I'm paralyzed. I feel like I haven't taken a real breath in weeks. I keep trying to drown it out with video games or even alcohol one night, but that just makes it worse. I have stuff I need to be doing. What is wrong with me?

When I get like this, I end up making it worse. Part of me feels like i need to be abused for being this way, so I end up talking to people on line who have no trouble telling me how disgusting I am. It makes me feel better in the moment, but it builds up. I start believing it after a while.

God, I feel like I shouldn't admit to any of this. This is all stuff I would keep hidden. I hate the idea of someone knowing how messed up I am. I guess I have to be honest about myself at some point though.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I'm having such a bad week. I've been having panic attacks constantly, and I just can't find anything remotely interesting to distract myself. It's like the more I look at what happened to me, the closer the pain is to the surface. All I want to do is run away from it. I want to keep pretending I'm fine. I want to put my masks back on and just live.

I wrote out my story the other day... everything I could remember. The truth is that it isn't that bad. I mean, not bad enough for me to be this messed up. I know, I know. It's a typical belief, but seriously... why can't I just accept that I got away from it and move on? Why am I stuck here 9 years later?

Sorry to hear about your bad week, Allarah. It feels the same here. :\ It can be extremely frustrating, trying to find a distraction but not feeling motivated to even watch a video or anything like that.
Don't worry about your story being 'not as bad' though, please. We all react differently to trauma. Some people can push through it headstrong and come out the other side completely fine. Others, you, and even I, we can't handle these things as much as others can and that's okay! That's just how we are. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with us. We are just human.

I am not monogamous, and I live with my husband and girlfriend. My husband has been with me for 8 years, and he is so supportive. My girlfriend though, she has only known me for a couple of years. It takes me much longer than that to open up to anyone, but she doesn't seem to want to be patient with me. When I back off because I'm having flashbacks or am stuck in a high anxiety state, she gets upset and says I'm not showing her I love her. It's true, but I don't feel like I can do any better than this. Every part of my brain is screaming that I should just tell her I'm not capable of love and she should leave me. I can't seem to stop that impulse, and talking it out isn't helping. I feel trapped in my own house. Being me upsets her. I feel like a failure. Unlovable.

The crappy thing is that it's not a lack of compassion on her side. It's a lack of communication on mine. I just can't. When I am this anxious, talking about me is like pulling my fingernails off. I have explained, but she doesn't really get it. Of course she doesn't. Who would?

Glad to hear your husband is supportive. Perhaps you can try something I do often, where I would write down my thoughts and feelings and pass that on. It's a lot less stressful than talking out loud and it gives me time to think. Maybe when you feel you need space, telling her "I need some time to myself to think things through" and writing something to her to explain why you have backed off - even a simple; "[X] has triggered me, I need space. It's not your fault." so that it doesn't feel she is unloved. If she has compassion as you says she does, she should be able to give you some time and comfort I think. ^^

I also have this huge two year project to wrap up at work, and some days, I kill it. Lately, I've just been unable to cope. I have missed three days of work in the last week. My career and our company depend on me getting this right, but I just can't right now. I know I'm not really going to get fired, but I'm terrified I will be anyway. I am the sole provider for both my husband and girlfriend, and what if I can't do it?

I want nothing more than to take a short leave of absence at work and just get my head straight, but I can't afford that. Not while I'm the only one who pays attention to money.

Wow, that sounds quite stressful. I think you'll be able to get it done though! Just need to keep at it whenever you feel those slithers of motivation come to you.
Is there a reason why your husband/girlfriend does not work? Personally I think it would be much more stable/comfortable for all of you if at least one of them had their own source of income. I don't think they should have to depend on you so much, that doesn't seem healthy to me. But that is just my own view. I don't know your circumstances so feel free to just completely wave off what I'm saying here. I'm simply slightly concerned. I think a break would really be beneficial for you and you certainly deserve one!

Most of all, I just want someone to be interested in me right now. Because my girlfriend gets so upset when I pull away, my husband ends up giving her all of his attention so I can have space. Then I end up feeling alone in my own home, and completely uncomfortable. I feel like I'm creating a storm cloud that we all have to live under. I just want the space to not be ok. I want to be loved even when I can't give love in return. I want them to be interested in me and what I'm going through, and not just as a means to complain at me for not being loving enough. I already know I'm cold. I know I'm not capable of normal relationships or love. That's what I'm trying to fix.

Like I mentioned before, I think writing notes and what not would help clear away that 'storm cloud'. Reassure them that you just need some time, honestly say how you feel about them if you trust them with that info. It's good that you're trying to work at these things, and telling them that would be helpful too I think. Will hopefully ease them a little so they're not thinking that nothing is being done, that nothing is changing.

I am doing everything all wrong. I have so much pressure on me, and I'm paralyzed. I feel like I haven't taken a real breath in weeks. I keep trying to drown it out with video games or even alcohol one night, but that just makes it worse. I have stuff I need to be doing. What is wrong with me?

When I get like this, I end up making it worse. Part of me feels like i need to be abused for being this way, so I end up talking to people on line who have no trouble telling me how disgusting I am. It makes me feel better in the moment, but it builds up. I start believing it after a while.

God, I feel like I shouldn't admit to any of this. This is all stuff I would keep hidden. I hate the idea of someone knowing how messed up I am. I guess I have to be honest about myself at some point though.

You don't need to be abused, Alarrah. You are a wonderful person, you're not disgusting. I don't think you should put yourself down like that, it won't help your motivation, certainly doesn't help with mine when I do those things! Try not to believe the inner critic that tells you that you are doing everything wrong because you are most certainly not. You are doing plenty of good things, it's hard to see but they're there! Like having a job, bringing in income, wanting to better your relationships, these are all good things and I'm sure there's even more! You are an extremely caring person I can see that, you worry you're not giving enough to those who love you, afraid of disappointing them. But things will work out! Just remember every now and then to stop for a second, take a few minutes to just... breathe and rethink things. With so much pressure, it can be very overwhelming, so give yourself that time to breathe, and deeply. Tell yourself things are okay, they'll be okay, just take things one step at a time until the work load is not so heavy. Then you can focus on things with your partners. ^-^

Anyway, if you don't agree with anything I've written here please feel free to just push it away and disregard it. lol Apologies if I'm too forward, assuming, or direct in certain parts of this post, I'm a little snippy and matter-of-fact today but I'm trying to keep myself in check. Trying.
I wish you all the best and I hope you will get some respite soon!

[sanmagic7]

it's been a bad week for me, too, so i can relate.  so very sorry you're going thru this.

i echo the idea of not comparing what happened to you with what happened to anyone else.  if it traumatized you, it was bad enough. 

thank you for your courage to be vulnerable here, allarah.  i've found that getting it out has helped me have a more stable perspective.   i hope it's done some good for you as well.

i also liked aa's idea of writing notes to help you say what you want to say.  it's a real possibility that your words on paper might be more easily understood.  sometimes just hearing something can get twisted in someone's mind.  seeing it in black and white helps so that doesn't happen.

it sounds like you're overwhelmed.  please, be easy on yourself.  you deserve that.  take care of you as best you can.  big hug, sweetie.

[Alarrah]

Found out last night that a friend of mine passed from cancer. I don't understand why all three of the friends I've lost have been the nicest guys I've known. It's just so unfair.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Found out last night that a friend of mine passed from cancer. I don't understand why all three of the friends I've lost have been the nicest guys I've known. It's just so unfair.

I'm really sorry to hear that Alarrah. If you ever need to talk or vent, know we're here and we'll listen.

[Three Roses]

  I'm so sorry for your loss. Sending comfort your way. 

[sanmagic7]

my heart is with you, allarah.  it certainly isn't fair.  it sucks.   

[Alarrah]

Thank you all for the kind words.

Despite not really having the money, I started therapy again. For the most part, I feel like I've made really big progress over the past few months. I've realized that wanting to please everyone has twisted my brain in knots until I no longer allow myself any expression of emotion. I've realized that most of the emotions I feel are not about right here and now, and I've even started to tease out a few triggers, and where they come from.

It's not easy. I am so tired of the self love talk. I mean, seriously. I know this is not healthy, but does anyone else just really get angry when people spout the whole "Love yourself and accept yourself!" stuff? I know, I know. It's healing and blah. I am learning to allow myself to be human and not put my sights on unrealistic expectations. 

Still... there is this little scrappy part of me who just wants to fight anytime someone starts with that. I cannot stand hearing nice words said about me. I just don't want it. I don't want to hear how great I am. It all feels hallow.

Convincing yourself that you deserve love is really hard. 

lol sorry four pouting.

[Blueberry]

Despite not really having the money, I started therapy again. For the most part, I feel like I've made really big progress over the past few months. I've realized that wanting to please everyone has twisted my brain in knots until I no longer allow myself any expression of emotion. I've realized that most of the emotions I feel are not about right here and now, and I've even started to tease out a few triggers, and where they come from.

Sounds like good progress to me! 

.. I am so tired of the self love talk. I mean, seriously. I know this is not healthy, but does anyone else just really get angry when people spout the whole "Love yourself and accept yourself!" stuff?

Oh, yeah, if that's not where I am, I sometimes feel really annoyed. Or when people go on about gratitude e.g. "I'm so grateful for the emotional pain I endured, it's allowed me to grow and change." Yeah well, I'm not actually grateful to my parents for emotional abuse and neglect.

I think that for me it is actually healthy to recognise what I feel. And if I feel annoyed at the expression of self-love or the thought that I'm "supposed" to do it, then I express that. I've heard that you can stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself that you love yourself. If it works for you or anyone, that's great, I'm happy for you / anyone but for me I need something different for the message to go through all the defensive emotional layers. In fact for me it's much more beneficial to show myself love e.g. by doing self-care (can be as simple as gently brushing my hair for minutes on end).
Hope this helps a bit.

[Alarrah]

I think that for me it is actually healthy to recognise what I feel. And if I feel annoyed at the expression of self-love or the thought that I'm "supposed" to do it, then I express that. I've heard that you can stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself that you love yourself. If it works for you or anyone, that's great, I'm happy for you / anyone but for me I need something different for the message to go through all the defensive emotional layers. In fact for me it's much more beneficial to show myself love e.g. by doing self-care (can be as simple as gently brushing my hair for minutes on end).

That is so helpful! Self-care, I can do. Talking to myself in a mirror? Not so much. I don't mind dedicating the time to myself, but talking out loud to myself doesn't feel like anything but silly.

[Three Roses]

talking out loud to myself doesn't feel like anything but silly. 

I'll have to agree with you there but I've been known to think these thoughts to myself, or imagine someone saying them to me.

[Alarrah]

I am so frustrated. Why is it impossible for me to be the same person two days in a row?

Some days, when I am at my best, it's like I can look in the mirror and see all the parts of me. Every aspect of my identity fits together into one person, and I can say "ah, that is who I am." The other 90% of the time, it feels like that mirror is shattered, and I can only see so many parts at once. Nothing holds the together, and I can't quite make a whole image.

Even just with stupid stuff, like video games and TV shows... there are times when I am in the middle of watching a show, and I will just... not be that person anymore. I don't like the show, and I don't really remember what on earth could have made me want to watch it.

It's not just stupid stuff. It's everything. Like relationships... One minute I will be totally digging a person, then I just can't imagine liking them at all. Or my work. Every few weeks, I wonder why the * I am doing the job I'm doing... even though I absolutely love my work.

I don't feel like I become I separate person. I'm always just me. It's not like they are other identities... just like I can't quite fit all of my personality into me most of the time. It's so frustrating. I'm scared to make plans because I might not be the right me. I'm scared to date or make friends. I can't keep in touch with the ones I have. It's infuriating. I just want to be the same me for two days in a row.

Does anyone else feel like this? Or maybe know what it is?