Deprived of material possessions in childhood.

[serene]

I understand that emotional, physical, and sexual abuse is talked about a lot of the time....yet how many of you have suffered through deprivation? My parents didnt have much when they moved to the US, and my father was struggling too much (I suspect depression) ... so he didnt pick up extra work which my family needed badly. He also took a lot of his disdain out on me (I was the scapegoat child). In combination with the abuse and deprivation...I think it truly messed me up. I remember constantly longing to have more clothes, more things in general. The other kids seemed to be better off and I always felt less than. It was embarrassing to invite friends over as we lived in poverty. I always wanted more clothes....to feel some sort of sense of self esteem. I was never really allowed to branch out and enjoy myself because I never had enough things to support that development. Its SO IMPORTANT to provide enough for your child, I cannot point this out enough. I know that people talk about possessions being unimportant...but those individuals probably didn't feel deprived in childhood. Money is important.....unlike what happy go lucky gurus tend to say. The basic needs have to be met in order for the child to be able to build healthy self esteem. So what I have been missing I have been looking for in my adulthood. I chose to marry a man who can provide a lot. I know its frowned upon in society, but it was extremely attractive to me that my husband could buy me things. It is how I am able to feel happy. Yes, material possessions make me happy....even if its temporary...at least its some sort of happiness! Every time I acquire material possessions, its as if I am giving that inner child what she wanted, what she was deprived of. The inner void and depression remains, but having material things acts as some sort of distraction, a temporary buffer from the pain. I have met one other individual who suffered through a deprived childhood. She still to this day feels contempt for her mother after her mother constantly gave her hand me downs of her older siblings. She is now happily married as well but still holds that resentment towards her mother. It must have been a constant reminder to her that she is less than...to receive things which have already been used. I have once read about an individual who was emotionally ignored in her childhood but who was spoiled with material possessions and money. She said that the money was a huge help to her. It allowed her to coast through her childhood and teen years, functioning as a distraction. I also imagine that money acts as a cushion, as an escape for when family life isn't good enough. Money creates opportunities. I know for sure that other kids probably prefer to be with someone who is financially set as they get to experience the perks as well. No one really wants to hang out with the kid from the poor broken home.

[sanmagic7]

serene, yours is a sad story.  it just goes to show how so much of what we have or don't have can affect us negatively throughout our lives, because it can never quite fill that hole that was never filled in our childhoods.   i'm very sorry for what you went thru.  i'm happy you are able to have material distractions, as you call them, for now.

i suspect that as you continue in recovery, you'll find that sense of happiness within yourself, and it will then become a glad story.    we all have our distractions, i've had a boatload myself.  thankfully, i've been able to finally live without many of them, and i've found that my life is filled with less tension and stress in spite of being financially strapped most of the time.

we all do what we need to do to help us make it from day to day.   i'm happy for you that you don't have financial worries at this time.  that does help.  keep on going - you're doing fine.  thanks for sharing.   

[sinthia820]

I know you asked if anyone was deprived, and technically speaking I was, but I never developed issues with not having. I was dealing with other things and somehow I developed almost an opposite 'response?' than you. I don't like possessions things don't make me happy. Gifts give me anxiety, when positive people in my life spend money on my I feel icky, I spend money on them because of a sense of obligation. I think everyone is different and every response is different and I want to point out that it's not wrong! Don't feel guilty about being materialistic! Ignore the people that say money isn't everything or you can't buy happiness. Those statements may apply to them in their current situation but just like a reference to being Christ like isn't going to have the same effect on a Jew as it does on a catholic people should realize that there is no such thing as standard exceptable feelings and responses and what works for one doesn't always work for everyone! You do you! And I hope you find what you need to feel truely deeply and absolutely happy!!!! Here's to the journey!

[Andyman73]

Not sure exactly how this qualifies but it's darn close...Grew up poorer than a dirt farmer... Dad was in the U.S. Army for 24 years. I just understood that money was tight. I bought own own first bike, cost me $7 USD. Yes, seven.  Took over a year to save for it.  Was a banana seat girls bike. BMX style boys bikes were 10$ USD. Too far out of my reach.  But nonetheless I loved that bike. Clothes were always out of the cheap bins at second shops. Sneakers...cheapest new ones you could get, $1.95 USD.  Anyway...only found out a few months ago that we weren't actually poor, borderline but not poverty stricken. No...folks raised my 2 brothers and I on a pauper's pittance to teach us the value of money. Didn't work. How do you value something you don't have?  Struggled first ten years of adulthood trying to figure it out.

[Traveller 1]

Hi Just saw this post and had to respond.
When I was in my formative years the clothes and shoes I had were all hand me downs or from charity shops and jumble sales.
Very rarely new. Most were fit for rags, with holes and stains.
One Christmas at my extended families house, when we arrived there were three brand new bikes outside and at the back an old battered one with flat tyres and blown inner tubes. This one of course was mine, I loved it anyway.
It took my F three long years to actually bother to fix it, having been shamed into it by people watching me ride it as it was.
If he came home and caught me on it he would go into one, I didn't understand why at the time.
I now have little time for materialism but do understand that sometimes being valued as a human being can be shown through gifts and everyday items such as clothes and trainers, they can make you feel good about yourself.
Which is something many of us here struggle with.
So if this does bring some happiness then go get it.