Atramentous to Vibrant

[AphoticAtramentous]

Thanks Rainy, sorry you also have similar issues. I hope they are better now, or will get better for you in the future.

Thanks Desert Flower, I'm glad your fear has subsided a tad. But I understand the persistent underlying fear that remains. And thank you for providing your experience on autobiography writing, I will definitely take it easy then.

Thanks StartingHealing, I'm glad you think the writing idea is sound.

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I don't have anything to journal today. Things are hard. I just want to write stories, stay out of my own head.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Desert Flower]

 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Need to get back into this space again. Need to reorient myself in general because I'm feeling a little aimless.
Some things that have happened:

I was recently formally diagnosed with DID which I think will be helpful when explaining things to the various medical professionals I'm seeing. As expected, how I feel about it depends on the moment. Though one consistent feeling I have is that I am relieved that my problems are being recognised. At this stage I thankfully don't need the official diagnosis for any kind of work/income support, but if I do need it, it's there at least.

TW: Relative Death + Emotional Abuse
A week ago my grandfather passed away. With how the intergenerational trauma goes, it doesn't surprise me that I don't feel upset at all, and I'd rather not receive any sympathy for this 'loss' - I don't need it. My M however is in a state because of it though, and she decided to take out her frustrations on my younger sister. Weirdly, I would have preferred M berate me instead. My younger sister hasn't had the therapy journey that I have and I just feel I would have been better equipped to handle M. My sister is being very reclusive now and I'm not sure how to comfort her when she isn't responding to my messages. I suppose there is nothing I can do until she is ready to talk.
TW END

Things to do/must not forget:

• Pay the cat boarding place.
• Keep journaling.
• Talk to my GP about going back on anti-depressants. I'll have to ask my GP what SSRI I was on for the longest, cause I can't remember. But logically speaking, if I was on it for so long, then it must have been working, right?
• Send a list of known alters to my psychologist.

I will try to make some time to browse through the forum again, maybe when I'm not riddled with whatever sickness I managed to catch at the aiport.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Desert Flower]

Hey Aphhotic, sounds strange maybe to be saying here, but I'm glad you're back. I think it may be helpful you came back to journal.

And those are some big things happening in your life. No wonder you would be riddled. I can imagine though that a diagnosis may feel as recognition, validation somehow of how you're feeling and that could be good. And at the same time, dealing with a label can be challenging too.

Please only do some reading here if it feels good for you.

I think you're right about your sister, she needs to be ready to talk but it must have been hard watching that.
I'm also making a list of my 'parts'. I don't know if they're alters but making the list feels helpful to me.

Sorry if my response is a bit jumbled.
Take lots and lots of care. 

[Chart]

Hey Aphotic, my experience is that "time away" is very helpful/necessary for "processing". I love that this forum is "always here" but I owe it nothing. Kinda like what a good parent does

I hear you about your gf. I'll be the same when my mom passes I expect.

Perhaps your mum targeted your sister cause she senses it wouldn't have gone over the same if she had targeted you. Subconsciously she senses the changes in you? Just speculation.

And for your sister, she might be obeying the law of polarity. Perhaps she too prefers the heat from your mom as apposed to watching you get it. I've heard that watching someone being tortured is apparently worse than being tortured yourself. I've see that multiple times. Perhaps you and your sister are doing a fluctuating "dance". Again, just some ideas. Ignore if it doesn't apply.

Me too I'm happy to "see" you again
 

[rainydiary]

I hope that identifying a way to explain your experiences is helpful.  I resonate with the fluctuations associated with identification/diagnosis.

[sanmagic7]

that's quite a list, aphotic.  along w/ everything else, it seems like there is plenty for you to be going on with. i've heard of that protective stance many times here, that someone wished they could be the brunt of an attack rather than someone they cared for, usually cuz they believed they were better equipped to deal w/ it. it's much more difficult, to my mind, to see it happen to someone else. i hope she does talk to you about it.

in the meantime, i also hope you continue taking care of you as best you can.  you deserve that.  sending love and hugs  if that's ok.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hey Desert Flower, One thing I am finding is that the label makes it easier to talk about with my partner. Rather than calling it all "my tendency to dissociate into other identities", can just call it "my DID", very simple and easy. Thanks for the kind words.

Hey Chart, I think you're right about my M specifically targeting my sister, because M knows she'll get the reaction she's hoping for. I believe I am far more low-contact with my parents than my sister is so that probably adds something too. Thanks for your insights.

Thank you rainy, your words are very much appreciated.

Thank you san, for the comforts and recognition.

---

TW Abuse relating to food:
I had a small epiphany last night. I was eating dinner, got distracted, then naturally the food got cold. And without realising that it had gotten cold, I go to take a bite and suddenly I feel sick to my stomach, a feeling I'd experience often with these things. It is something I noticed a while ago, my brain demanding that hot food is meant to be hot, and cold food is meant to be cold. A hot tea is lovely, then becomes disgusting when cold, despite me liking iced tea. I know logically it's just food gone cold, it's not like it's much different to how it was 5 minutes ago. But my body still reacts negatively. Well I finally had a visual flashback associated with that discomfort, which has given me some insight.

I'd always had issues with food but it was exacerbated tenfold by my parents. Any food that I disliked would have me feeling physically sick, yet my parents insisted I be grateful and just eat whatever I was given. A lot of nights though my parents wouldn't take no for an answer though and demand I eat what I was given. It became a consistent ritual, to sit down at the dinner table, watch everyone eat the food no problem because they liked it, then everyone would leave the dinner table except me and my father, and my father would stay and watch me eat until I'd forced it all down, even if it took a literal hour. Or... I'd be sent to my room to starve because I wasn't grateful enough. (geez it's no wonder I was so underweight)
End TW

Don't get me wrong, now knowing the source of my discomfort doesn't immediately make me comfortable with food again. But it is at least "good" to know, albeit the memories still pain me.

It's been a rough few days. I think I'm going to order some McDonald's. I realise it's unhealthy but I think it's oddly a comfort. Because for a very small period of two months, my mother and father were temporarily separated, and she didn't have the energy to cook much. So we'd get McDonald's a few days a week. And now I think McDonalds just reminds me of a time where I had one less abuser in my childhood, and when I could actually eat food I liked. Comfort food, warm food... brings a whole new definition to Happy Meal huh.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Desert Flower]

That's another nasty experience to have gone through - again and again. I'm sorry you had to. I have seen this happen to my brother too and that's hard. And it makes total sense you now react this way to food gone cold.
I know it doesn't make us feel better immediately, I wish it would too, but it is a big step to understand what's going on. And then maybe we can start feeling a little compassion for that little kid and for you now. You did nothing wrong not eating your food that way.
And I understand eating unhealthy snacks for comfort. It's comfort anyhow. Especially with the memory you have of less abuse.
 

[sanmagic7]

happy meal, indeed, aphotic.  sounds about right to me.

i also experienced some of what you spoke about re: feeling sick if forced to eat something i didn't like.  and i also have had food/eating issues all my life.  it's the pits, for sure.  i'm glad you had a realization, tho.  it's one more step to solving the issue.  well done     love and hugs

[AphoticAtramentous]

Thanks Desert Flower and san. Your sympathy is appreciated.

---

The responses from my other journal reminded me of one thing I did get out of my coach session (though it was actually a complete tangent from a different point she was trying to make lol) - I was reminded that I'm a person who lives completely alone with no relatives or friends in my town to support me. But we humans live in a society that centres itself around families and couples. The expectation is that we live with others, so the work at home can be divided evenly, so that we can get an income from multiple sources. But I don't have any of that.

I am my only source of income. I do all the cleaning, cooking, cat caring, finance management, and house maintenance. And on top of all that, I have to do it all with CPTSD and DID in my brain and body. So, I guess any opportunity to look after my mental health is something worth doing, because damn the time opportunities are rare huh. I realise that - I'll be ready for my coach's advice when I'm ready for it. Because, to quote a famous pirate, this is how I feel a lot of the time:



---

In other news, my GP has given me a prescription for antidepressants so yay. I'm going to go back on Fluoxetine which I previously took for 3 years, so hopefully they'll help the same as they did last time.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[sanmagic7]

hey, aphotic, good luck w/ the antidepressants.  i hope they provide some relief for you.  very true that this society centers around family, etc. and not having that support or that connection can be extremely wearing.  i think how much emphasis is placed on the 'family' aspect around the holidays.  it can be difficult to navigate and feel ok at the same time, too.

i hope you get some of what you need, which is a little rest/break from everything.  love and hugs

[AphoticAtramentous]

Thank you, san. Your kind words are very much appreciated.

---

I was able to talk to my sister finally, after M berated her a few weeks ago. My sister is feeling better now which is good. I took the opportunity to talk to her about CPTSD. She has been formally diagnosed with PTSD but I expressed my own observations: I am aware I'm not a doctor, and I told her that, but I did recommend she go to therapy and consider CPTSD as something to discuss with a therapist. I told her how I think she has a heavy fawn response, educated her on emotional flashbacks, and explained why she may struggle with people-pleasing despite having separated from her abusive partners years ago. This all seemed to resonate with her deeply and apparently it even caused an epiphany for her (maybe I would have been a good psychologist after all hah, suck it M - who told me I wouldn't be good at it). But my sister said she was open to me providing her further resources on CPTSD, and I will still try to gently encourage her to go to therapy.

Going back to the basics of CPTSD though has even given me some of my own enlightenment. It was a good reminder of my own trauma responses, that being flight and freeze. Made me re-realise just how much of my life is affected by these habitual responses. My therapist is also encouraging me to be more aware of my ventral/sympathetic/dorsal state where possible, and I have been trying my best.

Today I was in the supermarket and heard a crying child calling out for their M. I stopped and listened closer, as I always do when I'm listening out for anything potentially dangerous or threatening. At the same time though my head went blank and I forgot what I was doing, I didn't know what I was shopping for, didn't know what I needed. But I was able to recognise that I was in a freeze response and at least reassure that I could take my time. And I did. One of the shop workers there apologised for being in the way between me and the shelf but I truthfully reassured "It's okay, I don't know what I'm looking for anyway."
And he chuckled and responded "That's okay, just browsing huh?"
Sure, browsing, that works. I stared at that shelf for like... five minutes... lol but eventually I coaxed my thoughts back and I remembered what I needed to get.

I think being more aware of these responses again helps me to forgive myself more easily for having said responses in the first place. Like, I don't feel like shaming myself for not being able to think for a few minutes. 

Regards,
Aphotic.

[sanmagic7]

I think being more aware of these responses again helps me to forgive myself more easily for having said responses in the first place. Like, I don't feel like shaming myself for not being able to think for a few minutes.

this, indeed, deserves a cheer, aphotic, so here's another one - 

i don't know if i've mindfully looked into these responses for myself, but it does sound helpful.  thanks for this.

i'm glad you gave your S some thoughts on c-ptsd, expanding on the ptsd awareness.  i did the same w/ my D, and she's been able to accept and get more specific help for it thru therapy.  i think what you said falls under the category of great advocacy.  well done!    people, a lot of times, aren't going to know until they hear about it from someone else who does know.  keep going - you're doing really well.  love and hugs