Atramentous to Vibrant

[Little2Nothing]

I've been there too, Aphotic. Sometimes my mind races and I become confused and overwhelmed. 

Finding triggers is difficult for me. Half the time I cannot pinpoint what I am feeling. 

[natureluvr]

I had to look directly into his eyes, if I looked away he would slap me. Every time I looked into his eyes though, it hurt me so bad. I was looking at someone who I thought was supposed to care for me, but I just felt so unwanted, so un-cared for.

My narc mom did the same thing to me.  While she was abusing me, I had to look into her eyes.  Pure evil. From what you described in your first post, your father sounds like he was very abusive.

 

since you're so fragile from your parents' abuse, you seek comfort from someone else - to which they end up being abusive as well.

Been there, done that, got that t-shirt. 

Well I told him and he got so angry, he cursed me, told me how much of an idiot I was and I got so many raw feelings bursting out. I probably shouldn't have done what I did but for once I 'fought back'.

He sounds like he as abusive as well.  You have a right to break up with someone, and tell them that.  He didn't have the right to call you an idiot and curse you. 

[natureluvr]

• Moved out of my FOO's house
• Volunteered at a cat shelter for some time
• Adopted two cats
• Revisited London to replace some old bad memories
• Finished a traineeship
• Visited Hong Kong (beautiful city)
• Resolved my iron deficiency that I had since I was a child
• Got an IT job working in state government
• Bought a house
• Got a promotion (I'm a senior IT officer now, fancy!)
• Became the owner of a large online support community

This is truly amazing!  You have so many wonderful accomplishment!    I'm glad you are taking pride in your progress. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Thank you all, your commentaries are very much appreciated.

It's still really hard to think these days. The moment I allow my thoughts to run on their own it's just a chaotic mess. Perhaps I should try to draw a bit. Get my feelings out that way instead of trying to use words because clearly words aren't working out for me. Even just using these little animated faces feels easier to express myself with:

     

Regards,
Aphotic.

[StartingHealing]

Aphotic,

Here is something that has helped me.  Have you tried mask work?  That's where you use whatever for a form and then do the papier-mâché and create a mask that represents whatever you want it to.  Add nails, screws,  or whatever feels right. Paint, markers, or whatever to  add color.  Then after it's all done, you can drown it, smash it, burn it, boil it, bury it, or D all the above. 

The reasoning is that you are having a ritual ( which in modernity is a lost but needful action) that sends a clear message to all parts of the brain that a particular situation is over.  I have seen vids with active military / retired military, all diagnosed with CPTSD / PTSD doing mask work and they report that it's very helpful. 

I know that when I did mask work for the person that was in the role of mother in the family I grew up in, it helped my spinning, planning for 'what if' scenarios, thoughts a great deal. They slowed down a lot.   What I did was smash the crap out of it { a 5 pound sledge hammer } and then burned it, after letting the fire burn out naturally as I was watching the entire time, then buried the ashes. After that, let's say that I used my own water on that area.   

I also did something similar with the former spouse.  Held a funeral pyre with pictures, papers, other items that had a connotation, etc.  Those ashes though I bagged and placed in the garbage bin.  this helped with closure.  nah, no possible way to get that from her as there is a personality disorder / mental disorder there.

Wishing you all the best

[Chart]

I'm saving just such symbolic items from my past relationships for just such a process. Haven't done the rituals yet, but will know when the time is right...

[Hope67]

Hi Aphotic,
I think you've achieved so many great things - your list is amazing.  Well done on all of those things.            That was purposely 4 hugs for the animated faces, as I think each part of you deserves one, if it feels ok.  (Hope that makes sense).

Hope 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hey StartingHealing, that is an interesting idea but I admit I have not tried it yet. I will definitely save it in my list of tools though, thank you for sharing this.
When the time is right, I hope the process will be satisfying for you, Chart!

Thank you Hope, that is really kind of you to say.

---

Some good news, I start therapy with a new therapist in the coming weeks. I specifically looked for someone who is trained in dealing with complex trauma, and knows a thing or two about the Internal Family Systems and Schema Therapy. I have no idea where or how I'm going to start. "Hey T, thanks for agreeing to see me, I hope you're prepared, cause I'm ***** in the head. "

I recently realised that a lot of the things I've been feeling lately is called an outer critic, and that my outer critic (as well as my inner critic) are a bunch of covert narcissists. It's not... really the kind of thinking I want in my head but oh well, they're there I guess. It's really weird though because I'm very self aware of the outer critic's thoughts, so self-aware that I know they're not my thoughts. (This is in comparison to the inner critic that I have a much harder time differentiating my thoughts vs theirs.) But the self awareness means I know to behave properly, and not say or do mean things, but then it's like... I end up with some grumpy goblin in my head who cries out "But, I WANT to cause pain, misery, and destruction!"
"Yes, I know, but you can't. So sit back down."
I thankfully do have a significant amount of self control I should reassure, I have seldom hurt anyone and when I did it was ages ago when I was an unstable teenager. But it's really weird having these thoughts, and at the same time thinking "That is entirely unreasonable and inappropriate." I totally understand now why demonic possession was 'diagnosed' so much in the past, because if I didn't know about how brains and trauma worked, I would have definitely thought I was possessed.

I found though that rather than waiting for the outer critic's agonising desires to subside naturally, I can get rid of the feelings immediately by writing. I have been doing so a lot recently to let the outer critic fill its need to dominate and wreak havoc in a safe and private space. Honestly, I write some pretty much messed up ***. But I feel really relieved after doing it, and it immediately takes away that desire to hurt, so I think it's fine, maybe, hopefully.

Here's some related creative writing, the 'child' referring to my non-existent (or VERY hidden) inner child.

I am Aphotic, exotic, exiled.
An atramentous being defiled.
Protective monster, of fragments compiled.
Thou forever fear me, for I ate a child.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Desert Flower]

Hey Aphotic, I think it's brave and very well done that you're starting with a new T. I hope this one will be more trauma informed indeed.

And while I think your opening line for your new therapist is funny too, and it might have been a good survival tactic for a long time, I just wanted to let you know I also find it a bit hurtful to yourself and you really don't deserve that. You are not f***d up, you used every tactic in the book to merely survive and you did! You're here and you came a really long way already. The way you're exploring these parts, this immense inner critic that you have, is so great. I really must say. Changing your T because you know what's best for you. And the way you're dealing with these very nasty feelings by writing is very strong and transformative too. All of this surely means you're getting better. So maybe you could hold on to that instead of putting yourself down? Maybe you didn't feel it this way, but I just wanted to let you know I did and I care. And I like your creative writing too. Take care Aphotic! 

[StartingHealing]

Aphotic,

You are welcome.  I need to do some more mask work as well. I'm going to start gathering the components, already got flour for the paper-mâché, crayons, markers, colored pencils, need to get some newspaper and screws and such. I think I will obtain used utility knife blades from work.. that would be a good addition for the tongue... already starting to plan it out. 

Words whether small mouth sounds or written are symbols that reference things.  the word isn't the thing tho.  It's like it's a map.  The map can be a good representation of the terrain but is it the terrain?  There can be multiple meanings for a word, it gets really odd sometimes.  Also since we listen to ourselves, yeah, it's a neural feedback loop.  Hardwired in.  Might as well take advantage of it.   

Few things that I do that helps me with staying on my square are that I find at least 5 things that I can verbally say "Thank you" for. Morning and evening. I also look for things I can say thank you during the day as well. Like the nice person yesterday that let me into traffic.  It helps provide a counter narrative to the doom+gloom pap.  I don't do social media in the mornings and I'm exceptionally picky in what is allowed on the feeds, what accounts I follow, etc. I walk my doggo or rather he walks me? daily.  I use discernment in what music I listen to, podcasts, etc.  Including what I watch video wise.  Humans are wired to hook into negative stuff because that was a survival trait before we got to the top of the food chain.  You see this + you hear that + you smell this? = run! 

I also watch what I tell myself about myself. (the feedback thing)  learning how to treat myself like a best friend has been helpful.

Wishing you all the best.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Thank you Desert Flower, your response and commendations are appreciated.

Thanks StartingHealing, I hope your mask work goes well! I will take your little counter narrative techniques into consideration. You hit the nail on the head for me, that I often feel wired to hook into negative stuff. It just feels like all I know, and anything positive is too alien or unfitting for me.

--------

TW: Emotional abuse
I have a fear of teeth and dentists. Can anyone guess why? If you answered "family related trauma", then ding ding, you're correct. When I think of the dentist I hear the voices of my FOO "You're ugly, stupid, can't do anything right, you're costing us money, this is all your fault."
They said all this to try and make me brush my teeth more but it only dissuaded me from doing so. Funny that.

I haven't been to a dentist in... Well. Hah, I thought it was back when I was in Western Australia, but my partner tells me I had been to a dentist earlier than that and interestingly I literally cannot remember that experience, even when my partner told me about it. Thanks amnesia.

But I keep having these teeth related nightmares and anxieties and I thought my tooth was falling apart last week. Ended up having a panic attack in my workplace's bathroom. But I thought that was enough BS, and that I was going to get my teeth looked at so I wouldn't have to keep worrying about it. So I booked a dentist appointment...

When I got there I informed my dentist that I was extremely nervous, and he was surprisingly supportive. It wasn't anything like my previous experiences. He was gentle and patient, answered my questions, gave me a lot of advice. But he didn't say "Your teeth are awful. This is disgusting. You are so careless." No, instead he said "You can do X and Y to help with this, and do Z to prevent this."

It was still terrifying, I must have channeled my inner jack hammer because my legs shook the entire time. But I did it. The dentist even discounted the cost of my session and I have another session upcoming for additional repair work.

I should be proud but I'm more tired than anything. Maybe hopefully I'll feel a little bit better about it once the stress of having had a drill in my mouth wears off.
End TW

Unrelatedly: It's a week and a half till my new therapist appointment. I have an idea of maybe writing an autobiography, not to publish, just something for myself and my therapists. But not sure how good of an idea that is. I don't want to accidentally trigger myself into oblivion.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[rainydiary]

I resonate with dentist issues given family dynamics.

[Desert Flower]

Hi Aphotic, I'm glad the dentist took such good care with you. And I'm very proud of you that you went whilst being so afraid. That's brave! 

And I can relate too, I'm also scared of the dentist. And with me, it's also family related, but maybe in a different way. I think my m was actually scared of the dentist too, but she never said it. (She's afraid of many, many things, so probably of the dentist too.) And I think I must have felt her fear as a child. And there used to be this terrible story she would tell us of how my dad as a kid was too afraid to go to and his mother (my grandmother) never forced him. So when he and my m got married, he had nothing but rotten teeth and my m made him pull all the teeth and wear false teeth, at twenty-something! And my brother also became very afraid. And we didn't have such a nice dentist either in those days. I had also not gone to the dentist for some years but I did force myself to go at some point. And I've gotten a little less afraid over the years. And now with the kids we go regularly. But I will definitely never be care free there.

[Desert Flower]

I have an idea of maybe writing an autobiography, not to publish, just something for myself and my therapists. But not sure how good of an idea that is. I don't want to accidentally trigger myself into oblivion.

Yes, that happened to me a little bit. So take it easy, and take a break whenever you feel it's getting too much. 

[StartingHealing]

 Aphotic,

I think writing your story is a capital idea.  That way you can change the narrative around to a pov that truly represents you as you are now.  Then after some distance on your healing path, you can come back and edit it to reflect the you that you are at that moment in time.  Then some more distance on your healing path and repeat as feels necessary.

Wishing you all the best