New to the forum and new to seeking help! (possible TW)

[aGirlHasNoName]

Hi everyone! I discovered this site today and after a lot of browsing, decided to join.

I am a 26 year old female. For most of my life, I have had bits and pieces of memories of physical abuse and emotional manipulation by a boyfriend that my mother had when I was a kid- around age 4 or 5.In high school, around the time when I started becoming sexually active, I started to get some glimpses of other memories. It wasn't necessarily a visual memory, but an emotional sensation of unease and fear, and I suspected that I had been sexually abused as well. I pushed the memories aside and tried to distance myself from them (to the point that, on at least two occasions in my early 20's, I verbally denied having any history of abuse and didn't feel like I was lying).

When I was 19, I told my then-fiance (now husband) about what I remembered in very vague terms. I had a panic attack. He was very supportive and loving, but we never talked about it again for years. I also told one friend a few years later, also in very vague terms. That friend told me (in a very helpful way) that he thought I could benefit from talking to a professional, but only once I was ready to face it.

Fast-forward to now. I have been working in a community outreach position that requires me to go to the local Veterans Affairs hospital frequently. I am often the only woman in the atrium area where I set up an information table. The sexual harassment I have experienced has been unbelievable and relentless, and perpetrated by new people every week. Despite the fact that I knew there were some steps I could take to report it, I felt helpless. I began having frequent panic attacks and couldn't understand why.

About 4 months ago, I finally called the counseling center at my university (I'm also a graduate student). I met about 8 times with a really great counselor and over the course of those weeks, and I began to remember many more details about the sexual abuse. I remember quite a bit now, but I have no way of knowing if it's everything. I also remembered that in addition to my mother's boyfriend, I also experienced sexual abuse at a daycare I attended.

School counseling services don't have long-term therapy available. I was referred to a community organization that has a grant for victims of trauma so I wouldn't have to pay anything, but it took me three weeks to get in contact with them before I could schedule an intake. Once I finally did the intake, I heard nothing for another 2 weeks before calling again. I had my first appointment today. My therapist was 15 minutes late and I was truly not a fan of her- I found her condescending and overly focused on trying to explain the actions of some of the men in my life who aren't even of concern to me. She also asked me to talk about the abuse about 10 minutes into our appointment (I didn't), and she cut me off mid-sentence at the end of the appointment. I'm not sure whether I'll go back to her, but I have some options that my insurance provider will cover most of. I am hoping to call someone else this week. I'd rather pay for good services than get bad ones for free.

I have a very supportive husband and an incredibly helpful best friend who have both been helping me work through some of the feelings, but I have a pretty massive panic attack any time I try to talk about any specific details of the abuse. I have been doing a lot of reflecting on my own and trying to understand how a lot of my coping mechanisms are related and how they impact me, but I just want to find a professional I can talk to to help me figure out what to DO about it!

Issues I'm dealing with:
-insomnia
-emotional flashbacks
-anxiety
-panic attacks

On the bright side: Thursday is my last day at work. I finally decided to do something good for my mental health. I will be taking the next 9 months off while I finish my master's degree, and hopefully this will give me time to process a lot of what happened to me and work on recovering from it in a more healthy way.

Sorry this is long! Anyway, I have found a lot of comfort in reading all of your stories and experiences, and I hope that this can be a part of my healing process, too.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hello there, aGirlHasNoName (what a name! lol), pleasure to meet you. ^-^
I'm sorry to hear what you've gone through. Good luck in finding another therapist, don't be discouraged - there are plenty good ones out there.
Hope you can find some more support, here, or elsewhere. And I wish you well with your degree!

[Three Roses]

Hi! Welcome 

Around here, we reference therapist and author Pete Walker a lot. He has a website which has some very helpful info on managing EFs - http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

I would write more but I'm trying to get to bed...I'm so glad you're here, thanks for joining!

[Eyessoblue]

Hi welcome, it sounds like you've done really well in life considering your past, good for you, this site is really friendly and helpful, feel free to talk about anything that is worrying you.

[Blueberry]

Hello GirlHasNoName and welcome on here 

You sound really strong and as if you have a good idea about trauma already. Good for you.

I have a very supportive husband and an incredibly helpful best friend who have both been helping me work through some of the feelings, but I have a pretty massive panic attack any time I try to talk about any specific details of the abuse.

Just wanted to say that if talking about specific details makes you panic, it could be that it is too early for you to go through the details. Talking about what traumatised us when we're not in a secure place emotionally can retraumatise, or just slow healing down. 

Good luck to you.

[BlancaLap]

I'm so sorry.
You are strong! You can beat this!