So alone

[Deb]

I feel so alone. I can't stand it! I'm estranged from my parents and sister because of family violence and my mother not protecting me but staying with my father. I had a longterm psychologist who I adored and she was the first person I began to trust and then she hurt me emotionally, really badly. I have a big wall up all the time and trust terrifies me. I feel SO alone and have so much fear, grief and anger inside me but I have been so hurt by people that I'm terrified of them and at the same time I need them so much. Its a catch 22. I need help! I'm not working cos of the CPTSD. I worked my * off through my twenties and thirties. Now everything has fallen apart. I'm in financial hardship with no safety net, no one to help me. The world is a really frightening and mean place.

[Three Roses]

I can relate. The world can indeed be frightening. You say you worked your * off thru your twenties and thirties, so I take it your CPTSD symptoms didn't get crippling until after your thirties. Is there some way you can get back to the emotional condition you were in back then?

Please forgive me for being so blunt, but it seems to me you are really stuck and unless you can reach out for more help and accept it, you will remain stuck. If you're too afraid of people, can you read a book, for example anything by Pete Walker?  http://pete-walker.com

Please believe that I care about you.

[Deb]

Three Roses, I've just been incredibly hurt by the one person I was learning to trust and who I reached out to for help. So unfortunately its not as simple as 'reach out for more help and accept it'. Also as is well known with CPTSD, being able to accept help and feel supported by people can be impossible for some people. When I was working so hard in my 20's and 30's I was surviving and very disconnected from my emotions. That is not a place I want to return to. I'm trying to avoid being disconnected to my feelings and returning to work too soon would only add to my issues. Thanks for noticing I am stuck. Indeed I am, but just telling me to reach out and accept help.....is not helpful. I have been reaching out so much over the last 2 years and continue to do so. I reach out on here and accept the support I'm offered. What does help, is compassion, understanding, kindness and encouragement, not judgement.

[Three Roses]

Please forgive my inability to adequately express what I mean. I usually have a rough time with language, being a visual thinker. Hard to translate at times.

I know all about being stuck. I am there currently. A friend finally convinced me to find a new therapist. All the others had hurt or been less than unhelpful. One told me all my problems were because I wasn't agreeable enough. Another one didn't believe me about the severity of abuse I'd been thru. One thought if my husband and I spent time hugging every day in a non sexual manner, that would cure me.

This therapist is about my 9th one. I do have trouble opening up to him but I find that when I do, when I work on looking at things the way he suggests, it is helping.

[Kat]

 What is it that you feel you need right now, right here?  How can we help? 

I've been working with the same therapist for over a decade now.  If she did the same thing to me that you psychologist did to you, I don't know how I would cope.  I would be devastated for sure.  I can't even imagine what it's like for you. 

I have to believe, though, that it will somehow get better for  you.  I can't accept that this would somehow be it and that you'd be left to suffer alone.  Right now you're not ready to try a new therapist which is completely understandable, but could you at least leave a space open in your heart and mind for that possibility at some time in the future? 

The world is a really frightening and mean place, and it is also a beautiful, merciful place.  I understand if you can't believe that right now. 

I truly hope you find some relief from the pain and that the connections you are making here are helpful and ease the loneliness a bit.  I'd love to give you a big hug if you'd like it...

[Deb]

Hi Kat, thanks for your post. I dreamt about her last night. It hurts more than I can feel on my own. Its like my heart is being crushed and I can't breathe. Its too painful. I honestly don't know what to do. I've tried so many other psychologists here and either they reject me or theres something really off about them and they are not safe. I need my psychologist back but she's behaving so badly. I can't force her to talk to me. We became really close, under her guidance and then when I started to disagree with her about things and assert my own ideas she didn't like that at all. She gave me the love I never had from my mum but have desperately craved my whole life. I need HER. It was an unsafe termination of therapy and I am absolutely devastated and I need help! I am alone and I don't know what to do!!!

[Kizzie]

Hi Deb - I am so sorry for what you went through with your T.  I may have already mentioned this in another thread in response to one of your other posts about this, but just in case I didn't there is an organization called "Surviving Therapist Abuse" that you could contact and perhaps find out what if anything can/should be done (e.g., report the T, find help for yourself). Here's the link - http://www.survivingtherapistabuse.com/.

Kizzie

[Deb]

Hi Kizzie,
Thanks for that link, I appreciate it. I don't think you'd mentioned it before. I'll have a look. At the moment, I am not ready to do that, I need more support and stability within myself first before I face what would be a very painful and distressing process.
Deb

[Lingurine]

Hi Deb, so sorry to hear everything is so hard for you at the moment. Even breathing seems to hurt doesn't it? Just take it one moment at a time because you are worth it.

Lingurine