Nightly Visitor

[Kat]

Well, here it is again.  It barged in without knocking and bumped up against all the furniture before sitting down hard on my chest.  It's so * heavy and sitting so high up on my chest it's almost on my throat.  It's so hard to breathe, hard to swallow.

I tried to outwit it and go to bed early before it came looking for me, but my procrastination cost me.  Nine thirty.  Nine thirty and I slipped into bed hoping it would see the lights out, hear the white noise machine and the soothing music playing and leave me alone. 

It's not that easily fooled or deterred.

It started as thoughts flitting in though the open windows and into my mind.  Thoughts of divorce.  Plans.  Questions.  The thoughts, once planted, quickly grew into fears.  The fears sent out tendrils across my face that pulled at muscles, making them tense.
   
I saw what was happening and tried to stop it.  I tried to concentrate on my breath—inhale deeply, hold one two, exhale, repeat.  Ok, maybe I'll be ok.  Relax your muscles.  Inhale deeply, hold one two, exhale, repeat.

It responded by turning up the soothing music and changing the notes so that they scratch my ears.  It threw sand into my eyes to make them ache and shrivel.  It latched a vise to my temples and slowly began to turn the crank.

I can't * breathe.  There's a lump in my throat.  My eyes ache.  My head feels full of cotton that's been soaked in acid.  The lump is turning into nausea.  My whole body aches now.

I'm suffocating.

The worst of this is that I know what will make it go away, but it is what I most hate, most distrust, most abhor, detest, loathe, despise...  Alcohol.

Why can't it just leave me the * alone?  Let me sleep.  Let me relax.  Let me breathe.

Why won't it just go away?  What does it want from me?  What is its purpose? 

I ask. Beg to know.  But it just laughs.

[sanmagic7]

if it helps, i'm sending angel wings to embrace you, cover you, block this monster.  they are full of caring and concern, there to soothe and protect you, wrapping you in the most powerful essence of all - love.  just reach out, they're there for you in case they might help.   i sure hope they do.  your monster can be overcome, of that i have no doubt.  we'll keep heaping love on you.  we're killing this beast with love. 

[Wife#2]

Count me and the Peace Angels I am also sending to you as part of your protective shield.

If you can draw, draw some angels to hang on the walls - when you catch sight of them, they can remind you of the love being sent to you in every moment. If you can't draw (as I can't) maybe find pictures in magazines or posters and hang them up. Anything to remind you that we are with you, cheering for you to survive one more moment, one more minute, one more hour, one more night. Even in the still quiet times.

I agree with San, love will conquer. And you are surrounded by love.

[Kat]

Aw...I love your responses.  I think I will ask my daughter to draw me an angel to tape to my closet door where countless of her other pictures are. 

[Andyman73]

Kat,

Sounds like creature dark and most foul, named "Doubt". Maybe wrong, but sounds like one who haunts me, especially if I think too much about my own pending freedom run and subsequent divorce to follow.  Sending you good vibes of strength and courage.

Andy

[Kat]

Thanks, Andyman.  I hadn't thought of it as doubt, but looking back and re-reading what I wrote, I can totally see it.   Very perceptive.  Thanks for the good vibes.  I need them!

[Andyman73]

Thanks, Andyman.  I hadn't thought of it as doubt, but looking back and re-reading what I wrote, I can totally see it.   Very perceptive.  Thanks for the good vibes.  I need them!

You're quite welcome, Kat! Safe  too, if okay.

Andy

[LearnToLoveTheRide]

Demons and Angels.

It is the demon of addiction and it's using your Doubt as a doorway in to your thoughts and fears.

Ask for an Angel to guard you. They will.

LTLTR

[woodsgnome]

Angels.

What a cool idea, but I've denied them for so many years due to my religious formative years--I saw angels as mean sorts, just like the people--my abusers--who claimed friendship with them and would make sure they joined in attacking me, not helping me.

So, many thanks for the angelic suggestions. My own nightly visitors returned in full force not long ago, and my nights have been fearsome and not restful at all of late.

Now I'm at a point to see where those early angels weren't up to any good, were inventions of those who sought to destroy me with their phony piety and hypocrisy. Now I feel free to open the door and discover my real angels, hovering and seeking to be let out. This time the demons have met their match !

[LearnToLoveTheRide]

 

[Andyman73]

Kat,
I hope the nightly visitors have reduced their visit frequency. You surely deserve a break from them.  AS do we all. I know I sure do.