Nervously New

[AphoticAtramentous]

Greetings, forum goers. New to this place, kinda just hoping to meet some new people since I'm a little lacking in the friends department. >.>

>Trigger warning by the way, I'll try not to be too detailed though.<

I'm probably going to be one of the more younger members here (and a HSP even), which can be rather frustrating sometimes. Countless times I've had people tell me that I'm too young to have experienced trauma, people that I called 'friends' who told me I was an inexperienced child. It hurts to say the least. My parents are I suppose emotionally abusive, yelling and screaming at me for literally spilling milk, telling me I'm not allowed to cry, not allowed to feel, not allowed to explain or justify myself, because simply "I must do what my elders tell me to do without question". That immediately started my 'bottling emotions up' habit which has doomed me ever since. I got into an emotionally abusive relationship, leading to rape, and my parents had me get engaged with him. Honestly I can't even remember how I managed to get out of that situation.

That all left me in a very fragile state and I only had one close friend I could freely talk to, though it was an online friendship kind of thing. I was stupid enough to try and visit him in person, taking an international flight just so I could finally get away from my family for even just a few weeks. Well I ended up getting denied entry. I was stowed away in an empty bland room for who knows how long, not allowed to contact anyone, not even allowed to know the time, then I was interrogated by a man telling me falsely that my only true friend was a lie and that he never cared about me. I was sent back, my most valuable private belongings taken to be used in police investigations, and told I was never allowed to speak to my best friend again. Well, I mean, screw that, lol I still talk to him in secret. He's the only friend keeping me sane these days.

Anyway, it's only recently I've been seeing a therapist behind my parents' backs. The sessions are really helping me to find my way though. I suffer from anxiety, depression, emptiness, nightmares, hallucinations, the whole deal - and from all that's happened, I've basically turned into a very controlling perfectionistic individual. I find it extremely hard to relax and I just dream for the day that I will return to the me I used to be, a bubbly enthusiastic optimistic person.

Moving away from the negative stuff though, I have a multitude of hobbies that I participate in to keep me at ease; drawing, piano playing, programming, modelling, writing, music composing, the list goes on... there are so many things in my head, so much stress and fear, and my hobbies help to keep me distracted from the outside world. I've even essentially made my own little fantasy world that I regularly think about, of its scenery, landscape, all the characters I've created. It's soothing.


So yeah, hope to meet a few new people, hope this wasn't all too long!
Oh and by the way, thank you to the mods and admins that decided to let members be able to edit their posts. For a controlling * like me, it's like ice water on a 45 Celsius day.

[Candid]

Oh and by the way, thank you to the mods and admins that decided to let members be able to edit their posts. For a controlling * like me, it's like ice water on a 45 Celsius day.

A daily blessing to me, too, AphoticAtramentous.  My career was as an editor of newspapers and magazines, which is a Job That Could Drive You Mad. What I've learned here is how NOT to keep cleaning up my own posts. 

You're going to fit right in here.  What took you so long? 

[Three Roses]

Welcome! I love your signature. (nervous laughter)

[AphoticAtramentous]

A daily blessing to me, too, AphoticAtramentous.  My career was as an editor of newspapers and magazines, which is a Job That Could Drive You Mad. What I've learned here is how NOT to keep cleaning up my own posts. 

You're going to fit right in here.  What took you so long? 

Thank you, Candid. ^-^ I'm really hoping I'll fit in.

Welcome! I love your signature. (nervous laughter)

Hehe, I'm glad! It's not inspiring or any sort of helpful advice like a bunch of other members have as their signature, but for me I mean -  it represents a kind of carefree attitude I aspire to, where I'm laughing instead of having a mental breakdown. lol

[Three Roses]

It's brilliant, makes me chuckle every time I see it as I hear it in my head.

[woodsgnome]

Hi AphoticAtrementous 

It's always good to see someone else who reaches down and somehow finds their own voice. I noticed this statement of yours: "I've had people tell me that I'm too young to have experienced trauma". Really? For me, and I'm sure I'm not unique here, I experienced trauma before I had words for it, but my little heart still knew it was yucky and scary.

Regarding your endnote of 'nervous laughter' I loved your explanation of it, where you said: "...it represents a kind of carefree attitude I aspire to, where I'm laughing instead of having a mental breakdown." Yes, yes, and yes; and remember, laughter and tears ride very close in our emotional anatomies; flip sides of the same coin.

Hope you can find the encouragement here that you are lacking elsewhere. And that you'll always be able to access that inner humourist.

[AphoticAtramentous]

It's brilliant, makes me chuckle every time I see it as I hear it in my head.

I'm glad.

Hi AphoticAtrementous 
It's always good to see someone else who reaches down and somehow finds their own voice. I noticed this statement of yours: "I've had people tell me that I'm too young to have experienced trauma". Really? For me, and I'm sure I'm not unique here, I experienced trauma before I had words for it, but my little heart still knew it was yucky and scary.

Regarding your endnote of 'nervous laughter' I loved your explanation of it, where you said: "...it represents a kind of carefree attitude I aspire to, where I'm laughing instead of having a mental breakdown." Yes, yes, and yes; and remember, laughter and tears ride very close in our emotional anatomies; flip sides of the same coin.

Hope you can find the encouragement here that you are lacking elsewhere. And that you'll always be able to access that inner humourist.

Hey Woodsgnome, thank you for the welcome and the kind words.
Unfortunately yes though, I've had a fair amount of people who accused me of overreacting and telling me my 'trauma' is nothing because age totally equates to experience, sure. (rolls eyes)
It feels almost as if this whole CPTSD thing has just about kicked me into adulthood or at least maturity. I've really struggled befriending people my age, just don't really feel I can relate to them. I always end up befriending those older than me, who may share the same or similar experiences and troubles. I remember all the times I was dragged into going to Youth group and literally every time I went I would sit in the same corner and watch everyone thinking; "How the heck do these kids have so much energy and happiness?" lol

I'm glad you like the signature too though. Whilst I will argue laughter being the best medicine, it still does help. Humour is a good distraction, I find.

[BlancaLap]

Hello! Nice to meet you! I hope you find what you came here for!

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hello! Nice to meet you! I hope you find what you came here for!

Thank you, kindly!

[Blueberry]

Hi AphoticAtrementous 
I noticed this statement of yours: "I've had people tell me that I'm too young to have experienced trauma". Really? For me, and I'm sure I'm not unique here, I experienced trauma before I had words for it, but my little heart still knew it was yucky and scary.

No, woodsgnome, you're not unique here! Preverbal trauma here too. My body still goes coldish when I write that. My little body knew something was wrong even back then.

Too young to have experienced trauma?? Whoever told you that, Aphotic, didn't know what they were talking about IMHO.

[Candid]

Preverbal trauma here too.

And here three.  I couldn't talk when Mother rushed in, slapped my bare behind and shouted: "YOU BAD GIRL!"

And then I cried, because I couldn't explain.  Heck, I've been struggling to explain ever since.

woodsgnome.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hi AphoticAtrementous 
I noticed this statement of yours: "I've had people tell me that I'm too young to have experienced trauma". Really? For me, and I'm sure I'm not unique here, I experienced trauma before I had words for it, but my little heart still knew it was yucky and scary.

No, woodsgnome, you're not unique here! Preverbal trauma here too. My body still goes coldish when I write that. My little body knew something was wrong even back then.

And here three.  I couldn't talk when Mother rushed in, slapped my bare behind and shouted: "YOU BAD GIRL!"
And then I cried, because I couldn't explain.  Heck, I've been struggling to explain ever since.

Preverbal trauma, geez, that's harsh. :\ Sorry ya'll experienced that. Thankfully I didn't get abused THAT early, or at least I assume I didn't because I can't remember anything under the age of 6 lol.

Too young to have experienced trauma?? Whoever told you that, Aphotic, didn't know what they were talking about IMHO.

Yeah, there's been a few people who've gotten to me a bit by saying that. Though there are a few that I am able to dismiss completely, like that one 21 year old who claimed I knew nothing and didn't understand the concept of trauma, that I wasn't mature enough like she was - and then literally the next day she had fully consensual unprotected sex with someone she'd just met. Yeah, mature... sure.  >.> At least she admitted later that what she did was an unwise idea. lol

[Candid]

I can't remember anything under the age of 6 lol.

Uh-oh. First day at school?  Doesn't everyone remember that?

She dropped me off with the teacher, who led me to a table where the other kids were doing art.  The teacher moved a sheet of paper along the big table and walked away.  I primed the biggest brush I could find with red paint, and I painted a square divided into four quarters like a window.  Immediately there was a yelp from the boy beside me.  I froze.  I'd done my painting on the far side of his, and his was the most breathtaking work of art I'd ever seen: a house and garden.  Can you imagine the shame?

Unknown to me at the time, the teacher had been making room for another piece of paper, which she'd gone to fetch.  I looked up: Mother had gone,  The sun and the moon had gone.  I ran out of the building.  The lollipop man, who was just packing up, carried me back under his arm. Fifty years later I still know his name, because I asked him to write in my autograph book when I left primary school at the age of 11.  He wrote: George Ogilvie, the lollipop man.  RIP George.

Sorry for the derail.  I've got lots of 'stuff' pouring in these days.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I can't remember anything under the age of 6 lol.

Uh-oh. First day at school?  Doesn't everyone remember that?

She dropped me off with the teacher, who led me to a table where the other kids were doing art.  The teacher moved a sheet of paper along the big table and walked away.  I primed the biggest brush I could find with red paint, and I painted a square divided into four quarters like a window.  Immediately there was a yelp from the boy beside me.  I froze.  I'd done my painting on the far side of his, and his was the most breathtaking work of art I'd ever seen: a house and garden.  Can you imagine the shame?

Unknown to me at the time, the teacher had been making room for another piece of paper, which she'd gone to fetch.  I looked up: Mother had gone,  The sun and the moon had gone.  I ran out of the building.  The lollipop man, who was just packing up, carried me back under his arm. Fifty years later I still know his name, because I asked him to write in my autograph book when I left primary school at the age of 11.  He wrote: George Ogilvie, the lollipop man.  RIP George.

Sorry for the derail.  I've got lots of 'stuff' pouring in these days.

Aww, RIP George. The story is strangely cute though... Painting in school, so nice! I'm sure your red window was beautiful though. I mean it's hard to get a window wrong. Lol

But yeah, my memory is kind of terrible haha. I remember a few small snippets of my years as a 6 year old but 90% of them are bad haha. There was that one time I was being looked after by a bunch of girls from a higher grade, and I went to show them a band-aid on my finger cause me being the child I was thought I was so brave for enduring such a paper cut! Well it was on my middle finger, so there I was flipping them off without realizing what it even meant and they quickly pushed my finger back down whilst laughing. I didn't understand at the time what they were on about, was only a few years later I realized and almost pissed myself laughing. The innocence...

[Alarrah]

Welcome welcome welcome! I'm new too, so I'm glad to see I'm not the only one! I'm sorry for what you are going through, and I'm so glad you found this board.