How Do You Control?

[AphoticAtramentous]

I've been thinking about this a fair amount lately, how much 'control' has become a really big part of my day to day life. Even the most minute tasks require me to have control over them otherwise I feel extremely uncomfortable and unsafe, and it doesn't help that I'm a fairly perfectionistic individual as well.
So my question is, what sort of things do you find yourself controlling? Is it annoying? Does it aggravate other people?

For myself, I find I make a lot of lists, planning schedules and keeping my days as close-to-routine as possible. I freak out when somebody suddenly requires me to do something for them that was unplanned, that I haven't had time to think about and process. This unfortunately really affects my job, as it's shift work there's times I get called in to fill in for someone and the uneasiness and anxiety that I feel is such a headache. Even when I'm playing a video game or something that is meant to be casual, something fun, I play on the easiest difficulty, with cheats enabled and I have the habit of saving my game literally every 5 minutes. I just feel so overly paranoid over everything and controlling things is one of the things that make me feel at ease.
These are all kind of nuisances but I have to say that on the plus side it has made me much more organised. At the start of Grade 11 I vowed to myself that I would work on things as I get them, leave nothing undone, to not procrastinate and 'control' every task to be done. It wasn't even hard honestly, I didn't hand in a SINGLE late assignment during Grade 11 and 12. So that's nice.

Would be interested to hear from you guys what you experience with this specific symptom.

[Three Roses]

I don't usually have this particular symptom and in fact when I try to stay busy can make myself sick.

Pete Walker is a regularly referenced therapist and author, and talks on his website about "the 4Fs" - fight flight freeze and fawn. Here is a brief description of them (from http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm):

Habituated 4F defenses offer protection against further re-abandonment hurts by precluding the type of vulnerable relating that is prone to re-invoke childhood feelings of being attacked, unseen, and unappreciated. Fight types avoid real intimacy by unconsciously alienating others with their angry and controlling demands for the unmet childhood need of unconditional love; flight types stay perpetually busy and industrious to avoid potentially triggering interactions; freeze types hide away in their rooms and reveries; and fawn types avoid emotional investment and potential disappointment by barely showing themselves - by hiding behind their helpful personas, over-listening, over-eliciting or overdoing for the other - by giving service but never risking real self-exposure and the possibility of deeper level rejection. 

These are survival/coping skills that have run amok, living on past the circumstances that caused us to have them. Most of us who've talked about it say they can see themselves in one or more of the types, some even identify with all four. The combinations are as individual as each of us.

We seem to be thrust into these roles by our Emotional Flashbacks, which are best combated by the practice of mindfulness. Here is a link to more info about flashback management - http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

That's a lot of info so I'll stop there. Hope it's helpful.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Pete Walker is a regularly referenced therapist and author, and talks on his website about "the 4Fs" - fight flight freeze and fawn. Here is a brief description of them (from http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm):

Habituated 4F defenses offer protection against further re-abandonment hurts by precluding the type of vulnerable relating that is prone to re-invoke childhood feelings of being attacked, unseen, and unappreciated. Fight types avoid real intimacy by unconsciously alienating others with their angry and controlling demands for the unmet childhood need of unconditional love; flight types stay perpetually busy and industrious to avoid potentially triggering interactions; freeze types hide away in their rooms and reveries; and fawn types avoid emotional investment and potential disappointment by barely showing themselves - by hiding behind their helpful personas, over-listening, over-eliciting or overdoing for the other - by giving service but never risking real self-exposure and the possibility of deeper level rejection.

These are survival/coping skills that have run amok, living on past the circumstances that caused us to have them. Most of us who've talked about it say they can see themselves in one or more of the types, some even identify with all four. The combinations are as individual as each of us.

We seem to be thrust into these roles by our Emotional Flashbacks, which are best combated by the practice of mindfulness. Here is a link to more info about flashback management - http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

That's a lot of info so I'll stop there. Hope it's helpful.

Wow... thank you so much for sharing this, Three Roses. I honestly started crying whilst reading the stuff on that first link - in a good way! Just gave me an overwhelming feeling of actually being understood, that I'm not actually going crazy. I think I definitely fit into the Flight and Freeze types. I was suffering hard when I was unemployed, every day was a battle in trying to figure out how to keep myself distracted. Every time I feel my mood slipping, my thoughts going places it shouldn't, I have to find something to keep me busy - anything at all, gaming, drawing, watching TV, just SOMETHING.
Thanks again, I think I need to sit down and process all this. lol This has definitely helped.

[Eyessoblue]

I have to be in control all the time as when I was a child there was no control over anything ever and as a child I found myself taking control and trying to sort out every impossible situation, this has followed me into adult life and I struggle when things don't go as I expect them to, I find it hard if I take public transport this is a big area that I'm not in control of and if a train or plane is late etc I literally freak out as I know if I was in charge there wouldn't be a problem, it can be annoying and drives my family mad but unfortunately it is the way I've always been.

[AphoticAtramentous]

I have to be in control all the time as when I was a child there was no control over anything ever and as a child I found myself taking control and trying to sort out every impossible situation, this has followed me into adult life and I struggle when things don't go as I expect them to, I find it hard if I take public transport this is a big area that I'm not in control of and if a train or plane is late etc I literally freak out as I know if I was in charge there wouldn't be a problem, it can be annoying and drives my family mad but unfortunately it is the way I've always been.

Thanks for the response, Eyessoblue, I can really relate to all this.

An unrelated note I thought I'd add; I'd presume that those of us who desire control might also struggle with group activities, whether that be in school, work, or just hobbies. I mean I know for certain that's how I am. Even if it's for work I don't enjoy doing, I'll still take over in doing it because I'm afraid others will do it not so up to my own standard. It can be frustrating for others, definitely.

[Eyessoblue]

Yes definitely I hadn't thought about that before but group activities are hard when I'm not in charge of it, I have an eating disorder too and again it's about the control of what I can and can't put in my mouth.

[woodsgnome]

Control is very sneaky in that we often don't even realize we're doing it. It becomes habitual and we tend to disguise it as just a personality quirk, when in fact it's our desperate attempt to still the waters as we fight to get through the uneasy parts of living with cptsd.

One of my own control habits could easily be taken as just a part of my personality. I'm pretty good at deftly using my creative sense of humour as a shield against hurt. I'm also quick with a ready wit or story to deflect with humour my true feelings of fear and doubt around people.

This contributes to my being taken lightly, I sometimes think. Which in some ways is alright by me as it pushes people back from knowing me that well (as I'm scared of them). The flip of this is that I know I've distanced myself from needed social contacts this way, too; and made life even lonelier.

Regardless, humour has been and is a trait I've often used to control a situation. Equally important is to realize there's nothing wrong with this, or me (only my inner critic would beg to differ). Being more aware that I do this can help me balance it out, though; in that I don't always need the protection. After all, this sort of behaviour started as a reaction to abuses when as a kid I found humour (inner to avoid the ire of abusers) could help ease the pain of the world around me; alas, this was usually only in the aftermath, when the trauma began to subside a little.

Alas, there were times when no amount of humour would come and/or suffice to relieve anything, especially following the mother's molestations--I found nothing but utter, total horror in what she did and what she was like. There was just no way to regard any part of her as having any humour whatsoever; even just writing this tenses me up.

As a freeze sort, my preferred form of control is to get out of the way. But when I can't do that, humour can save the day and not even be noticed, by others (or myself). I actually made a semi-career out of this, using humour as a focal point for many years when I was an improv actor needing a sharp and ready wit.

Tempting as it would be to say that it's just a part of my personality (it is, and is important), I realize more and more how I developed that trait in self-defense and used it to hide from hurt and deflect the possibility of more. It is a control for sure, and one I once sorely needed. It's stuck around, but I know too it's easy to use it in shielding me from people so I can feel safe in my bubble.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Yes definitely I hadn't thought about that before but group activities are hard when I'm not in charge of it, I have an eating disorder too and again it's about the control of what I can and can't put in my mouth.

That's interesting to hear, thank you for your reply. ^^

Control is very sneaky in that we often don't even realize we're doing it. It becomes habitual and we tend to disguise it as just a personality quirk, when in fact it's our desperate attempt to still the waters as we fight to get through the uneasy parts of living with cptsd.

I'm having this issue, where I honestly don't know if my controlling is just my personality or the c-ptsd talking. I wish there was some easy way to tell. I just assume it's the c-ptsd because I don't think it's normal to have a checklist for something as mundane as getting ready for work each day. lol

In regards to humour though, have to say I do the same things myself. Humour is certainly a good way of keeping the air light, though the downside is that people see you cracking jokes and usually take it as you being fine. So when you later tell them you're suffering from depressive thoughts they have a hard time believing you.
It can indeed be an effective way of controlling a conversation though. In fact thinking about it now, I think it's easier for me to joke and laugh than be serious and have an actual intelligent conversation. Perhaps it's because the chatter of day to day life is something that hits too close to home, brings up too many memories. Someone would ask how my family is and I wouldn't be able to respond to such a simple question because I just don't feel comfortable. But with humour, everything is so outlandish and exaggerated, it's hard to make any connections with reality when you're talking about some weird $%^# that never happens. lol
Thanks for the response.

[fullofsoundandfury]

I've just been reading about this! You're describing the flight response perfectly Do consider purchasing Pete's book, it is such tremendous help.

I used to be quite controlling of others without realizing it (I was 'helping' - my slave role as a child) but other than that, I've relinquished control to an incredibly unhealthy degree. I am a quite dissociative type and my freeze response is on the continuum of total collapse/giving up/powerlessness. I would like to be a bit more 'controlling' like you! My response was based on the conclusion that nothing I could possibly do would have any impact on my world whatsoever and escalated into profound sense of helplessness.

Anyway, there is plenty you can do about this, and it's normal and common and understandable

[AphoticAtramentous]

I've just been reading about this! You're describing the flight response perfectly Do consider purchasing Pete's book, it is such tremendous help.

I used to be quite controlling of others without realizing it (I was 'helping' - my slave role as a child) but other than that, I've relinquished control to an incredibly unhealthy degree. I am a quite dissociative type and my freeze response is on the continuum of total collapse/giving up/powerlessness. I would like to be a bit more 'controlling' like you! My response was based on the conclusion that nothing I could possibly do would have any impact on my world whatsoever and escalated into profound sense of helplessness.

Anyway, there is plenty you can do about this, and it's normal and common and understandable

Thanks, mate. Sorry to hear about all that though.
If it's any consolation, I believe you can impact the world. I mean you've probably been through your own little *, and even just being here, you're helping others and making a difference! I appreciate you being here.