Mother

[Sarah1955]

My mother is old, sick, I went no contact two years ago and at 61 years old I still fear her in my mind.  I never had a mother that could love, she just caused every kind of emotional and physical pain possible.  My mother was a narcissist. She made everyone on the outside think we had a perfect family but behind closed doors it was a living * for 18 years. When my therapist asked me what closure would look like with her I still can't answer.  AA tells me I have to forgive.  Forgive a monster? The best I can do is try to realize she's a real sick woman and leave it at that. She gave birth to me but was never a mother.  Oh yes my mother was a therapist and my father a psychiatric nurse.  Big head games going on all the time keeping me and my two brothers and one sister from ever being really close. For two years now I'm learning to deal with pain without drugs or any other addictive thing.  As for me the only women in my life are my two girls (grown women) and they are not that close and live in another state. I don't trust women although I'd give my life up for my girls. I guess I just typed this out tonight to get somethings out of me.

[JamesG]

The fact  that you see it Sarah is an indicator that you are getting yourself into a position of recovery and closure. Its frustratingly slow sometimes but you'll get there. Abnormal behaviour is just that, NOT NORMAL. You are better than that, but like so many of us in here, you have to isolate yourself to be around people, you have to cut off the poisoned branches. It will get there in the end, it's a time issue. For me, the biggest tool to use for recovery has been the realisation that my response, all of it, the deppression, the shock, the fear, the loss of innocence and trsut, its ALL NORMAL. What created it isn't normal, but the feelings you have are your mind's way of working it through. Trust yourself, you are a good person who has faced things you should not have faced. We all understand that in here, in the larger world, if people don't get you, then don't bother with them, lean on those who understand and build a new life.

[Three Roses]

if people don't get you, then don't bother with them, lean on those who understand and build a new life.

[sinthia820]

I have never had to do the AA thing so I don't know what the 'forgiveness aspect' of it is. But after getting away from the toxic environment and the trauma my church suggested I needed to forgive. This was suggested often, and I was councils by church people (about religion and faith not trauma) and I came to an impasse where I realized that forgiveness was not possible. This lead me down a path that ultimately led me to atheism (another story for another time). But I realized why 'forgiveness' was pushed for. Holding onto anger and hate and hurt and pain only revictimizes you. The idea of forgiveness 'just my opinion' was how to get past those hurtful and destructive feelings. I found a way to get past those feelings without forgiveness, and this by no means is a cure all and might not be possible for you, but maybe it might help.

I equated my mother to Jeffry Domer, or a pedophile, or Hitler. These people are not forgiveable. No one would expect forgiveness from these people's victims for them. So I began to think of my mother as this kind of despicable because only a despicable person would hurt their children. This thought helped me get past the pain and hurt and also quiet about of the self blame. You would no sooner blame the Jews for the holacaust so why blame yourself for your trauma.

As an add on I was then able to realize that like these type of people  who were seriously flawed, ultimetly sick, absolutely insane (because they are) so too was my mom. Which allowed me to let go some of the hate which is also toxic.

Good luck in your journey!